My Most Precious Gift

I went to my safe deposit box in Charlottesville yesterday, to retrieve the things that had been stored there while I traveled. The contents were telling--vital documents (the main reason I went), some things of my father's, gifts for a girl who didn't love me, and this.

This was the first thing that was ever given to me--as you can see from the inscription, given on the day I was born. The Word of God. A prophetic gift indeed.

I never met Pastor Wesberry within my memory, nor have I ever visited Morningside Baptist Church (though I love the name). But as I sat here at the end of my devotions-and-coffee this morning and picked up this little New Testament, I realized that he set me on a path the day I was born, and that I wanted to thank him one day for that in Heaven. I used, as a very small child before I even learned to read, to sit and hold this lovingly, and gaze at the one picture inside--appropriately enough, the Adoration of the Magi. 

I wonder now how much of my taste and preference was formed before I was even fully aware. From the very Anglican title page to the Authorized Version and the pictures of the church I attended as an infant with my parents, I'd say that they were setting me well on the path to becoming an Anglican.

Baptistism is, after all, just stripped-down Anglicanism, as is also evident in the Hymnal--one of the reasons I love the Anglican liturgy so much: it combines the sublimely beautiful high-church classical music with the old-time hymns that are closest to my heart. 

What is certain, however, is that this gift somehow created for me, in my deepest heart, a love for the Word of God and therethrough for God Himself, that has defined my entire life, and will define my eternity. So, thank you, Pastor Wesberry.

So What's Next?

In my life, I mean. I have, of course, been praying and thinking much about this. Sometimes I have anxiety over it, which is a clue to part of what's next. Here's what I see from here looking forward:

1) More healing. The deepest disorders in my soul have been revealed and addressed, but now there's the matter of making practical changes in my thought patterns, habits, and internal and external life. There's still that generalized anxiety--I don't know if that's going to be miraculously taken away like the social anxiety was, or if I have to work through it in a more practical manner, i.e., learning to trust God day-to-day and moment-to-moment. Also the physical healing has yet to be fully manifest. I'm still praying for and about that, and I'd still like to do that Lourdes-Camino-Fatima and Medjugorje pilgrimage some day. 

2) In the meantime, here in my new cabin-in-the-woods, it's time to start getting back in shape again. Over the last year, between the loss of my daughter, my romantic love affair and then the loss of it, and the general stresses and hassles of trying to diet and exercise while constantly traveling and living in a tiny trailer, I've gone backward quite a bit in that area. Now I'm finally getting back to a healthier routine, I've got a private place to walk with my backpack every day and a trail nearby for longer hikes, and soon I'll be able to start doing things like splitting firewood (one of my favorite exercises since I was a boy) and other such chores, like gardening and all. I'm finally solidly back on keto, with the help of Captain Soup, and starting to feel healthier and more energetic again.

3) I'm going to live quietly and as frugally as possible so that I can pay down the debt I accrued during my travels, which turned out to be quite expensive, from paying for Adina's funeral, and from all the things I'm having to do for this house. I hate having debt, especially credit card debt, and I usually keep none or almost none, but right now I've got quite a bit more than I am comfortable with. Not crushing debt, like many people out there in the world have...not even "a lot" by "normal" standards. But more than I want, according to my principals.

4) It's time to start writing. Seriously writing. All the psychological barriers have been taken away (I think), along with all my excuses. This is going to be my vocation from this time forth. I haven't actually started yet, as I've been preoccupied up till now with matters related to moving and such, but very soon I will start a routine in which I will treat my writing as a job that I have to attend to every day. 

5) I'm about 75% sure that I'm going to enroll here:

https://graduate.christendom.edu/academics/. This is a very conservative Catholic school, it's right down the road in Front Royal, and the graduate school works on two semesters a year online and a summer intensive, which idea I like very much. I don't want all online, but a full-time on-campus might be too much for me, as far as living "in-town", as well as the fact that I can't very well move again right now. Also, the cost is quite reasonable: they are non-profit, and keep their tuition low so as not to have to accept federal financial aid and all the strings and controls that come attached to it. I am very pleasantly picturing living here in my quiet semi-eremitical way, while having some human interaction online through the educational venue, spending the six-week summer session there in Front Royal, but only a few hours from home, hopefully making some real friends...in many ways like the grad school in Sewanee, but with more like-minded people, less drinking, and hopefully quite a bit less false accusation and life-destroying slander. I'm going to do a dual concentration in systematic theology and mystical theology (or spirituality, as they call it), with the addition of as many courses as I can get in Greek and Latin. The spirituality courses are mainly done in the on-campus portion, presumably so that there can be a lot of practical, in-person spiritual direction. 

