I'm finally on the road. Picked up my trailer about a week ago, then spent several days getting things in order, figuring things out, etc. Left the area that's been my home for the past decade a few days ago, and truly began my travels. I'm in Michigan now, visiting an old friend; next up to Ontario, to see another, even older one.
So far it's been more like a shakedown cruise than a recreational journey: I'm still learning how everything works, and getting my routines established. But it's coming quickly, and I'm sure I'll be getting much more enjoyment out of it before long.
I'll be staying with my friend in Ontario for a week or so, then heading down to Toronto for the first of the real reasons I'm doing this: to seek encounters with God at one of the churches where He is known to show up regularly. I'll be there until late August.
Because also, Carolina is coming back in late August, and I'm picking her up in Toronto. We spent some time praying about it, and both agreed that we felt the Lord calling us to seek Him and His will for our future together. To seek His will together, that is, not that He revealed that His will for our future is to be together. Although maybe. I'm open to being shown by Him that that is the case. She truly is wonderful to me. But once again, it's not about that, or my feelings; it's about God's plan for our future. "For I know the plans I have for you: plans of good, and not of evil, to give you hope and bring you to an expected end." (Jer 29:11)
There is an obvious question that arises from us traveling together and sharing living quarters, since we are Christians and seeking active encounter with God, so let me answer it clearly but tactfully: No. We are in a relationship, and we have been and will be sharing quarters, because of the unique circumstance in which we find ourselves; but we have a line that we don't cross, mutually agreed upon, and that's that.
Control the soul's restless fluctuations by love.
Calm its desires by self-control.
Give wings to its powers of understanding by prayer.
Then the light of your spiritual intellect will never be dimmed.
Love and self-control liberate the soul from its obsessions.
Reading and reflection deliver the intellect from ignorance.
Regular prayer brings the soul into the very presence of God.
So Carolina is back home in Italy, and I'm alone again. This was a choice and, I am confident, the right thing to do: we need to spend some time apart, seeking His will and exploring our options. We are both at transition points in our lives, and need to find our ways separately; if we are to end up back together, then it should be because we freely choose to, not because we find ourselves thrown together in a time of need and don't see any other appealing option. However, none of that stops me from feeling lonely and missing her.
The question, then, that everyone seems to have for me is Why am I hesitating? Or, to put it more bluntly, Am I friggin' crazy? Yeah, I get it. From a practical, reasonable perspective, this girl...
...who, in addition to being this beautiful, is intelligent, creative, wise, kind, sweet, courageous, giving, generous, and most importantly, loves the Lord, is, in her own words, completely in love with me, treats me like a king, makes me happier than I have ever been, and thinks I am perfect exactly the way I am. So what the hell is wrong with me, that I sent her home, so that we both can pray about and consider our future?
Well, I've already addressed the God's will issue, which is the main thing, so let's leave that aside for now. Let's say, for the sake of discussion, that He is giving me options, and leaving it up to my choice.
In that case, the issue would be that I can't give what I no longer possess. I have given my heart to someone in such a profound and absolute way, that I don't know if I can ever recover it to give it to anyone else. I have loved her for so long, and so entirely, that I don't know if I can ever stop. She is in my bones. She's in my blood. She's in my DNA. I don't know if I can undo that, or if so, how. And if I'm going to be with Carolina, she deserves...she truly, abundantly deserves...that same kind of love from me. I can't be with her, with my heart still half with someone else. She deserves much better. She deserves everything.
So I suppose that what I am waiting for is, once again, God. He infused this supernatural, mystical, irresistible love for the other girl into my heart. So what would have to happen, would be for Him to put that same kind of love for Carolina in my heart, and free me from the other one. But in order for that to happen, two other things would be required; a revelation that it is His will for us, and my choosing to accept it. So, I guess we are back to the God's will thing after all. And that is why we've chosen to have this time apart--so that we can both seek Him and discern His will for us.
The Lord's hand has clearly been in my meeting with Carolina. Patently. Unmistakably. We both see this, as does everyone who is observing, even those who don't normally believe in such things. But then there is also six years' worth of his messages and guidance to me, regarding You. So the question is, what is his intention here? What is his purpose? Or is it just my choice--is he giving me options?
One possibility I've been considering is that he has, in fact, been speaking to me about You for all this time, and that he's also been speaking to you about me, but you haven't been listening, or have been resisting. Perhaps he's been calling you to come to me, to love me, to heal me, and to let me love and heal you; but that since you have continued to refuse, he has brought me someone else who will, because he decided that it was time to end my suffering whether you cooperated or not. In support of this theory is a dream I had, after I saw you for the first time at the new church, before the last time. In the dream, I was kneeling in prayer, at the front of the church, and you were in the back. You came toward me to talk to me, then turned into a little girl and ran away.
Another possibility is that he brought Carolina and me together for a specific time and purpose, but that he has different final destinations for us. This has been my working hypothesis, and was the condition on which I accepted a romantic relationship with her in the first place. She promised me that she would be open to this, and that if you came to me, she would leave and wish us all happiness. But I promised that I would consider that he brought us together to stay together, and so I am truly opening myself to that possibility. I am going to keep that promise by spending the next months, as I travel, until Carolina and I see each other again, in prayer, seeking his will and guidance about our relationship.
