"Nevertheless, not my will, but Thy will, be done." -- Jesus

"Pain is the fuel of passion--it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess." -- Rick Warren

Well that about sums up the last decade or so of my life.

"I pour out my complaint before him, and show him all my troubles. When my spirit is overwhelmed within me, You alone know my path." -- Psalm 142: 2-3

I'm still waiting and following up on the cancer thing. It's complicated, because it's the VA, and I'm traveling and away from my usual network.

The first doctor was sure it was cancer. The second one was confident it wasn't. The third one thinks probably not, but we're doing further tests to find out for certain. It'll be a couple of weeks, or maybe a month or two, before I really know.

My prayer is actually only that God's will be done. If he has an important purpose still for me to fulfill here, then okay. If not, I'm ready to go home. In fact, I'm fairly certain that if it is, I'm not going to seek treatment except for palliative care--pain management, that is. It will depend on the exact nature and stage, and some other factors. But I don't want to stay here badly enough to go through chemo and all that. They say that cancer survival is most likely in those with a strong will to fight to live, and I no longer have that.

If it is time for me to go, it's been a pretty good final year of my life. Traveling around the country with an unbelievably loving and sweet, stunningly beautiful young Italian girl, seeing wonderful and beautiful things, experiencing what it is to be loved, is really not a bad way to end one's life. Of course, a pall was cast over our time together by Adina's death. My grief and sadness, although mostly remaining beneath the surface, kept me from being as active and joyful in it all as I otherwise would have been--I didn't even realize how much (although she tried to tell me) until I was able to reflect on it in hindsight. But that's just another reason to be okay with going myself; outliving one's child means one will never truly be happy again.

Once a soul has been consumed

in the depths of God's love

and has tasted the sweet delight

of God's intellective graces,

it can no longer bear to stay frozen

in its own former condition

but is impelled to rise ever higher to the heavens.

The higher it ascends through the Spirit,

and the deeper it sinks into the abyss of God,

the more it is consumed by the fire of longing

and searches out the immensity

of the even deeper mysteries of God,

strenuously trying to come into that blessed light,

where every intellect is caught up into ecstasy,

where the heart knows it can finally rest

from all its strivings

and find its rest in joy.

-- Niketas Stethatos

I Shall Be Released

"When you become aware of the increasing fire

of your love for God and inner faith in him,

then you should realize

that you are bringing Christ to birth

within your soul.

It is He who is lifting your soul

high above its earthly and visible limitations

and preparing a dwelling place for it in the heavens.

When you experience your heart filled with joy

and consumed with yearning for God's ineffable blessings,

then know that the divine Spirit

is working within you.

When you feel your intellect filled with ineffable light

and spiritual understandings of transcendent wisdom,

then recognize that the Paraclete

is actively present in your soul,

uncovering the treasures of the Kingdom of Heaven

that lie hidden within it."

-- Niketas Stethatos

The Year in Reflection

I became Catholic.

I sold my house.

I said goodbye to my cat.

I met a girl.

For the first time in my life, I experienced love.

My daughter died.

I went...everywhere. And saw everything.

I parted with a girl.

I may have cancer.

Grand Canyon and the End

Sweet Carolina and I have decided to part ways. This is something we both recognized needed to happen, and we parted well, although I will not say without grief or pain. We parted better than I have ever known a couple to do so, with many tender words, with holding each other and tears, with one last beautiful time of affection and intimacy.

There is significant sorrow and sadness for me--after all, she is the only woman who has ever truly given me her love. I love her deeply and miss her terribly, but I know that this is the way it has to be, and so I send her on her way in life with all the blessings, love, and best wishes I can give her. And with this:

It is Over

I wasn't able to say you a proper goodbye

Standing in the parking lot

amidst the bustle of the Christmas shoppers

trying to restrain my tears

So here are the things I was feeling

the things I should have said

You are the only true love affair I've ever had

I've been in love before

and women have loved me

but never mutually, and simultaneously

I wrote once, on a wish list, on a darkened street,

in a town where my heart had been broken

which asked, "What is the one thing you would ask for before you die?"

My reply, "To love someone, and to be loved by her, at the same time."

And you have made that wish come true

I never imagined it would be with someone so beautiful

so giving

so generous with herself and her love

so open with her heart and her soul

so completely vulnerable

I never imagined that someone could love me so completely

accept me so unconditionally

heal me so profoundly

I never imagined it would be with someone so silly

so messy

so fun

so vibrant

I will miss your silly socks and your llama pajamas

Your messy cupcakes and oreo milkshakes

I will miss the way your eyes light up,

when you find something interesting

your excitement

your enthusiasm

I will miss your company,

your gentle presence by my side

I will miss your tender touch;

this most of all

and all the affection you gave me

so unreservedly

No, not this: most of all, I will miss your heart

which you gave me so totally

and which deserved so much more

than I was able to give it in return 

And I truly
Will always love you