I think...I can't be certain, of course, but I think that what this is all about is that she wanted very much to protect herself, emotionally, and felt like I was blundering about, trespassing on her sacred mysteries. And I do tend to be rather clumsy about that sort of thing. I try to be gentle. I try to be considerate, and generous, and self-sacrificing, and kind, but I always end up like Lenny with the little mouse. A girl wants--or needs--to be reticent, and cautious, and delicate, and to take things slowly, whether with romance or friendship or whatever, and I just stumble and crash through all her barriers and fall into her, doing harm I never meant to do. She invites me to see her beautiful garden, but I'm so happy to be there and to see her, that I trample all her lovely flowers on which she's worked so hard, in a rush to give her a great bear hug that crushes her ribs. And then, because I know that about myself, and because it's happened before, I try even harder not to do it. I warn her about it. I try to explain that I don't mean any harm. I fall all over myself trying to prevent it. But of course, that all only makes it worse. I genuinely only mean good--it comes of an excess of love; not just romantic, but of all kinds, and not from a desire to be overbearing or forceful. But it always turns out hurtful, and for that I am truly sorry.
If there were just one thing that I could get her to understand, or to convince her to believe, it would be that nothing I have done, at any point during this whole affair, has been designed or intended to try and force, coerce, or even persuade her to be involved with me romantically. All my efforts have been directed toward just trying to be a genuine friend and a brother. My feelings are what they are, and I have to deal with them. And I guess I'm too open about it. But I never meant any of it to make her feel pressured or harassed. If it did, then for that I am truly sorry too. What I really wanted so much that it made me act the way I did and try so hard, was to just have her in my life again. I just missed her. My world without her in it is empty, miserable, and grey. Not that that's her fault: my life was that way before I met her. But now that she's shown me that there can be beauty and joy in this life, it's immeasurably harder to live without those things. But even in that, I didn't mean to be aggressive or coercive: I just get overexcited and overzealous about the things I love.
Taking all that into consideration, I don't think that putting my needs before hers would be the right thing to do. I do very much want to fully take part in the life of the parish--and in my own life--again. But I believe that I still must put consideration for her before consideration of my own feelings, desires, or needs. If this were a different situation...if she were a different girl...then that might not be the case. If this were just the typical girl being typically cold-hearted, selfish, and cruel, then I absolutely would respond by shrugging my shoulders, realizing that I was better off without her in my life, and doing whatever I wanted and letting her just deal with it. But she is not that girl, and she deserves better than that. Yes, she's made mistakes and wronged me. But so have I her. And I believe in my heart of hearts that, on both sides, it was unintentional and came out of misunderstanding, fear, and uncertainty. So we ended up, on the one hand, with her fears, her reserve, her reticence, and whatever baggage she's carrying. And on the other, with my clumsiness; my insecurities about it, and about my weight; my fears of rejection because of what's happened in the past, and my desperation to always try too hard to keep it from happening again. And on both sides, with strong will and stubbornness. Put it all together and you've got a disaster: An irresistible force striking an immovable object.
There is a place for practicing social graces and convention. But I don't think this is it. I'm convinced that the rule to follow here is this:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.