Goodbye to the hardest year of my life. God, I hope the next one is better. Don't know if I'll make it through another like this, to be honest.

C.S. Lewis on Holy Romantic Love

I had forgotten about this bit of Lewis until I re-read it just now in That Hideous Strength.

How could she have thought him young? Or old either? It came over her, with a sensation of quick fear, that this face was of no age at all. She had (or so she had believed) disliked bearded faces except for old men with white hair. But that was because she had long since forgotten the imagined Arthur of her childhood--and the imagined Solomon too. Solomon--for the first time in many years the bright solar blend of king and lover and magician which hangs about that name stole back upon her mind. For the first time in all those years she tasted the word King itself with all linked associations of battle, marriage, priesthood, mercy, and power. At that moment, as her eyes first rested on his face, Jane forgot who she was, and where, and her faint grudge against Grace Ironwood, and her more obscure grudge against Mark, and her childhood and her father's house. It was, of course, only for a flash. Next moment she was once more the ordinary social Jane, flushed and confused to find that she had been staring rudely (at least she hoped that rudeness would be the main impression produced) at a total stranger. But her world was unmade; she knew that. Anything might happen now...
..."And now," thought Jane, "it's coming--it's coming-it's coming now." All the most intolerable questions he might ask, all the most extravagant things he might make her do, flashed through her mind in a fatuous medley. For all power of resistance seemed to have been drained away from her and she was left without protection.

...She was so divided against herself that one might say there were three, if not four, Janes in the compartment.
The first was a Jane simply receptive of the Director, recalling every word and every look, and delighting in them--a Jane taken utterly off her guard, shaken out of the modest little outfit of contemporary ideas which had hitherto made her portion of wisdom, and swept away on the flood tide of an experience which she did not understand and could not control. For she was trying to control it; that was the function of the second Jane. This second Jane regarded the first with disgust, as the kind of woman, in fact, whom she had always particularly despised. Once, coming out of a cinema, she had heard a little shop girl say to her friend, "Oh, wasn't he lovely! If he'd looked at me the way he looked at her, I'd have followed him to the end of the world." A little, tawdry, made-up girl, sucking a peppermint. Whether the second Jane was right in equating the first Jane with that girl, may be questioned, but she did. And she found her intolerable. To have surrendered without terms at the mere voice and look of this stranger, to have abandoned (without noticing it) that prim little grasp on her own destiny, that perpetual reservation, which she thought essential to her status as a grown-up, integrated, intelligent person...the thing was utterly degrading, vulgar, uncivilised.
The third Jane was a new and unexpected visitant. Of the first there had been traces in girlhood, and the second was what Jane took to be her "real" or normal self. But the third one, this moral Jane, was one whose existence she had never suspected. Risen from some unknown region of grace or heredity, it uttered all sorts of things which Jane had often heard before but which had never, till that moment, seemed to be connected with real life. If it had simply told her that her feelings about the Director were wrong, she would not have been very surprised, and would have discounted it as the voice of tradition. But it did not. It kept on blaming her for not having similar feelings about Mark. It kept on pressing into her mind those new feelings about Mark, feelings of guilt and pity, which she had first experienced in the Director's room. It was Mark who had made the fatal mistake; she must, must, must be "nice" to Mark. The Director obviously insisted on it. At the very moment when her mind was most filled with another man there arose, clouded with some undefined emotion, a resolution to give Mark much more than she had ever given him before, and a feeling that in so doing she would be really giving it to the Director. And this produced in her such a confusion of sensations that the whole inner debate became indistinct and flowed over into the larger experience of the fourth Jane, who was Jane herself and dominated all the rest at every moment without effort and even without choice.
This fourth and supreme Jane was simply in the state of joy. The other three had no power upon her, for she was in the sphere of Jove, amid light and music and festal pomp, brimmed with life and radiant in health, jocund and clothed in shining garments. She thought scarcely at all of the curious sensations which had immediately preceded the Director's dismissal of her and made that dismissal almost a relief. When she tried to, it immediately led her thoughts back to the Director himself. Whatever she tried to think of led back to the Director himself and, in him, to joy. She saw from the windows of the train the outlined beams of sunlight pouring over stubble or burnished woods and felt that they were like the notes of a trumpet. Her eyes rested on the rabbits and cows as they flitted by and she embraced them in heart with merry, holiday love. She delighted in the occasional speech of the one wizened old man who shared her compartment and saw, as never before, the beauty of his shrewd and sunny old mind, sweet as a nut and English as a chalk down. She reflected with surprise how long it was since music had played any part in her life, and resolved to listen to many chorales by Bach on the gramophone that evening. Or else--perhaps--she would read a great many Shakespeare sonnets. She rejoiced also in her hunger and thirst and decided that she would make herself buttered toast for tea--a great deal of buttered toast. And she rejoiced also in the consciousness of her own beauty; for she had the sensation--it may have been false in fact, but it had nothing to do with vanity--that it was growing and expanding like a magic flower with every minute that passed. In such a mood it was only natural, after the old countryman had got out at Cure Hardy, to stand up and look at herself in the mirror which confronted her on the wall of the compartment. Certainly she was looking well: she was looking unusually well. And, once more, there was little vanity in this. For beauty was made for others. Her beauty belonged to the Director. It belonged to him so completely that he could even decide not to keep it for himself but to order that it be given to another, by an act of obedience lower, and therefore higher, more unconditional and therefore more delighting, than if he had demanded it for himself.

