"I don't know about sides. I go my own way; but your way may go along with mine for a while."
-- J.R.R Tolkien

I want to talk some more about the issue of Leading and Direction. I know some people roll their eyes and shake their heads when I speak about being led by the Lord. But that's the way I live my life, and I have no doubt anymore that it's real, although I can still be and am still sometimes mistaken in my perception or discernment of it.

There's a very interesting story surrounding the dream I mentioned in my last post:

Now, an important thing to remember is that neither of us knew the other's side of the story until months later. Another thing that's important to understand is that she didn't come from a background of believing in, or even knowing about this kind of thing. She was raised Catholic, but only nominally--go to church for certain social conventions, but don't really believe it or live by it; her mother was very much atheist. Carolina, however, had a very sweet love for and relationship with Jesus in spite of that, from childhood, but had no direction or instruction in how to have an active relationship with him, nor encouragement in believing that it was real.

Anyway, after we'd spent some time together, and I'd told her all about my life, my feelings, my leadings and promises from the Lord, she began praying that he would speak to me about her in the same way he had about the other girl. Again, I did not know this. And so, he came to me in that dream, in answer to her prayers. I didn't tell her about it. But then, later, she was praying and asking why he didn't speak to me about her, and he came to her in a dream, and said, "I did. He didn't choose you."

This came up in a discussion we had months later, and it was then we both learned the other's part. She asked me, "He didn't give you the option to choose me?" And I said, yes, and then it all came out. To me, that is further proof that this stuff is real.

So I bring this up in order to say that what I'm doing right now is praying for clear direction, and trying to discern my path forward from here. I know what seems like the most logical direction, if one doesn't take all this metaphysical stuff into account. Well, actually, I see two logical options: one very bright and one rather grim. 1) Try and get Carolina back by giving her what she wants: my whole heart; a proper proposal, a life together, a happy future. But I can only do that if I'm sure I can actually, truly, honestly do it, with all my heart. Or 2) Give up altogether, and just live the rest of my life alone. Take a look at myself, and say realistically, "I don't think I'd be doing anybody any good," and leave it at that. Actually, there's a third, middle road: try dating other women, try to find someone more suitable in a practical sense, a more "sensible" relationship--someone closer to my age, who doesn't want children, etc. But then I'm probably just doing the same thing again--ending up breaking her heart because I can't give mine.

But those are the ways of seeing it from a merely human point of view. One of them clearly has obvious merits above all the others, and if I were only making a decision in my own human capacity, it's obviously the one I would choose. But I'm not: I am absolutely committed to living my life by "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." And so I'm praying for his clear guidance and direction, for both of us. For all of us. I want what's best for my future, for Carolina's future, and for all concerned, and only He knows that.

That's not just talk. I really, truly want what's best for her, even at my own expense. If I'm not the best future for her, then I want to let her go, so she can find the one who is. Even if it hurts me, and makes me jealous, and leaves me alone and lonely again. If someone else can give her what I can't--if someone can make her happier than I could--then that's what I want for her.

The question, which I've asked a number of times--'Is it possible for me to love someone else, in a different way?'--has been answered. It turns out, yes, it is. It is possible for me to love someone very much.

So what happened then? Why did we break up? Well...to be honest, the exact thing happened that I was always afraid would happen, if I dated someone else. I broke her heart, because I wasn't able to love her like I'd loved...you know, the other girl. I guess the simple answer to the question of why we broke up is, because I didn't marry her.

So, then, 'Why didn't you marry her?' Or, as it has been put by guys who have seen her, 'What is wrong with you? Are you &%$@#! retarded?' Yeah, I know. She is, in many ways, everything that a man could dream of. But I'll repeat the answer my son gave to one who asked just that: "My dad's priorities are not the same as most."

And the fact is that I never actually decided not to marry her. I just didn't decide to marry her within a time-frame which she found acceptable. Modern love moves too fast for me, and I can't keep up with the pace of relationships in the contemporary world. This is what happened to me, on a condensed scale, with Amanda: she developed a crush on me, pursued it, gave me an opportunity (which I missed), and then moved on and got over it before I even realized what was happening. In the current case, it was a much longer time scale, but again I was not able to keep up, and I guess she lost faith in the hope that I would get there.

There were other complications. On many levels, we are very, very different people with very different views about life and the world, different values and principles, different beliefs and tastes. We didn't share that commonality which I valued so much with the other girl, before. She began to see these things too, as we spent more time together. But those things could probably have been worked through with patience, humility, wisdom, and love. And she did love me. She really, really did.

