On Going Back to Church

I've been advised by numerous people--it seems to be unanimous, in fact, among my advisors--to just start going to whatever services and activities I want to go to, and not worry about how anyone feels about it. (I did actually go to the main service last week, but not really intentionally: I just overslept but felt like I still really needed to go to mass.) I admit that part of me has been feeling so inclined: that I should just do what I need to do and let her deal with it. But I think that's the selfish part of me; the hurt, resentful, prideful part--the old man. I know it's what the old me would do (either that or just walk away entirely), and that's a pretty big clue in itself that it's probably not the right thing. I also think that it's looking at the situation from the worldly view--the way things are normally done according to social convention and self-interest, and not from the perspective of God's ways.

I think...I can't be certain, of course, but I think that what this is all about is that she wanted very much to protect herself, emotionally, and felt like I was blundering about, trespassing on her sacred mysteries. And I do tend to be rather clumsy about that sort of thing. I try to be gentle. I try to be considerate, and generous, and self-sacrificing, and kind, but I always end up like Lenny with the little mouse. A girl wants--or needs--to be reticent, and cautious, and delicate, and to take things slowly, whether with romance or friendship or whatever, and I just stumble and crash through all her barriers and fall into her, doing harm I never meant to do. She invites me to see her beautiful garden, but I'm so happy to be there and to see her, that I trample all her lovely flowers on which she's worked so hard, in a rush to give her a great bear hug that crushes her ribs. And then, because I know that about myself, and because it's happened before, I try even harder not to do it. I warn her about it. I try to explain that I don't mean any harm. I fall all over myself trying to prevent it. But of course, that all only makes it worse. I genuinely only mean good--it comes of an excess of love; not just romantic, but of all kinds, and not from a desire to be overbearing or forceful. But it always turns out hurtful, and for that I am truly sorry.

If there were just one thing that I could get her to understand, or to convince her to believe, it would be that nothing I have done, at any point during this whole affair, has been designed or intended to try and force, coerce, or even persuade her to be involved with me romantically. All my efforts have been directed toward just trying to be a genuine friend and a brother. My feelings are what they are, and I have to deal with them. And I guess I'm too open about it. But I never meant any of it to make her feel pressured or harassed. If it did, then for that I am truly sorry too. What I really wanted so much that it made me act the way I did and try so hard, was to just have her in my life again. I just missed her. My world without her in it is empty, miserable, and grey. Not that that's her fault: my life was that way before I met her. But now that she's shown me that there can be beauty and joy in this life, it's immeasurably harder to live without those things. But even in that, I didn't mean to be aggressive or coercive: I just get overexcited and overzealous about the things I love.

Taking all that into consideration, I don't think that putting my needs before hers would be the right thing to do. I do very much want to fully take part in the life of the parish--and in my own life--again. But I believe that I still must put consideration for her before consideration of my own feelings, desires, or needs. If this were a different situation...if she were a different girl...then that might not be the case. If this were just the typical girl being typically cold-hearted, selfish, and cruel, then I absolutely would respond by shrugging my shoulders, realizing that I was better off without her in my life, and doing whatever I wanted and letting her just deal with it. But she is not that girl, and she deserves better than that. Yes, she's made mistakes and wronged me. But so have I her. And I believe in my heart of hearts that, on both sides, it was unintentional and came out of misunderstanding, fear, and uncertainty. So we ended up, on the one hand, with her fears, her reserve, her reticence, and whatever baggage she's carrying. And on the other, with my clumsiness; my insecurities about it, and about my weight; my fears of rejection because of what's happened in the past, and my desperation to always try too hard to keep it from happening again. And on both sides, with strong will and stubbornness. Put it all together and you've got a disaster: An irresistible force striking an immovable object.

There is a place for practicing social graces and convention. But I don't think this is it. I'm convinced that the rule to follow here is this:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

True Grit - Sleeping in the back of a Chinese grocery

This is where I'd have ended up if it hadn't been for Jesus.

There's a metaphor here somewhere....