There is so much meaning here that it's hard to know where to begin.

1) There is a metaphorical picture here of our proper response and attitude to Christ, as his bride. The evocation of Solomon refers back to the Song of Songs, which is both a literal picture of actual love between lover and beloved, the way it should be, and a metaphor of Jehovah and Israel (and ultimately of Jesus and the true Church). And it also operates on the personal level, describing the crux of the mystical life in Him, which is surrender.
2) It is a portrait of a woman turning away from modernity and feminism and embracing her essential womanhood, with all its unpopular connotations of surrender, submission, and obedience. But, as in the life in Christ, through the surrender of the self, the submission of the will, and obedience in thought and action, she discovers her real self, her own true beauty, and a new sort of love which she had never even imagined before.
3) It provides a picture for a man of what he can aspire to be to a woman. A man who, just once in his life, could make a woman feel that way could be satisfied that he had lived a full and meaningful life.
4) It describes superbly the process of inner crisis, when we aren't sure of our own thoughts and don't know our own feelings. The image of four Janes struggling against each other is brilliant, and the epiphany of the fourth being clearly the true Jane is genius. It is that inner voice which, like looking back on a riddle to which we now know the answer, we cannot believe we didn't recognize all along as being the true Inner Voice.
5) It paints a beautiful and painstaking picture of what it is to experience true love, for either sex. That is, true eros; holy erotic love; romantic love in submission to Christ. Desire without guilt. Affection without possessiveness. Intimacy without selfishness. Love for one person that enhances one's love for all others, and for the whole world and all that is in it. Love that creates a sacred feast of the senses, giving new significance and exalted enjoyment to music, poetry, beauty, food, drink, light, air, and life. The imagery of the beloved is somewhat different when it is a man loving a woman. To re-work Lewis's image: "He had long since forgotten the imagined Guinevere of his childhood, and Mary too. That sparkling starlight blend of queen and maiden and enchantress stole back upon his mind. For the first time in all those years he tasted the word Queen itself with all linked associations of wisdom, marriage, motherhood, beauty, and gentleness." In other words, when one is truly in love, the beloved becomes the archetype and image of the whole sex: the Adam or Eve; the King or Queen; the Mars or Venus. But it turns the heart outward, rather than inward. One wants to revel in the joy and share it with the whole universe, rather than building a wall around one's self and the beloved to exclude all others from it.
But none of this can be obtained by seeking or striving for it. The only way to find it is to lose it; the only way to get it is to give it up.

What's the worst thing in the world?

Seeing someone you love hurting and not being able to offer help, support, or comfort.

Sacred Art and the Incarnation

"You speak no Latin more than I, belike;
However, you're my man, you've seen the world
--The beauty and the wonder and the power,
The shapes of things, their colours, lights and shades,
Changes, surprises,--and God made it all!
--For what? Do you feel thankful, ay or no,
For this fair town's face, yonder river's line,
The mountain round it and the sky above,
Much more the figures of man, woman, child,
These are the frame to? What's it all about?
To be passed over, despised? or dwelt upon,
Wondered at? oh, this last of course!--you say,
But why not do as well as say,--paint these
Just as they are, careless what comes of it?
God's works--paint anyone, and count it crime
To let a truth slip. Don't object, "His works
Are here already; nature is complete:
Suppose you reproduce her--(which you can't)
There's no advantage! you must beat her, then."
For, don't you mark? we're made so that we love
First when we see them painted, things we have passed
Perhaps a hundred times nor cared to see;
And so they are better, painted--better to us,
Which is the same thing. Art was given for that;
God uses us to help each other so,
Lending our minds out." 