6) About church--I don't know yet for sure. There's the Anglican church in Waynesboro, but that's a 2-hour drive. Also, I don't know if I'm imagining it, but there seems already to be a shift in attitudes toward me, and I'm wondering if rumors and gossip have followed me...there are links there to the old church. It doesn't crush and paralyze me like it did before, but still, if that is the case, I just don't have really any desire or inclination to put up with it. I found a very small Anglican Catholic parish closer to my house, and visited a Sunday before last. The same rector has a larger parish a bit further away, and I think I'm going to give it a try. I'd like to find some way to be involved with the Catholic Catholic church regularly also, but there are no conservative or traditional parishes or masses nearby, and every time I've tried the normal, modern mass, I have not been at all happy with it. I'd also like to be involved with something on the more charismatic end of the spectrum too, like a weekly home prayer and study group or something.

7) About love--I don't know that either. It's in God's hands. I would, of course, love to have someone here with me. I had forgotten just how pleasant it is, until I was reminded last year. But it would have to be someone like-minded. That is, it would have to be a woman who would walk by my side on the path of following God wholeheartedly, for I will walk no other path. Things like where we're going to live, whether we're going to have children, what the future holds; those are all things that can be discussed and determined together as we go along. I know that not many women would be happy living way out here with me, without more social interaction and towny kind of stuff--I'd be willing to discuss selling and moving again once it's financially practical to do so (in a few years). But on the matter of following the Lord, there is for me no compromise. And when I say following the Lord, I mean it in a very literal and practical sense--praying for and seeking his leading, believing that he is actually going to answer, looking for that answer, and obeying it, when it is clear, even when it doesn't make any sense to the rational human mind.

I would like for it to be a woman who shares also my intellectual, aesthetic, and practical interests and tastes. Someone who is more interested in Shakespeare than Hollywood, in quilting than clubbing, in virtue than vanity; someone who would rather sing Bach and Handel in church worship than endlessly repeated pop choruses. But also, and perhaps most importantly, someone who believes truly, fully, and literally in the Word of God and the Deposit of Faith.

But I am also no longer content to settle for a woman who doesn't truly, deeply love me, now that I actually believe that it is possible (thank you, dear). There has to be someone out there who can be both. Perhaps, once I've gotten settled in my new life and made a bit of progress on number 2, above, I'll try some of the online Catholic matchmaking sites or something. Or perhaps I'll just rest and wait for God to do something again like he did that day on the Appalachian Trail.

8) I'm thinking seriously of making my loft an Air B&B. Not only would this help with number 3, but would alleviate some of the isolation of this place. And perhaps even help with number 7.

"Even if I were the greatest sinner on earth, I should not have less trust in God, for my hope does not rest upon my innocence, but on God's mercy and omnipotence."

-- St. Therese of Lisieux

 In the natural order, in proportion as the child grows, the more self-sufficient he should become, for some day he will no longer have his parents. In the order of grace, on the contrary, the more the child of God grows, the more he understands that he will never be self-sufficient and that he depends intimately on God. As he matures, he should live more by the special inspiration of the Holy Ghost, who, by His seven gifts, supplies for the imperfections of his virtues to such an extent that his is finally more passive under the divine action than given up to his personal activity. In the end he will enter into the bosom of the Father where he will find his beatitude.

A young person, on reaching maturity, leaves his parents to begin life for himself. The middle-aged man occasionally pays a visit to his mother, but he no longer depends on her as he formerly did; instead, it is he who supports her. On the contrary, as the child of God grows up, he becomes so increasingly dependent on his Father that he no longer desires to do anything without Him, without His inspirations or His counsels. Then his whole life is bathed in prayer; he has obtained the best part, which will not be taken away from him. He understands that he must pray always.

-- Fr. Reginald Garrigou-LaGrange, The Three Ages of the Interior Life

Bookshelves

So here's why not to buy cheap particle board bookshelves:

 

When I bought these, some years ago, I really didn't have any other option: real wood ones were quite expensive, and for the number of books that I own the cost would have been prohibitive. So when this happened the other day, I looked around but still, didn't want to spend what they're asking for them. But unlike back then, now I've got tools and space to work in. So....

It's not exactly fine furniture, but it looks alright and it holds my books.

Favor and Gratitude

I would like to publicly acknowledge the graces God has granted me in recent times, and thank Him. 