Be Thou My Vision

Kingdom of Heaven

"There have been many kingdoms of men throughout history: they come, they go, they rise, they fall. But there is a kingdom: a kingdom above every kingdom that spans far beyond the limited kingdoms of men. One will not see the castles on earth of this kingdom, because the kingdom begins in the heart; it begins inside of us. And this isn't a kingdom of politics or economics: it's a kingdom of brotherhood. It has an aristocracy, based not on dominance, but on service. It has a house of lords, but it's not filled with eldest sons; it's filled with selfless brothers. It's not a kingdom of pride, but of humility. It knows no greed, but fosters selfless giving. It's a kingdom that does not banish the weak, but offers to make the weak strong. This kingdom is the Kingdom of Heaven. And in the final analysis, how we've lived our lives in this kingdom is all that will matter." -- John Paul Jackson

“I never wish to offend, but I am so foolishly shy, that I often seem negligent, when I am only kept back by my natural awkwardness ... Shyness is only the effect of a sense of inferiority in some way or other. If I could persuade myself that my manners were perfectly easy and graceful, I should not be shy.”

-- Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

Transcript of text conversation with my daughter:

Her: ...they'll be like that thing in Goonies.

Me: He was sweet, though

Her: Yeah. Retards usually don't know any better than to be nice to people.

Me: <pause> OMG, I just realized I'm retarded.

'Ever as I sang, the veil was uplifted; ever as I sang, signs of life grew; till, when the eyes dawned upon me, it was with that sunrise of splendour which my feeble song attempted to re-imbody. The wonder is, that I was not overcome, but was able to complete my song as the veil continued to rise. This ability came solely from the state of mental elevation in which I found myself. Only because I was uplifted in song, was I able to endure the blaze of the dawn. But I cannot tell whether she looked more of statue or more of woman; she seemed removed into that region of phantasy where all is intensely vivid, but nothing clearly defined. At last, as I sang of her descending hair, the glow of soul faded away, like a dying sunset. A lamp within had been extinguished, and the house of life shone blank in a winter morn. She was a statue once more--but visible, that much was gained. Yet the revulsion from hope and fruition was such, that, unable to restrain myself, I sprang to her, and, in defiance of the law of the place, flung my arms around her, as if I would tear her from the grasp of a visible Death, and lifted her from the pedestal down to my heart. But no sooner had her feet ceased to be in contact with the black pedestal, than she shuddered and trembled all over; then, writhing from my arms, before I could tighten their hold, she sprang into the corridor, with the reproachful cry, "You should not have touched me!" darted behind one of the exterior pillars of the circle, and disappeared. I followed almost as fast; but ere I could reach the pillar, the sound of a closing door, the saddest of all sounds sometimes, fell on my ear; and, arriving at the spot where she had vanished, I saw, lighted by a pale yellow lamp which hung above it, a heavy, rough door, altogether unlike any others I had seen in the palace; for they were all of ebony, or ivory, or covered with silver-plates, or of some oderous wood, and very ornate; whereas this seemed of old oak, with heavy nails and iron studs. Notwithstanding the precipitation of my pursuit, I could not help reading in silver letters beneath the lamp: "No one enters here without the leave of the Queen." But what was the Queen to me, when I followed my white lady? I dashed the door to the wall and sprang through. Lo! I stood on a waste windy hill. Great stones like tombstones stood all about me. No door, no palace was to be seen. A white figure gleamed past me, wringing her hands, and crying, " Ah! you should have sung to me; you should have sung to me!" and disappeared behind one of the stones. I followed. A cold gust of wind met me from behind the stone; and when I looked, I saw nothing but a great hole in the earth, into which I could find no way of entering. Had she fallen in? I could not tell. I must wait for daylight. I sat down and wept, for there was no help.' -- George MacDonald, Phantastes, A Faerie Romance for Men and Women

Fury

"The Lord's protection"

"Here am I, Lord. Send me."

Best Job I Ever Had

"I found cheerfulness to be like life itself--not to be created by any argument. Afterwards I learned, that the best way to manage some kinds of painful thoughts, is to dare them to do their worst; to let them lie and gnaw at your heart until they are tired; and you find you still have a residue of life they cannot kill."

-- George MacDonald, Phantastes

Fitness Update

As of last week, I have lost 100 pounds from my all-time high of 350 several years ago. I'm 12 pounds away from my stated goal of 100 pounds from my more recent starting weight of 338. Ultimately, I'd like to get down somewhere in the neighborhood of 200: at that point I'm just going to have to see what is lean and healthy, rather than setting an arbitrary number now without really knowing.

Veni Sancte Spiritus

When I first heard this at the opening of Shadowlands, I thought it was an actual piece of ancient church music. But it was composed by George Fenton for the movie.

