A Message from Beyond the Grave

I thought I had lost this. Adina wrote it to me, several years ago. I've been wishing I could recover it since she passed, not remembering that I'd posted it here.

"You know, when I was pregnant I always prayed that I could show them the magic in the world that you showed me. No one in the world has hope anymore. They criticize people who hope for anything better. But you've always hoped.
You've been so important in my life.. I know you don't think I listen to you, but I do. I remember everything you've told me. Like when mom left us at the restaurant and we walked home holding hands. Or when you told me every time you sleep with someone you lose a piece of your soul. I remember the important stuff you say. Or when you stop to move a kitty out of the road.
I always try to help people because I always saw you doing it. I think about it all the time. Just yesterday I thought about how you bought a little girl a teddy bear on valentine's day because her mom couldn't afford it, when we were in line behind them getting candy.
I wouldn't know how to be kind without you. But you made a difference. You made me, you passed on how you care. All I hope is that the girls love me the way I love you."

Here's what it really is, Sweetie. Here's what I was showing you, what I was teaching you. Here's who I was showing you. As you know now, better than I do now, because you are with Him.

I wrote this, some years ago, and re-discovered it this morning. It seems just the right thing, for this moment. I have inspired myself. Today, I am my favorite writer.

Daring to Believe

I've been considering myself and my life, partly in light of what my daughter wrote to me the other day, and also that someone else that same day, very kindly, said to me, "You're my hero, Mike. Not sarcasm." But mostly, I've been thinking about how hard it's been to relate to the rest of the world and most of the people in it. And wondering, "Why?"

And I think that it's because I actually believe. That is, I Believe. I believe the things that most people just wish were true, or wish that they dared to wish were true. The things that fill books, movies, poems, songs, and plays, but that aren't part of most people's daily lives: destiny, true love, heroism, altruism, beauty, truth, virtue, the music of the spheres, angels and demons, powers and principalities, and the things of the spirit. I believe them enough to actually try and live my life by them. And that makes people uncomfortable--scares them, even.

It's not enough for me to just read books about how heroes persevere, or how saints sacrifice, or how the pure in heart find true love. I mean to live it, to the absolute best of my ability and the utmost of my strength. Moses did not create God, nor did Paul create Jesus. Homer did not invent heroism, and Ovid not make up true love. They are real, for those with the courage to reach out and take hold of them--and those are the ones about whom the stories are told to the timid and the weak, who think they are just fairy tales. I don't want to be one of the small-minded inhabitants of the Shire who think there are no such things as dragons or dark lords--I don't want to be a Dursley. I want to be one of the ones who visits elves, fights goblins, talks to dragons, and travels with dwarves. Even if that means I end up being roasted by dragon fire or dragged away into dark chasms that open at the back of caves. So be it.

And so, I guess that makes me "dangerous" and "cracked". But that's ok--because I know what I've seen, and I know that it's real. I can't prove it to you, without you having been there. But I know. I have my moments, in which I struggle with doubt. But so does the hero of every story. (Bilbo wished he was back in his nice Hobbit-hole--not for the last time!)

Did you ever notice that, in the Bible, the cowardly and unbelieving are listed alongside perverts, liars, sorcerers, and murderers as being unworthy to enter the kingdom? Try Rev 21:8, for instance. Think about it. What is the one thing Jesus praised most in the Gospels, and what is the one thing he condemned most harshly and frequently? The answers are faith and unbelief, in case you don't know. And faith is not the intellectual assent to a correct set of beliefs, as so many denominations would have you believe. The Pharisees had correct doctrinal beliefs. So does the Devil (James 2:19). The kind of faith Jesus praises is the kind that leads to action and changed life.

So this is how I will live, or I will not live at all. I tried compromising with practical mediocrity, for a large chunk of my life, and I simply won't do it again. It's Truth or nothing for me. Beauty or nothing. Love or nothing. I choose to believe, and if I'm wrong, I've lashed myself to the mast and I'm going down with the ship.

“Then in the name of Aslan,” said Queen Susan, “if ye will all have it so, let us go on and take the adventure that shall fall to us.”

"Nothing now remains for us seven but to go back to Stable Hill, proclaim the truth, and take the adventure that Aslan sends us."

"I was going to say I wished we'd never come. But I don't, I don't, I don't. Even if we are killed. I'd rather be killed fighting for Narnia than grow old and stupid at home and perhaps go about in a Bath chair and then die in the end just the same."

