For my First Love

I never touched you

But you touched me

Our eyes met with a look that I still feel

across all the years and miles

And that has walked with me

on all the lonely paths of my life

I never touched you

But you sent me Oscar de la Renta-scented letters

I can still smell them when I close my eyes:

lilac-blue three-by-five cards with ruled lines

but nothing written...just the scent of your love

I couldn't touch you

We were so young. Romeo and Juliet young

But there was more between us than just three little years

I was a boy in a man's mantle

My world was combat loads and early morning alerts

and Russians

So many Russians

Millions of them, waiting to kill me for Lenin, Marx, and Motherland

And my world was hard machines

and hard men

and hard drink

I couldn't even vote yet; but I had another contribution to make

One that would take about eighteen seconds

once the balloon went up

according to the bean counters

And so I couldn't hold you

You were too good for me

too beautiful

too sweet

too innocent

to right

I turned away

and turned you away

and I have felt the pain of it every single day of my life

from that day to this

For on this day I've found you again

and my hardened husk of a heart has finally been healed

I still cannot touch you

still cannot hold you

The sacred bonds cannot be broken

To try would be a black and heinous sin

not only against the only One I love more than you,

but against the very love I bear you

It would change my love: pervert it

twist it into something unrecognizable;

ugly and abortive

And so it is enough just to know you again

Your words are life and nourishment to my heart

Although the notes we send now cannot bear the scent of perfume

Do you know that I still love you?

Does it matter?

Perhaps I'll buy some three-by-five cards

and a bottle of Oscar de la Rente

-- M.S. du Pré