On my Health and Fitness

I am so happy. I went hiking yesterday with my brother and his family, who were down for Thanksgiving, and I felt good. Out-of-shape, from eight months of "resting" (also known as "sitting around on my ass"), but good: strong, and without, for the first time in a very long time, that weakness that has been plaguing me and holding me back.

I saw the doctor earlier this week, and got cleared to start exercising again. And in addition, he's prescribing me a new medication to help me lose the weight I've put on while recovering: it's a daily injection which is supposed to act on the appetite centers of the brain to reduce hunger and cravings. And one of the "side effects" is that, if you do try to overeat, it can make you sick and nauseous, which I see as a bonus--a bit of aversion therapy.

Not that I've really been "overeating". I've been still eating super-healthy; my only weakness is fruit. But even fruit has calories, and if you eat too many of them, you're going to gain weight, if you're so predisposed, no matter where they come from.

So, it's time to start getting back in shape! Like I said, I'm badly out of it right now, but it should start to come back pretty quickly: it hasn't been nearly as long as it feels like since I worked out. It is somewhat discouraging to have to almost start over from where I was 18 months or so ago. But really, I've found that that's the way it works: I generally have to lose the same weight two or three times before my body adjusts and settles into its new, lighter self. The first time, I had to use brute force to break through all the resistance and barriers to change. This time, I'll go slower and more healthily, and hopefully there won't have to be a third time.

"It is true that sin is the cause of all this suffering, but all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."
-- Jesus

(from Revelations of Divine Love, by Julian of Norwich)

Thinking of You on Thanksgiving

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." -- G.K. Chesterton

I am truly, genuinely, profoundly thankful
for all that God has done for me.
For all that He has given me.
For all that He has promised me.

He has healed my body.
He has freed my mind.
He has restored my soul.
He has renewed my spirit.
He has provided what I need, and more.
He has given me gifts.
He has spoken to me.
He has shown Himself to me.

He has given Himself, for me, and to me.
And for that, of course, I am thankful above all.

But after Himself,
I thank Him most
For you.
That I have seen you.
That I have known you.
That I have loved you.

I thank Him for the time that we had
and the wonder of the loveliness that I first beheld in you.
I thank Him for the example
and the inspiration you gave me.
You challenged me to become
a better version of myself.
A man whom I always felt was there,
but trapped
hidden
imprisoned
mired in the morass
of the ugliness of the world.

I thank Him for the things He's taught me
about Himself
and about myself
through loving you
and through losing you.
Things I never would have seen
if it hadn't happened this way.
For only a love of this magnitude
is stronger than despair.

Most of all,
I thank Him that you are.
For it matters more that you are
than that I should have you.

"What does that feel like?" she asked.
We were talking about being in love. True love.

She was a pretty girl, with a big dog, who was curled up at my feet.
She'd gotten out of her Volvo,
barefoot, long hair loose
her femininity showing through her thin cotton t-shirt
While I was sitting at a roadside crossing
reclining against my backpack
boots off
eating trail mix and jerky
and thinking about the coming rain

Over the next few days, we crossed paths several times
She said she was trying to make it to the North Carolina border and back over the weekend
But I met her coming back the other direction, and she kept showing up
like she couldn't make up her mind
And we talked

I should probably have been hitting on her
It felt like that's what she wanted
But instead, we ended up talking about You.

"When she walks by," I answered,
"I see sparkly fairy-trails behind her.
When she's in the same room,
I hear a faint hum, just below the silence,
like angels' music.
When she's in the same building,
I feel a warm glow in my chest,
like opium.
Just knowing that she is in the world,
even if I never see her again,
makes me see it as a brighter, more beautiful place,
And loving her
makes me love everyone else more."

"In this vision he also showed me a little thing, the size of a hazelnut in the palm of my hand, and it was round as a ball. I looked at it with my mind's eye and thought, 'What can this be?'  And the answer came to me, 'It is all that is made.' I wondered how it could last, for it was so small I thought it might suddenly have disappeared. And the answer in my mind was, It lasts and will last for ever, because God loves it; and everything exists in the same way by the love of God." -- Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love