-- C.S. Lewis, from The Chronicles of Narnia

"Love, to be real, must hurt."

"Jesus, in order to give us the proof of His love, died on the cross.

  A mother, in order to give birth to her baby, has to suffer.

  If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices."

-- Mother Theresa

Free Will and the Will of God

One often hears people wondering about whether all is predestined and if so, how our choices matter; or, if there is no destiny, and everything lies in our choice, to "make our own destiny". And then, how does the Plan of God fit into all this?

In fact, both are true--both free will and predestination. God does have a plan for each of us. Yet, every decision each of us makes matters. And affects not only ourselves, but those in our lives, which in turn affects those in their lives, with the quantum ripples resonating throughout the history of the universe.

So how can this be? Does God have a perfect plan, and then backup plans for if we make the wrong choice? Maybe. Certainly it wasn't his desire for us to suffer all the evil that we do--he wishes us only good. But it doesn't really matter, because he knew every choice each of us was going to make before he ever spoke the Big Bang into being. So, in a way, that is the only plan--that which actually happens. And so, it is his perfect plan, because in the end, it will all work out. He created us knowing all the evil we would do, and chose to create us anyway, because apparently he thought it would still be worth it. His perfect plan was for us to have free will, to choose our own way.

Think of God as a weaver, and the history of the universe as a great tapestry. Each choice made by every creature with free will--every man, woman, child, angel, power, principality, throne, dominion, and whatever other creatures there are in the universe, is a thread. And he takes those threads and weaves them into the tapestry of his plan, in a way that only he can see right now, because only he has the perspective. Have you ever seen the back of a tapestry, embroidery, or needlepoint? It's a big mess. That's what we see right now--just the cross-stitches and knots. And furthermore, we can only see our little portion of it, and that immediately adjacent. But he beholds the whole, from start to finish, and says, "It is good." And one day, he will show it to us, and we will agree, "It is good."

I didn't keep you 

to say goodbye

I held you near

and waited to see

where our love would go

and if it would grow

until I could say to you

You are the One

I choose You

Only

Always

Above all

For until I can say these things

honestly

truly

unreservedly

wholeheartedly

I cannot say

I will

I do

These are sacred and solemn vows

Taken before the King

and Creator of the Universe

I dare not make them lightly

frivolously

dishonestly

or in bad faith

to Him, or to you

Honor

Integrity

Faithfulness

Truth

These are as important as Love

For without them

Love is just a feeling

subject to change

without them, words are meaningless

promises are empty

trust is vain

You once called me

The Perfect Knight

and so I am: a knight

though not so perfect

The difference between 

a knight and a warrior

is service and sacrifice

The warrior serves himself

takes what he wants

by force

The knight serves another

a higher purpose

an unbreakable code

a King

The knight sacrifices

his own will and desires

for the good of others

for the sake of justice

for the sake of mercy

for the sake of truth

to do what is right--

not what is expedient

The true knight would rather lose everything

give up what he loves and desires most

than intentionally and knowingly do wrong

injuring another--especially a lady

for his own pleasure and gain

And even knights get lost, sometimes

wandering the wilderness

in grief and madness

until the holy man...or holy woman

the messenger of God

comes to them and heals them

and helps them find their way

 

The trouble is that I am a romantic, and a mystic. These things do not sit well in the modern world. 

Many moderns would say that they are romantics, but that is because they do not understand the term. They think it means that they like romantic comedy movies, and believe that marriage should be for love.

But the true romantic doesn't just believe in love. The true romantic believes in transcendent love. Metaphysical love. Divine love.

And a mystic is someone who believes that you can actually Know God. That you can experience God. That you can live in Him. That you can know Divine Love.

And that's where romanticism and mysticism meet--at Divine Love. The Divine Love between husband and wife is the same as the Divine Love between God and Man, Yahweh and Israel, Jesus and the Church. And for the mystical romantic...for me...nothing else will do.

Here are a couple of examples of what happens when I don't heed the revelations that God sends me:

Several years ago, in my old house, I had been working in the garden all day. In bed that night, as I was falling asleep, I had a vision of the faucet in the garage running and flowing over. I thought, "No, I definitely turned it off," and rolled over and went to sleep. The next morning I got up, went out, and found my garage flooded and the faucet running, exactly as I had seen.