Firstly, we are living in a time when many have been ruined, financially, and most are at least struggling to maintain their former prosperity. But the Lord has preserved me, even blessed me during this time. I am thankful for the fact that my income has been uninterrupted and that, a few relatively minor inconveniences aside, this thing has really not affected me at all. In fact, I've kind of profited from it: the price of gas during my journey back across the country was fantastic, I got a good price on my new house (which, from my having looked into log home construction before, probably cost substantially more to build than I paid for it), and the RV market has skyrocketed due to unavailability, so I'm selling my camper for almost exactly what I paid for it. This isn't gloating: it's gratitude. 

Secondly, it seems that the tide of my life has changed, from almost nothing ever going right, to almost everything always going right. Things are just working out for me, at last. From major life factors to minor details, it seems that I am finally out from under the cloud that has always followed and overshadowed me. A few examples:

I've always dreamed of owning a log home. And of living in the wilderness, in a place where I can grow a garden, hunt, fish, cut wood, and be self-sufficient. When I started looking for a new place while still in California, I was a bit desperate, and thinking I was going to have to settle for something a good deal less than ideal. But then I just happened on this, and it's closer to my dream than I'd dared to hope.

My new house has terrible plumbing, and needed several things done before I could even live here comfortably. I've always tried to avoid working on plumbing and electric, because things can go so wrong if you don't know what you're doing. But it just so happened that my son, who's been working in plumbing while he tries to transition from the Army to some other rewarding career, came to Virginia to visit just after I moved in, and was able to come up here and get a substantial part of the work done (for free).

I always longed, from the time I was a boy, for a real, romantic, passionate love affair. But never had it. The kind of thing you see in the movies. For a woman to want to just lie with me, run her fingers over me, hold me, kiss me. To talk for hours, laugh, cry, go on romantic getaways, enjoy just sitting on the porch looking at the sunset. Granted. At last.

I used to joke, after my divorce, that what I wanted to find was a gorgeous, passionate, loving Italian woman (after 17 years with a cold and cruel German) who loved taking care of me, would cook me homemade pasta, didn't care about my weight (it seemed I had seen many gorgeous Italian women with big men), and generally give me all the love, affection, and tenderness I'd always been lacking in my marriage (and life). Also granted. At least for a time. But I choose to see it as the fruits on Perelandra.

When I was first starting out in life, married with children and almost desperately poor, we used to look at the Sears catalogue and dream about having a nice home, with nice things in it. One of the things I dreamed of was a Craftsman garden tractor, with all the attachments to take care of my garden and land, but it was prohibitively expensive. When I went out looking for one after buying this place, I wasn't thinking about that, nor looking for Craftsman. But I just happened to come across a great deal on exactly that--got the tractor for $750 (around $3500 new) and a snow blower for $300 (around $1700 new). 

Another thing I used to admire in that catalogue was the solid oak bedroom furniture. And the other day, I was driving home past the Salvation Army store in Staunton, and something moved me to go in. I'd been looking for a few pieces of furniture, most importantly a dresser and a hutch or cupboard, so I could finish unpacking and have someplace to put my things away, but no luck. But that day, I walked in and there was a 3-piece bedroom set, cheap, so I bought it. I got home and looked, and it turned out to be solid oak. I looked up the name online, and it just so happens to be from around 1985, the exact time when I used to look at those catalogues and long. It may well be the very set.

Then, yesterday, I was out looking again, and found two other pieces I needed. After coming out with the first one, I got in my truck and said, "Okay, Lord, now I need a china cabinet." The next place I went into had a solid oak, Amish-crafted hutch for $400--about 1/4 to 1/10th of what it would normally cost new. Also, when I was putting my old furniture together, my tv stand was missing one of the little inserty-thingys to hold up the shelf, and it was an odd one: the other ones I had in my spare hardware can didn't fit. So I was walking around in an antique/junk store, opened up the door to a hutch, and found a bunch of what I exactly needed. And the guy just gave one to me.

These last are little details, but I include them to show that God cares about even the little things--even our hairs are numbered. The point here is that it seems like He is pulling things out of my past--things that I had forgotten about, and saying, "See, I pay attention to even these little things. I will give you the desires of your heart."

These are just a few samples. These things just keep happening now, whereas before it always seemed like everything went wrong. Not that things don't still sometimes go wrong--they do, and I still have things to feel anxious about. But it seems like now in the end it all works out. Something in my life has changed, and I believe that thing is God's favor--I am blessed. So, one last time, Thank You.

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honor him.

With long life will I satisfy him, and show him my salvation.

                                                                -- Psalm 91