Same Old Lang Syne

 

Christendom College

Remember how much trouble I had trying to get back into grad school before? How they didn't want me because of the injustice that was done to me at my last grad school? And that led to another heartbreak and disappointment, which led to me becoming Catholic, which led to me encountering you-know-who again, which led to the journey I went on last year.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I was considering enrolling at this one up in Front Royal. But I've been wrestling with...well, let's be honest...fear. Fear of another rejection, etc. I had called and had a nice chat with the very nice lady in admissions, but then hesitated and balked when I got the materials and started thinking about letters of reference, etc., fearing the exact same thing that happened before. Also, there's the issue of finance, which is pretty tight for me right now as I've mentioned. I could get private student loans (they don't take federal aid so as to avoid the insane and pagan impositions it brings with it), but I really don't want to add any more debt right now.

But a few days ago I had some thoughts on the matter and called her back, and she was very kind again, and understanding. I said, look, I've been living a solitary life for a number of years now, and going through an extended dark night of the soul (which, being Catholic, they know exactly what I mean), left grad school under rather heartbreaking circumstances, haven't worked in 15 years, undergrad was so long ago I've lost touch with everyone there, left my protestant church under heartbreaking circumstances as well, only became Catholic last year then left the area immediately afterward, haven't established a new pastoral relationship due to the current weird circumstances of the world and my own life, and to be completely honest, don't even really have any friends to ask. Contrary to Wheaton, who began to clear their throats and look away uncomfortably at this point in the conversation, she said, sure, I understand completely, it's no problem. Enroll as a casual student, take a few courses, then our professors can recommend you for full admission. Which is exactly the idea I had come up with before I called her.

The thing is, I'd been praying since making that initial contact, "Lord, if this is the right direction for me, make a way for me to get in and start doing it." So, once again....

The plan is to start out taking one course at a time, at first just auditing, which is at a substantially reduced rate. I can later go back and retroactively pay the difference to get credit for it. I had been thinking to start with my language courses, but they can't be audited, so I think for the first semester I'm going to take the intro to theology, which doesn't count toward the degree requirements anyway...I don't know if I can in the end just leave it as an audit. But either way, it's a way to get my foot in the door, and most importantly, a way to find something productive to focus on and do with my time. Of course it will take longer this way, but it would take even longer to not get started at all. And besides, what's my hurry? I've got the rest of my life...it's not like I need to get graduated and start a career. 

I'm going to dual major in Systematic and Mystical Theology, and add a language focus in Greek and Latin. They're heavy into Thomistic theology there, which I think is a perfect foundation, since it's the foundation of Western civilization. I would kind of like to branch out later in some other areas--I may continue into doctoral study afterward--and explore both Orthodox and Protestant theologies. Or I may work on the Protestant concurrently--the Anglican church in Waynesboro has its own little internal seminary, and the presiding bishop is very Protestant-leaning, and very learned, having been educated at a very good school in England. He's actually a bit too Protestant for my taste as far as being a full parishioner (although the parish I attended in Tucson was much more Anglo-Catholic, which he allows). But it will be good for looking at the other side of the equation.

"But wait, aren't you Catholic now?" 

Yes. But I'm much more devoted to being catholic than to being Catholic, if you take my meaning. Although I joined the Catholic church, I don't actually share in its full view of its own authority and infallibility (although I may neglect to mention that at Christendom). My view of the Catholic church is closer to the Orthodox's view of it, or that of the Anglo-Catholics, than its own view of itself. That is, unlike the full Protestant position, I don't believe that the Roman church is apostate, or antichrist, or any of that nonsense; and unlike the full Catholic view, I don't believe that the Roman church is the true and only church, or that it has never been wrong or made an error. "Extra Ecclesium nulla salus." Nonsense. Unless you interpret it in a very liberal way, which has become more in vogue since Vatican II. 

Anyway, what I really am, way deep down, unshakably and immutably, is a Mere Christian. I hate to violate 1 Corinthians 3 by saying "I am of Lewis" but his exposition of what is truly essential in Christianity shaped the course of my spiritual life. I'll beg the excuse that I don't actually agree with him on all points of his theology to say that I am not fully a "Lewisian". 

What I really like about the school, catholicity or otherwise aside, is its conservatism and orthodoxy. They've so dedicated themselves to the traditional paradigm that I feel totally comfortable and safe from any of the modernist, pseudo-marxist polemic which has been the bane of my life. 

So what am I going to do with it? Not sure yet. I may, as I mentioned, go on to a Ph.D. afterward. I may get involved in catechesis or religious education in the parish. I may even go back to teaching. If nothing else, it will help immensely in the non-fiction side of my writing (well, and perhaps in the fiction side too).

But, back to the point: I asked God for a direction and a way to get there, and he gave it. Thanks be to God.