This is one of my all-time favorite movies: I had the VHS for many years and played it until I wore it out. It's the true story of C.S. Lewis and his beautiful love and too-brief marriage with Joy Davidman, a divorced American poet 17 years his junior.

In his younger years, Lewis wrote warily, almost dismissively, of romantic love. In The Allegory of Love, he takes the cynical view (still quoted by pragmatic-minded Christians who choose to disregard his later, more developed thoughts on the subject) that romantic love is naught but an invention of medieval Western culture. But after Joy had changed his life, he took a different view. In The Four Loves he writes:

“Now EROS makes a man really want, not a woman, but one particular woman. In some mysterious but quite indisputable fashion the lover desires the Beloved herself, not the pleasure she can give.” 

And of Joy, after her death, he wrote:

"We feasted on love; every mode of it, solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as a thunderstorm, sometimes comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. She was my pupil and my teacher, my subject and my sovereign, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that any man friend has ever been to me."

It's amazing how coming up against a bit of reality can challenge our most dearly-held idealogical idols. Like the old adage about atheists in foxholes. "We must kill our darlings," as they put it in creative writing circles.

I particularly like this comment by another blogger:

"The truth is this… Eros represents the love of God towards man. He is fixated on us individually, specifically, He considers us to be His BELOVED. NO ONE else will do, He is captivated by our beauty, by our unique and irreplaceable worth… it’s only the third of the four love words the Greeks had to describe love, and the bible reflects those words in a myriad of ways to begin to paint a beautiful portrait of God’s “Feelings” towards us. His commitment to honor and love and pursue us forever. No wonder it’s been co-opted by our enemy to become something tarnished and dirty and shameful. It’s time we take it back!" (http://roadtripparenting.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/reclaiming-romantic-love-cs-lewis-on-eros/)

Or, as my mother says:

"Deep down, every woman knows that the way it's SUPPOSED to be is that when a man is truly in love with her--when he's the one she's really supposed to be with--he forgets every other woman in the world and couldn't care less about them. But they're afraid to believe it, because every man they've ever met has let them down."

Yep, that's the way it's supposed to be, because a man's love for a woman is supposed to be a reflection of Christ's love for his Church. Or as close as a mere man can get to it, anyway. We all fall short, but a few of us at least give it a heroic effort. And pray for God's grace, and the Beloved's, to make up the rest.

I've learned that the brother of a very dear friend is very sick. I've never met him, but I love the rest of the family, and so he gets the benefit of the doubt. I am praying and fasting, and ask you all to join me in praying for him, and for this family who are experiencing some other challenges as well.

Safety & Suffering - C.S. Lewis

"Any time God wants you to do something important, He will not give you a lot of details. Because God will use not only the destination, but the journey, to train you how to hear His voice."

-- T.D. Jakes

Voce mea ad Dominum

I will cry to God with my voice; even unto God will I cry with my voice, and he shall hear me.
In the time of my trouble I sought the Lord; I stretched forth my hands unto him, and ceased not in the night season; my soul refused comfort.
When I am in heaviness, I will think upon God; when my heart is vexed, I will complain.

Will the Lord absent himself forever? and will he be no more intreated?
Is his mercy clean gone forever? and is his promise come utterly to an end for evermore?
Hath God forgotten to be gracious? and will he shut up his lovingkindness in displeasure?

And I said, it is mine own infirmity; but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most Highest.

Psalm 77: 1-3, 7-10

Fear is useless; what is needed is trust. -- Jesus

The only way for us to have anything is to give everything away.

The only way to be exalted is to humble yourself.

The only way to increase is to decrease.

The only way to receive love is to give love.

The only way to grow is to get smaller.

The only way to be taken care of is to take care of someone else.

It's the rule of the Kingdom.

-- Keith Green

"...She laughed at him. 'O son of Hur, is it the fashion of the very brave to be so easily overcome by a woman?'" -- Lew Wallace

Yes. Yes it is.