There was also the issue of the time and geography constraint of her presence here in this country, which put a lot of pressure and stress on her--she didn't have forever just to sit around and wait for me to make up my mind. And she was in a rather awkward and precarious situation. I understand that.

Also, we were in a very small space together, on the road, under the stress of constant traveling and of uncertainty about the future, all of which would put enormous stress on any relationship.

And there was the issue of children. When we first met, she said she didn't think she wanted any. Then, later on, she realized that she did. Which she is perfectly entitled to do. But I'm feeling like, at this point, I might just be too old. I know I said before that I wanted to have children with the other girl, but that was like five or six years ago, and I'm over 50 now. Maybe if I get the physical healing I'm seeking on this trip, I could do it. But right now, I just don't think I'm up to it.

And also, the six months after a man's daughter dies is not when you're going to see him at the best he can be.

But the main thing is, as I said, it was just too fast for me. My feelings don't move that quickly. It took me three years to fall in love with the other one. And I just didn't get anywhere near being that sure about my love for her in the time we were together. And that's what it would take for me to be ready to marry someone. I have to be absolutely sure that this is the woman with whom I can spend the REST OF MY LIFE. And I can't be sure of that in a few months. Again, it took me years to reach that point before, and that was with someone with whom I shared much more commonality of interest, outlook, taste, and lifestyle.

Also, I haven't yet come to terms with God's leading in my life on this issue. I was absolutely certain that he led me to love the other woman. Then, when Carolina came along, it seemed clear from circumstances that he brought us together for a reason. And he did give me the option. The night she came into my life, while she was sleeping on my couch, I had a dream of a bride. I thought at the time that it was still about the other one. But then a few nights later, more explicitly, I dreamed I was in the Garden of Eden, and Jesus came to me with her, holding her hand, and I was asked if I wished to marry her instead of the other.

The problem is, that this came very early on in our relationship, and I chose not to accept that offer. I had loved so long, and invested so much in, and suffered so much for, the other girl that I couldn't conceive of giving her up for someone else. And I felt like I was told that I'd made the right decision. But then, as my relationship with her progressed, and as she steadfastly and adamantly offered me her love, I thought, well, why don't I at least give this a chance, and see? And I honestly opened myself up to it. Especially when, after my daughter died, I accidentally saw the other one on the street, and she couldn't even be bothered to cross the street to say, "Sorry for your loss." Whereas Carolina was there for me through the whole thing.

But still, even with that, I had loved that woman so deeply, so truly, and so long, that it's not something that I can get over instantaneously, or quickly even. Or in a few weeks. Or a few months. Or perhaps even a few years. I don't know how long, or if, I will ever be totally over it.

I just couldn't get to the point of being ready to commit my entire life to her as quickly as she needed me to. And I guess, in addition to the time constraints, and concerns about her future, that was probably hurtful and insulting to her. So, for that, I am deeply sorry--I didn't mean to hurt you.

I think what actually happened, on an emotional level, is that she totally, completely, unreservedly opened herself up to me, and let herself fall in love. And when I didn't return it in the same unhesitating, unreserved way, she shut her heart up again and turned back into self-protective mode. And again, I am profoundly sorry for having caused her that pain. Having been on the receiving end of it, I know how it hurts. But I just couldn't open my heart up that much, that quickly. Not just because of the other girl, and all that, but because of all the long years of misery and pain I suffered as a result of having made a previous bad choice.

The thing is, I made a huge, gigantic, titanic, colossal mistake of the same kind very early in my life, and it ruined my whole life. I married someone too fast, for the wrong reasons, without proper reflection and prudence, without really taking the time to get to know her, and she turned out to be very, very the wrong person. By the grace of God, I am free to marry again after that one, because as far as the church is concerned, it wasn't a valid marriage. I basically got out on a technicality. But I'm not going to get that consideration a second time. If I was like most of the world, and saw marriage as only semi-permanent, experimental,  and dissoluble if things don't work out, then I would have done it. But I'm not--for me, marriage is for life, and the next marriage is the last one. I can't do it without being very, very sure that it's right. And she needed more certainty, and she needed it faster than I could give it to her.

I wasn't at all sure that I wouldn't get there, in time--in fact, I had very much opened myself up to that possibility. And for me, it was still growing, and I was still working on the relationship, when it ended. Even now, I'm not totally closed to the possibility of re-visiting it in the future. In most ways, it was, after all, the best relationship I've ever had in my life. And in many ways, the best one that a man can hope for.

But regardless I do still, and always will, love her, and be grateful to her, and remember her with fondness and affection. She has earned a permanent place in my heart, no matter what happens in the future.

New and Improved. I think I've got it right now, although it's probably still a work in progress.