When I came back last year, I felt led to start investing in the stock market. I did, and made some money. A few months ago, I sold a particular stock at a moderate profit, then that night, or rather the next morning, I had a dream that I should buy it back, and heard that if I didn't, I would miss the biggest bubble in history. So I bought it back. Then it plummeted, and stayed down for a long time. I lost faith, as part of this whole struggle I've been going through, and when it got back up to a point a little above where I'd re-purchased it, I sold it again. Then it went through the roof--over another hundred dollars per share over where I sold it, and still rising--in other words, "the biggest bubble in history," at least in the history of this stock. 

These are relatively minor things--especially the flooded garage. But what holds true of the small holds true of the great. The money I lost (or rather didn't make) by not following the Instruction I had received about the stock is less valuable than the lesson I learned to hear and obey the Voice of God when it comes to me.

I've told you several times about when He spoke to me to put my seatbelt on, just before my brakes went out on that mountainside in West Virginia. What would have happened if I hadn't obeyed? I would either have died, or been much more seriously injured than I was--something truly awful, like paraplegic, or brain-damaged, or worse. When the state trooper came into the hospital, he said, "There was only one place inside that truck where a human being could have existed, and that's where you were sitting." That was a literal truth and a metaphor: You have to be in God's will to receive His blessing and protection. Disobedience and sin puts you outside of both. It's not that He is angry and punishing you, it's that He withdraws His Hand from you, like He did with the Israelites when they disobeyed. And when He withdraws His Hand, then you are back under the governance of the god of this world, who hates you. And THAT is when things really start to go wrong.

I needed some joy, so I went to Edelweiss. After a couple of hefe weizens, I composed a traditional German masterpiece.

(to the tune of a beer tent oompah band) 

Schnitzel und strudel und kafe und bier

Das.. ist...was...gefellt...uns hier

Ich mochte mein schnitzel 

und ich mochte mein bier!

Und wenn du willst nicht

du bist ein tier

 

Feels good to be back home again. 

 

Here's the thing: when you've really met Him; when you've truly felt His Presence; when you've had that genuine religious experience, then there's no longer any doubt about what is ultimately Real and what is not. You Just Know. You've encountered Something More Real than reality itself. Like when people come back from death, and are asked if they think it was a hallucination--they laugh, and say, "No, it was the most real thing I've ever experienced: more real than you and I sitting here." It's like...it's like, if you've ever lived through a tornado or a hurricane; and you're in a windy place, and someone nervous says, "Is this that?" And you laugh, and say, "No. If it was that, you'd know." Because there's just no mistaking the power.

The problem is, He doesn't always show Himself in such power, or speak so clearly. He uses soft, almost inaudible whispers, vague hints, subtle signs. Why? I don't know. Probably because He wants us to grow up and learn to make our own decisions--to choose to do the right and prudent thing without being told. Or maybe because He wants us to try harder and harder to seek Him, so He keeps hiding Himself more and more. "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. To search out a matter is the glory of kings." (Prov 25:2) Or maybe it's mercy, because He knows we're going to mess up, and the more clearly He speaks, the more accountable we are for disobedience. Or maybe it's for some other ineffable reason which we won't understand until we get There.

I've tried it both ways. I tried for years...most of my early adulthood...to live as most Western Christians do--in a sort of pseudo-deistic universe, where He is there, but remote and withdrawn. The clockmaker, who made and wound up the clock, and then let it run on its own. Even though I had had some of those encounters, early on. I rationalized them, even became dismissive to myself of them. It's pretty easy to lie to yourself. 

But in my late 30s, when my life had completely bottomed out, I came back. I sought Him again, and He let Himself be found by me. And the encounters became more and more powerful, more and more clear, more and more real, until absolutely all room for doubt or excuse was gone. You who have been reading this blog for some time have been with me on much of that journey--after all, it's been almost ten years since I started it. So now, not only is there absolutely zero doubt in my mind that at least some of the things I have experienced were absolutely real and absolutely Him; but there is no license for me to do so. He has revealed Himself to me so clearly, that to turn away now would be a very, very serious mortal sin--perhaps the Unforgivable Sin. 