-- Robert Browning

I'm thinking of this passage in the light of God's incarnation as Man, the ultimate Self-portrait. I'm thinking about how artists are sub-creators and thus are God's own works of art: creations in His own image as Creator.

"Although now long estranged,
Man is not wholly lost nor wholly changed.
Dis-graced he may be, yet is not de-throned,
and keeps the rags of lordship once he owned:
Man, Sub-creator, the refracted Light
through whom is splintered from a single White
to many hues, and endlessly combined
in living shapes that move from mind to mind.
Though all the crannies of the world we filled
with Elves and Goblins, though we dared to build
Gods and their houses out of dark and light,
and sowed the seed of dragons--'twas our right
(used or misused). That right has not decayed:
we make still by the law in which we're made."

 -- J.R.R. Tolkien

I'm thinking about how many more people have been reached and touched by the seed of Truth by the agency of subcreation than by the direct "preaching of the gospel" as it's typically thought of by the evangelical mind. How many minds have been set on the path to the Light through first coming into contact with the work of Shakespeare, or Bach, or Michelangelo, or Pierre de Montreuil--or Tolkien? How many people's hearts have first been moved toward the Holy when Monseigneur Bienvenu shows mercy to Jean Valjean, when Karenin forgives Anna, when Scrooge repents--or when Aslan saves Edmund?

And I'm thinking about how I can participate in it all.

The only thing in the world I want for Christmas...

...is understanding and reconciliation with the people I love. Peace on earth, good will to men.

The Churchill School of Adulthood — Lesson #3: Live Romantically

Great article on rejecting the coldhearted, cynical arrogance of rationalism and embracing the passion and romance of life. Strangely appropriate on Christmas Eve, when we celebrate the most romantic and passionate of all acts: the epic moment of decision in the great battle between Good and Evil and the climactic moment of the eternal love story.

Favorite quotes:

While we commonly use “romantic” these days to describe the ardor of relationships, today we’re talking about Romanticism with a big R: a life philosophy that prizes the rejection of pure rationalism in favor of intuition, imagination, and emotion; the embrace of nonconformity and sincerity; a tendency towards nostalgia; and the celebration of curiosity, spontaneity, and wonder.

His friend Violet Bonham Carter attributed this quality to his lack of formal education (he attended a military academy instead of a liberal arts college). Churchill, she observed, lacked the jaded cynicism that one often picks up at a university along with a sheepskin, and was invigorated by simple truths that others found cliché. “To Winston Churchill,” Carter wrote, “everything under the sun was new—seen and appraised as on the first day of Creation. His approach to life was full of ardor and surprise. Even the eternal verities appeared to him to be an exciting personal discovery.”

Any man, who had the courage and will, could make himself a hero and join the fight.

Winston “venerated tradition, but ridiculed convention.”

Churchill perhaps bucked societal norms most, however, simply in how genuine he was. The man that people heard on the radio, who they saw in Parliament, was exactly the same man at home. He truly was without guile. He never put on a front, took positions he did not believe in, or evinced to be other than what he was. He refused to even sign his letters “Sincerely” unless he was really, truly sincere about the missive’s message.

One thing is for sure: he felt things deeply. “I’m a blubberer,” he gladly confessed to friends, and Manchester says that “no man wept more easily.” Reminiscing with old comrades could make him misty-eyed and he would freely mourn the deaths of his beloved pets. Even composing emotional segments of his speeches could prompt a torrent of tears – both from him and his secretaries. As one of them recalled, “I would be weeping and he would be weeping, and all the while he was dictating in his marvelous voice and I’d be tap-tapping away, the both of us weeping.”

Churchill did for the War what his contemporary, Lewis, did for Christianity: transformed it idealogically by putting it into terms that others could not only understand, but feel, and know in their hearts to be true and right.

Also, anyone who's ever escaped from a POW camp is axiomatically a badass. No further qualifications required.

From "The Art of Manliness". Full article here:

The Churchill School of Adulthood — Lesson #3: Live Romantically

Christmas 1914

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I've come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Chopin Piano Concerto No. 1 - Romance

Lewis on Destiny

"The whole distinction between things accidental and things designed, like the distinction between fact and myth, (is) purely terrestrial. The pattern is so large that within this frame of earthly experience there appear pieces of it between which we can see no connection, and other pieces between which we can. Hence we rightly, for our use, distinguish the accidental from the essential. But step outside the frame and the distinction drops down into the void, fluttering useless wings." -- C.S. Lewis

Northern Lights

A friend just sent me this from Iceland:

I just want to hoist my pack and wander off into that tundra.

