The last piece of the puzzle of my mind has finally been put into place. My daughter, the therapist (who also has the benefit of having known me her whole life), actually put me on the right track. It's a high-functioning form of autism. Along the same lines as Asperger's. 

So, it sounds like a lot: ADD, Tourette's, and ASD (autism spectrum disorder), as it's called these days. But the thing is, there is a very high comorbidity rate between all three: they seem to be somehow related. Perhaps (this is purely speculation) they're all actually manifestations of some deeper neurological developmental disorder.

I've spent my whole life wondering what's wrong with me. But now it all makes perfect sense. It all fits. I can't describe what a relief that is. 

Of course, there's the thought, "What if someone had correctly identified and treated this when I was a child?" Maybe everything could have been different. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't have been able to do a lot of the things I've done (or at least attempted to do) if I'd had that label put on me at an early age.

But that doesn't really matter anymore. Nothing I can do about it anyway. What I can do, is start to take control of and order my life with a much clearer understanding of who I am and what I need. And maybe begin to free myself from this constant guilt and self-judgment over why I'm not "doing more" with my life. Really, I couldn't have. It's so clear now.

I had the first actual procedure in my back. It's supposed to take six to eight weeks to take full effect, but I'm already feeling an enormous degree of relief. Not only from the constant, incessant, unrelenting pain, but it turns out that my insomnia was also neurological. I never had it until just after my accident, and then ever since. But both after the test blocks, and now as the permanent one takes effect, it's just disappearing. Those damaged nerves must have been sending continual distress signals that triggered an anxiety response in my brain, and never let me sleep properly. I was going to say two birds with one stone, but it's more like two dragons. That's one hell of a stone.

And here's something I've been dreaming about my whole life--a wish that I never thought would come true. I've located (if the genealogy I found is correct), the castle which was my ancestral home. And it's still standing. It's in use as a wedding and event venue.

Or, rather, castles:

Apparently, they had...erm...huge...tracts of land in the area between the Rhone river and the Italian and Swiss borders, east and west, and between Marseille and Lyon, north and south. But I believe the first one was their real home, as they are for generations listed as having been born in Pereins.

So, here's my new plan:

1) Start hiking again, and get back in shape, as spring comes and my back hurts less, and the medications improve my emotional state.

2) Go back for more treatments, higher up in my neck and lower down in my back.

3) Keep working with my therapy and medications, and the new knowledge of what's actually the problem, to find ways to live.

4) Save some more money, so I don't have to spend everything I've got on numbers 5 and 6.

5) Go to France. Visit these castles. See where my ancestors lived, and where I came from. Also, while I'm nearby and doing medieval-themed things, visit Carcassone and Toulouse. 

6) Walk the Camino de Santiago. What I'd really like to do is start at the chateau on the top and walk to the Camino from there, as if I were going on a medieval pilgrimage from my home.

7) Meet a French or Spanish girl. 

8) Never come back.