"For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame." -- Heb 6:4-6

So, the problem is, about some of it, I am absolutely, positively, totally, completely, 100% sure. That it was real, that it was Him. But about much of it, I am not. Some of it, I'm very sure, but open to being shown that I'm mistaken--but it would take some convincing. Some of it I'm less sure of, but I think probably it was. Some I'm not sure of at all, but I think "maybe," so I try to figure it out before acting, because I don't want to miss it if it was Him. Sometimes He doesn't speak, but leaves me to make my own decision, and I do the best I can with the information I have. The part about which I am completely sure forms a smallish percentage, as far as practical life decisions go--most of it is more theological than practical. So I do my best to navigate the revelation I have received, the revelation I think I have received, the revelation I think I may have received, the revelation I have not received, the situation and evidence before my eyes, and my own judgment, feelings, desires, wishes, thoughts, fears, and dysfunctions. It's not easy. It's a mess. I get it wrong. I screw it up. But I keep trying, because NOTHING and NO ONE is more important to me than Him, and my relationship with Him. Because I have literally, truly, actually met Him, and He Is All. Accept that about me, or don't be in my life. 

If your belief system doesn't allow for that, then okay. Believe whatever you want. Believe that I am delusional, or self-deceived, or suffering hallucinations. And I will continue to believe that you are tragically mistaken, and that if you don't get right with Him, you will end up in Hell. But I won't patronize, condescend to, or insult you about it, and I would thank you to afford me the same respect. If you can't do that, then again, don't be in my life. One day, one way or another, you, too, are going to find out just how real He is. And then you will understand.

"And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God." -- John 20:28

Move-out is accomplished. Thank God. Money is in the bank. I'm staying in one of those extended stay places in Waynesboro for six weeks, until my apartment, which is also in Waynesboro, is ready for me to move in. Apartment living is not ideal, but there's just nothing for sale right now, and what there is is seriously overpriced. I'm thinking that as the word gets out about prices being so high, more and more people will decide to sell their houses, which will eventually drive prices back down. And then I'll buy again. 

In the meantime, the good thing about renting is that you don't have to worry about anything--maintenance, upkeep, mowing the lawn. Beginning tomorrow I'm going to start hitting the trail two or three times a week again, and join a gym to start lifting and stretching. Moving out has actually gotten me started on that road--pushed me over the hump of inactivity I'd been stuck behind since summer before last, and gotten my body used to being active again. I've contacted my therapist about seeing her again, and have been taking my medication for a few weeks now. I'm feeling...well, better than before, if not what I would call "better". Less horrible, at least. 

"The right way to wholeness is made up, unfortunately, of fateful detours and wrong turnings."

 -- Carl Jung

Faith and Folly

Trust in God is not a delusion: it is faith, one of the three theological virtues. 

"And now abide faith, hope, and charity, these three. But the greatest of these is charity." -- 1Cor 13:13

Following God, especially following His actual Voice--living a life in communion with and obedience to Him, is foolishness bordering on insanity to those who don't believe. Men have come up with system after system to get around this--always some variant of "He gave us a Book of Rules: we just have to use our own minds to understand and follow them." But that is not following God. Jesus made this clear in his dealings with the Pharisees, who taught just exactly that. And those who say "I follow the Bible," but don't practice listening to the Spirit, are not actually following the Bible at all--because the Bible says that we have to listen to the Spirit. I've addressed this before, here.

If you're traveling in unknown country, you can use a map, or you can follow a guide. Or, the best thing to do is to have both--the map, and the guide to help you interpret and understand it...and to tell you things that aren't on the map, like that the bridge ahead was washed out last month. Being a follower of Christ means you are living in a world that is not your home, trying to find your way back. The map is the Bible, but the guide is the Holy Spirit. And since He was the ultimate author of the Bible, we do well to heed Him. 

This is not a perfect or infallible science. It's fraught with error, risk, and danger. One tries, and gets it wrong. Then, hopefully, one learns and gets it better the next time. Frankly, it's a mess. But it's how we grow up, spiritually. Just like growing up in the natural is a mess, filled with the foolishness of childhood and all the mistakes we make. 

But of course, this is all hocus pocus and voodoo to those who are spiritually dead, since to them, the spirit doesn't exist. 

"For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God.

For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.

Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom: But we preach Christ crucified, unto the Jews a stumblingblock, and unto the Greeks foolishness; But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God.

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: That no flesh should glory in his presence. But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord." -- 1 Cor 1:18-31

"Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.

And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain." 1 Cor 3:18-20

I walk a difficult path; the path of faith, and I always will--I will never walk any other. I am always ready to admit that I am capable of getting it wrong, and to acknowledge and apologize when I see that I have. But I will never agree that I am wrong, misguided, or delusional in choosing to live seeking and following His guidance to the best of my ability. If anyone wishes to walk with me, it will be this path and  no other. And if they are unable or unwilling, then we must go our separate ways.

Donnie Darko: Bullshit Conspiracy