"Wherefore I wished, and understanding was given me: and I called upon God, and the spirit of wisdom came upon me: And I preferred her before kingdoms and thrones, and esteemed riches nothing in comparison of her. Neither did I compare unto her any precious stone: for all gold in comparison of her, is as a little sand, and silver in respect to her shall be counted as clay. I loved her above health and beauty, and chose to have her instead of light: for her light cannot be put out. Now all good things came to me together with her, and innumerable riches through her hands, And I rejoiced in all these: for this wisdom went before me, and I knew not that she was the mother of them all. Which I have learned without guile, and communicate without envy, and her riches I hide not. For she is an infinite treasure to men, which they that use, become the friends of God, being commended for the gift of discipline." -- Wisdom 7:7-14

How I Know

"Infused faith, which makes us believe all that God has revealed because He is Truth itself, is like a higher spiritual sense which allows us to hear a divine harmony that is inaccessible to every other means of knowing. Infused faith is like a higher sense of hearing for the audition of a spiritual symphony which has God for its composer."

-- Reginald Garrigou-Lagrange, O.P.

Keith Green - Your Love Broke Through

I don't listen to a lot of contemporary Christian music. Even way back when this was "contemporary", I thought most of if was just badly done, trite, and shallow. But Keith Green was different: there was just something about his music which cut through all the crap and went straight for the heart. This song, especially, has gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life.

“Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.”

-- C.S. Lewis

"Now, therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace in thy sight, shew me now thy way, that I may know thee."

-- Exodus 33:13

"The fiend whose work it is to torture us with fears and bitter thoughts seldom does his work by halves." -- Lew Wallace

My Back

The VA has been approving pretty much every request for outside care these days, since they've been taking heat; so my doctor and I took the opportunity to get me some physical therapy, chiropracty, and acupuncture. The chiropractor took these xrays and it's actually worse than I thought. I'd been told there was some "degeneration" before, but I had pictured some subtle misalignment of the vertebrae. I'd never been shown and had it explained like this before. It's not in the x-ray, but he said there's also a curve in the middle back, compensating for the upper and lower ones.

While showing these to me, he shook his head in sad perplexity: "I'm amazed you're not in more agony than you are". He was referring to the discussion we had just had about my workout schedule and physical activities: going hiking, etc. Well, Doc, the thing is, I actually am; I just got to a place where I couldn't let it stop me living my life anymore. I did that for years, and ended up in a very dark place. 

"My back's as crooked as a question mark." 

He says that this kind of deformity is caused by trauma.

Lower back injury is from the tank accident.

The impact of the truck when I stopped it using the other truck twisted my neck and bent it forward. I gave the numbers: vehicle weight, load, speed, etc., to a physics professor once, and he said I hit that other truck with enough force to launch the space shuttle out of the earth's gravitational pull. This is what it did to my spine.

Conversation I had with someone before I went hiking:

"Can you afford that?"

"Yes. I've got my disability, and so get paid while I'm gone, since I don't work." (I was planning on being gone nine months at the time)

"And yet you can do this...."

Well, THIS ^^ is why I'm on disability. It hurts all the time: all day, every day, and it often wakes me up at night. I manage to do things because I'm determined to do them, not because they're easy or because there's nothing actually wrong. Did it hurt while I was backpacking? Hell yes. Every single step, every moment I had that pack on was torment. But, as my drill sergeant taught me, F.I.D.O. ($#@! it, drive on). And when I stopped because of my knee, it wasn't because I couldn't take the pain anymore; it was a rational decision based on the damage it was doing and the future consequences of continuing to further damage it.

The good news is that the treatments, along with physical therapy, are helping. As will continuing to get in better shape, although at the moment the intensity of the exercise is actually making it hurt more. But I figure, I'll deal with the pain now, with the help of the therapy, and then when I've reached my fitness goal, I'll ease off to a maintenance level. My MD and I would like to get me to a place with all this where I don't need any pain pills anymore. It's a bit of an ambitious goal and I have my doubts, but it would be nice: I'm skeptically optimistic.

My chiropractor is a genuinely decent man, and a big supporter of veterans. He said that any treatment I need which the VA doesn't cover, he's going to do at his own cost. Wow. Only way I can make any repayment for that is to say that if any of you in the Charlottesville area have pain issues, go see Dr. Cox. He's not only a good guy, but very good at what he does.

An interesting note on acupuncture: they have a machine hooked to a computer that measures the meridians and tells him which are out of balance. I had several hits, but one in particular made the sensor sound like a Geiger counter at Chernobyl. Turns out it's the one associated with unrequited love. And sure enough, upon the first treatment, I felt significant emotional relief. It didn't solve anything, by any means: it just gave me a temporary respite from the overbearing weight of it.