However this ends, I have to say that I owe her a debt of eternal gratitude for what she's done for me. She treats me better than I ever imagined it was possible for a woman to treat a man in this age. She's given me more genuine love in one month than I have received from every other woman in my life, for the entirety of my life, combined. In all respects but one, it has been like she's been my wife for the last month, and it has been wonderful. A dream. The alternate vision of my life, in which I'm living with her in Italy, where my income would enable us to live very comfortably, bathing daily in her love, is quite tempting.
Even more appealing, in some ways, is the vision of her and I together traveling around, helping, ministering to, and freeing women who have suffered and been hurt in the worst ways possible. What I wanted to do before I met You, but it never worked out. She has a heart for the same thing, and it would work much better with a woman with me, to earn their trust.
But this is not, and has never been, about my wishes, feelings, and desires. It is, and has always been, about nothing more or less than God's will and guidance. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to vindicate myself on that count.
I have been told repeatedly, by numerous people starting with your parents, that I am being led by nothing but my own desires; that I am "ruled by my emotions"; that I am deluded by my own feelings. If that were so--if I were a man who was directed by desires and ruled by emotions--then the choice here would be clear and easy, and I would never look back. The fact that I am struggling with this decision--the girl who loves me more than I knew it was possible to be loved and is ready, even eager to be with me right now, or the one who has steadfastly ignored and rejected me for years, and may still for years to come--should prove that it is not my feelings which guide my decisions.
I also feel vindicated--or perhaps acquitted would be a better term--by the fact that she has trusted me, spent a month alone with me, much of it in my isolated house in the woods, and has gone home unharmed--in every sense. I am exactly the opposite kind of man than I have been made out to be, and she has given me the opportunity to prove that. For that, too, I am eternally grateful to her, and to God.
I feel justified in another sense as well: in that I have promised you repeatedly that I would love and accept you no matter what, whatever it is that you might think makes you unlovable or unacceptable. But Carolina's past is far more painful and traumatic than any I could ever possibly imagine for you, and I was able to do exactly the thing for her that I said I wished to do for you: to hold her in my arms, look in her eyes, and tell her that she was loved, accepted, and forgiven, no matter what.
So back to the question: what now? Again, I don't know for certain. But one thing, which I was seriously considering even before I met her, was that as of the sale of my house and my going on the road, I wasn't going to write to You anymore. I actually have several drafts of that in my blogger file, which I never completed. But I think now that this is right, and that her appearance in my life is confirmation of that. Not only for the original reasons I had for making such a resolution; that is, making a change in my own life, etc., but because it would be unkind, unfair, even cruel to her to continue writing love poems and confessions of undying devotion to you while I am in a relationship with her. And if I am going to honestly give this relationship a chance, and truly open myself to the possibility of God taking me on a different path, then I have to let that go, at least for now, and until it becomes clear which way I'm going to take.
And so, goodbye to You. I have loved you more than I knew it was possible to love. I will always love you, and part of my heart will always be yours, even if I am able to move on to a different kind of love with someone else. If your reason for reading my words for so long is, as I believe, that you have needed my love and adoration, then I am sorry that I will no longer be able to provide it; but I must move on: I have waited long enough. And I deserve better than what I've gotten from you, she has finally convinced me of that; which is nothing--or actually, less than nothing, because unfounded suspicions, false accusations, and unfair judgments definitely fall into the negative category.
If you still need to hear how wonderful you are, how much someone loves you, then you can still go back and read the old entries, and know that they will always be true.
Thank you for your affection, your intimacy, your trust, your admiration, your devotion: all the things I've always needed but never had
Thank you for being the one who had the courage to taste and see if I am good, and for finding that I am. And for telling me so.
Thank you for calling me 'knight', 'hero', 'savior', 'gentleman', 'perfect lover', 'great man'. Everything a man could ever wish to be called by a woman.
Thank you for allowing me to help you, to heal you, to be good, kind, and gentle to you. To show you what kind of man I truly am. And most of all, to show you Jesus, and to bring you and Him closer to each other.
Thank you for bringing laughter, happiness, and silliness back into my life. I've laughed more in the last month than in the previous ten years.
Thank you for making me funny again. For making me fun again.
Thank you for showing me, at long last, what it feels like to be loved.
I'm in Boston (for the first time in my life) with Carolina, and having a wonderful time. It just so happens that my dear friend Maggie has recently moved here, as her husband Nico has a new job at Harvard. I was planning to come by and see her when I hit the road with my camper, but this is even better. I wasn't relishing driving through this part of the country with a trailer. Carolina is flying out from here in a few days. I like Boston so far, surprisingly, as I generally don't like cities.
I closed on my house on Tuesday, so everything is done and that chapter of my life is closed. After I drop Carolina off in a couple of days, I'll head back to Virginia to stay with my brother and look for the camper, and then I'm off.
Monday, July 1, 2019
"One has to accept sorrow for it to be of any healing power, and that is the most difficult thing in the world... A priest once said to me,"When you understand what accepted sorrow means, you will understand everything. It is the secret of life." -- Maurice Baring
Edit by Carolina:
Right, but also "When you understand what accepted JOY means, you will understand everything. It is the secret of life." -- A Silly Tiny girl completely in love for you
