St. John of the Cross on the Dark Night of the Soul

"When this Divine contemplation assails the soul with a certain force, in order to strengthen and subdue it, it suffers such pain in its weakness that it nearly swoons away...for sense and spirit, as if beneath some imnense and dark load, are in such great pain and agony that the soul would find advantage and relief in death."

"My own dark time, as I call it, the time of my loneliness, was most of my life, as I have said, and I can't make any account of myself without speaking of it. The time passed so strangely, as if every winter was the same winter, and every spring the same spring."

Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

Noodle Salad

40

40 I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.

2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

3 And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord.

4 Blessed is that man that maketh the Lord his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.

5 Many, O Lord my God, are thy wonderful works which thou hast done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward: they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee: if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered.

6 Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened: burnt offering and sin offering hast thou not required.

7 Then said I, Lo, I come: in the volume of the book it is written of me,

8 I delight to do thy will, O my God: yea, thy law is within my heart.

9 I have preached righteousness in the great congregation: lo, I have not refrained my lips, O Lord, thou knowest.

10 I have not hid thy righteousness within my heart; I have declared thy faithfulness and thy salvation: I have not concealed thy lovingkindness and thy truth from the great congregation.

11 Withhold not thou thy tender mercies from me, O Lord: let thy lovingkindness and thy truth continually preserve me.

12 For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me.

13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me: O Lord, make haste to help me.

14 Let them be ashamed and confounded together that seek after my soul to destroy it; let them be driven backward and put to shame that wish me evil.

15 Let them be desolate for a reward of their shame that say unto me, Aha, aha.

16 Let all those that seek thee rejoice and be glad in thee: let such as love thy salvation say continually, The Lord be magnified.

17 But I am poor and needy; yet the Lord thinketh upon me: thou art my help and my deliverer; make no tarrying, O my God.

Psalm 107

"O that men would therefore praise the Lord for his goodness, and declare the wonders that he doeth for the children of men. For he satisfieth the empty soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness. Such as sit in darkness, and in the shadow of death, being fast bound in misery and iron, because they rebelled against the words of the Lord, and lightly regarded the counsel of the Most Highest. He also brought down their heart through heaviness: they fell down, and there was none to help them. So when they cried unto the Lord in their trouble, he delivered them out of their distress. For he brought them out of darkness, and out of the shadow of death, and brake their bonds in sunder."

A Note on my Poetry

The poems I post here shouldn't necessarily be taken to reflect the current state of my heart. I wrote them at different times and in various conditions: some are recent, some are from years ago.

Craving Grace like Chocolate

I don't just plug for the books of everyone I know who's an author. But I believe enough in Ruthie Delk's (whom you can see below, in my post "Orlando") book, Craving Grace, to recommend it to anyone who needs a refreshing new look at the Gospel, or a reminder of the joy of their new faith which has faded with time. It's written and marketed for women, and is apparently very popular and effective with them, as Ruthie now spends most of her time giving lectures and seminars to women's groups around the country and overseas. But I found it very beneficial and encouraging as well and I, as you may have noticed, am not a woman.

Craving Grace: Experience the Richness of the Gospel: Ruthie Delk: 9780802411242: Amazon.com: Books

It is now in its second edition. The original title was Craving Grace like Chocolate, which Ruthie and I agree was much better (especially for a book targeted to women), but Moody Press didn't think so.

For my First Love

I never touched you

But you touched me

Our eyes met with a look that I still feel

across all the years and miles

And that has walked with me

on all the lonely paths of my life

I never touched you

But you sent me Oscar de la Renta-scented letters

I can still smell them when I close my eyes:

lilac-blue three-by-five cards with ruled lines

but nothing written...just the scent of your love

I couldn't touch you

We were so young. Romeo and Juliet young

But there was more between us than just three little years

I was a boy in a man's mantle

My world was combat loads and early morning alerts

and Russians

So many Russians

Millions of them, waiting to kill me for Lenin, Marx, and Motherland

And my world was hard machines

and hard men

and hard drink

I couldn't even vote yet; but I had another contribution to make

One that would take about eighteen seconds

once the balloon went up

according to the bean counters

And so I couldn't hold you

You were too good for me

too beautiful

too sweet

too innocent

to right

I turned away

and turned you away

and I have felt the pain of it every single day of my life

from that day to this

For on this day I've found you again

and my hardened husk of a heart has finally been healed

I still cannot touch you

still cannot hold you

The sacred bonds cannot be broken

To try would be a black and heinous sin

not only against the only One I love more than you,

but against the very love I bear you

It would change my love: pervert it

twist it into something unrecognizable;

ugly and abortive

And so it is enough just to know you again

Your words are life and nourishment to my heart

Although the notes we send now cannot bear the scent of perfume

Do you know that I still love you?

Does it matter?

Perhaps I'll buy some three-by-five cards

and a bottle of Oscar de la Rente

-- M.S. du Pré

"I loved that woman like a second mother. I loved her to the point of tears."

-- Marilynne Robinson, Gilead

André Rieu - And The Waltz Goes On (composed by Anthony Hopkins)

Who knew he was a composer too? And not a bad one at that. There's something magical about a waltz, isn't there? So heartwarming to see good art going on out there amidst the interminable dross.

“Living by faith includes the call to something greater than cowardly self-preservation.” -- J.R.R. Tolkien

"He who learns must suffer, and, even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God." -- Aeschylus

"There are some things that it is better to begin than to refuse, even though the end may be dark." -- J.R.R. Tolkien

For an Unnamed Lady

I love you in your mystery

For all you are, and all you might be

Lasting love, it is said,

Can only come of Knowledge

and I cannot deny that it is so

But what lover knows his Beloved perfectly?

Woman is mystery

the incarnation of Holy Mystery

which must be loved in its obscurity

Wrapped in darkness, only revealing glimpses of itself

to longing and adoring eyes

Must a man taste every vintage

to know that wine is good?

Or cannot he accept that he will,

on occasion,

taste vinegar and gall,

and still love wine for all its variety,

and even love the mystery itself;

never knowing what surprises each new glass will bring?

Or how long must a man walk in Faerie

to know that he prefers it

to every place he's ever been,

or shall be?

Must he seek out all its dark corners,

uncover all its secrets

fight all its monsters

before he can say he loves it?

For in Faerie is darkness

as well as light

Elven song and the stench of trolls

Modest maids and devouring dragons

But can he not, having seen that this is so,

declare that here he will make his home--

taking the evil with the good,

the hideous with the fair?

And had he not rather die in the realm of light and shadows,

than live a thousand years in the grey land of men?

Thus I love you.

I know that you have faults;

some I see, some are undiscovered

But to me, they are not faults: they are imperfect perfections

I love your good, I love your bad
because I am bad, and good;

Your virtue and your vice,

Your beauty and your blemishes,

your sanctity and your sin

I do not know you yet--not all of you

it is true

But I know that all I wish to know is you

-- M.S. du Pré