The urge to ramble is getting stronger.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

-- J.R.R. Tolkien 

I love the Lord of the Rings reference in this song.

Mine's a tale that can't be told,
My freedom I hold dear;
How years ago in days of old
When magic filled the air,
'Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor
I met a girl so fair.
But Gollum, and the evil one
Crept up and slipped away with her.

I discovered Zeppelin soon after I discovered Tolkien, and finding these little snippets of Middle Earth in their music was like stumbling upon Easter eggs.

Anyway, if I disappear, look northward along the Appalachian trail.

Blessed is the man whose strength is in thee; in whose heart are thy ways.
Who passing through the vale of misery make it a well; the rain also filleth the pools.
They will go from strength to strength, and every one of them will appear before God in Sion

-- Psalm 84: 5-7

The Only Thing that Matters

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." -- John 13:34-35

Religion can become very complicated. Two thousand years and thousands of volumes of theological accretions can cloud a clear vision of what God actually commands us to do. This is especially true for the learned believer.

This is not new: when Jesus walked the earth, there had already been fifteen hundred years or so of Levitical and Rabbinical commentary and exposition of the Law given by God through Moses. In fact, the process had already started before Moses's own death. If you look at the Pentateuch, you can see the original version of the Law, as given by Yahweh, in Exodus, and a somewhat modified and expounded version given by Moses in Deuteronomy--what we should probably call today the "revised and expanded" edition.

This is not necessarily bad. After all, it is still Scripture, still given by divine inspiration. I won't go too far into it, but basically it is the same law, with clarifications and adaptations to meet changing needs and questions as they arose. In a way, the epistles of the New Testament are doing the exact same thing: interpreting, expounding upon, and applying, the direct teachings of the Savior himself, in the context of the growing church. Paul and the other apostles weren't making up a new religion, nor was Moses making a new Law--they were helping people understand and practice the one that had already been given. The bill of divorcement, for example, was introduced by Moses in Deuteronomy, and is not found in the Exodus version of the Law. According to Jesus, this was allowed for "the hardness of (their) hearts". There's a New Testament example of this too, when Paul says in 1 Cor 7 "But to the rest speak I, not the Lord..." (and isn't it interesting that it's on the same topic: marriage and divorce?) But note what Jesus said about the certificate of divorce and, by extension, to the rest of the changes: "From the beginning it was not so." (Matt 19:8) So it's Scripture, it's inspired, it's authoritative, but--apparently it's less than perfect. How can that be?

What Jesus is saying here, I think, is that theology--that is, interpretation and application, is good: but be careful. Be careful not to stray too far from the intent of the commandment as originally given. But what is that intent? Well, Jesus gives us that too:

"Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." -- Matt 22:36-40

We're all familiar with this text: The Great Commandment. But what's really interesting here is that Jesus uses the same Greek word: εντολη when he says "A new commandment I give unto you" as when he says "This is the first and great commandment" and also when he says, in Luke 18:20, "Thou knowest the commandments," in reference to the decalogue.

That means that, when Jesus said, "love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another," he was not making a suggestion or a recommendation. He was not giving us the key to a happy life, if we choose to receive it. He was not saying "this is the way I'd like to have it." He was giving us a law. A law that has the same binding character upon the apostles (and therefore, by extension, to all of us, his followers) that the Ten Commandments had upon Israel. And of course, as he himself pointed out, it really wasn't new at all: it was the summary and meaning of the whole Law from the very beginning. And not just from the beginning of the Law of Moses, either: from the true beginning. For what was the very first commandment God gave to mankind? Look at Genesis 1:28. "Be fruitful, and multiply." Unless you want to argue that God's original intent was for there to be loveless sex between husband and wife, his very first commandment to Adam and Eve was "Love one another."

So what does this mean, in practical terms, to love God and to love one another? What does it look like?

Well, the "love God" part is fairly easy to grasp, if not easy to perform. To love God is to obey him.

Deut 10:12-13 - "And now, Israel, what doth the Lord thy God require of thee, but to fear the Lord thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, to keep the commandments of the Lord, and his statutes, which I command thee this day for thy good?"

Eccl 12:13 - "Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments; for this is the whole duty of man."

Isa 1:13-17 - "Bring no more vain oblations; incense is an abomination unto me; the new moons and sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot away with; it is iniquity, even the solemn meeting. Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hateth: they are a trouble unto me. I am weary to bear them. And when ye spread forth your hands, I will hide mine eyes from you: yea, when ye make many prayers, I will not hear: your hands are full of blood. Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes, cease to do evil; Learn to do well; seek judgment, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, plead for the widow." (Understand that it is not the religious observances here that God hates, as some anti-catholic polemists teach: He ordained them himself. It is the hypocrisy of religion without love.)

Hos 6:6 - "For I desired mercy, not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings." (note that the Hebrew word for "know" here is the one for experiential knowledge, not cognitive knowledge. The same one used when Adam knew his wife. So this means having a relationship with God, not studying theology.)

Mic 6:8 - "He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?"

Mark 12:31-34 - "And the scribe said unto him, Well, Master, thou hast said the truth: for there is one God; and there is none other but he: And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding, and with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love his neighbour as himself, is more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices. And when Jesus saw that he answered discreetly, he said unto him, Thou art not far from the Kingdom of God."

John 14:15 - "If ye love me, keep my commandments."

But in a way, this doesn't help us much with knowing how to walk it out, because it's a bit circular: loving God means obeying him, and obeying him means loving him. It's the other half of the summary of the Law, which Jesus reiterated at the last supper, which allows us to see how to live it.

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." -- John 13:34-35

And he matched these words with deeds, by kneeling down and washing his followers' feet; by breaking bread and sharing the cup with them; by reclining on the couch with the youngest disciple, John, in his arms. And by what happened in the days following. In other words, service, sharing, intimacy, and sacrifice.

But we're not left there to try and work out how to live in love toward one another. Jesus himself gave us more explicit instructions, and the apostles followed suit.

Jesus said:

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing." -- Matt 5:21-26 (emphasis mine)

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect". -- Matt 5:38-48 (emphasis mine)

"But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." -- Matt 6:15 

"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." -- Matt 7:12

"Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother." -- Matt 18:15

"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses." -- Matt 18:21-35 (emphasis mine)

Paul added:

"Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." -- Rom 13:10

"Walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." -- Eph 4:1-3

"Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness." -- Col 3:12-14

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." -- 1 Cor 13

And the other apostles agreed. Note that every apostle whose epistles we have in the New Testament made an emphatic statement about the importance of love.

James:

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this; to visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." -- James 1:27 

Peter:

"And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." -- 1 Pet 4:8 

John:

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world. Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. We love him, because he first loved us. If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also." -- 1 John 4:7-21

I think it's especially important to note the negative statements here: If you do not love, you do not know God. If you do not forgive, you will not be forgiven by God. If you say you love God, but hate your brother, you are a liar. What is this saying? That the only real evidence that you are a Christian is that you love. "Every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." The word here, of course, is αγάπη. So John is saying that agape is a special Christian kind of love (what the King James calls "charity"), and that only those who have been born of the Spirit can have it. And that if you don't have it, you haven't been born of the Spirit. Some people teach that the evidence of the baptism in the Spirit is speaking in tongues: the Bible says that it's love.

When the sheep and the goats are standing before the judgement seat of Christ in Matthew 25, what does he ask them? 'Did you go to church?' 'Did you have correct liturgy?' 'Did you teach correct doctrine?' 'Was your music program beautiful and reverent?' 'Were you hard-working, thrifty, and diligent?' No. He asks them if they performed acts of love to their fellow-men. Even the working of miracles and performing of signs and wonders isn't good enough, in agreement with Paul in 1 Corinthians 13. Matthew 7 says that many will say to him in that day, "Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity."

Now, again, does that mean that any of those things are completely unimportant? Is it not good to work wonders and miracles? To worship reverently? To teach the truth? To work hard, be prudent, and pay your debts? No, those are excellent things. But they're meaningless without love. Love comes first, then everything else has meaning. If you work and save, but do not have love, then you are a miser. If you worship correctly and teach profoundly, but do not have love, you are a hypocrite. If you work wonders but do not have love, you are a magician. Love is the only truth that gives truth to anything else; the only thing that connects us to God and to fellow-men, the only force that has the power to work any true good in the world. It was love that brought down the Roman Empire, the mightiest empire known to man.

"Look, how they love one another; and how they are ready to die for each other" -- Tertullian

What would people say if they looked into our church now?

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God, and every one that loveth is born of God.

"Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It's an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly as he or she is, right here and now."

-- Fred Rogers

Yeah, that's right: Mr. Rogers. Wise man.

My Life -- The Good Parts

This post is long overdue. It is an addendum to the series I did a while back on my personal history, which focused heavily on the bad things which have happened to me. There was even a special entry devoted to some of the worst things. But I think I need to acknowledge the inscrutable and unfailing love of God and some of the many blessings and mercies he's shown me through the years. And it can also be considered a somewhat belated Thanksgiving post.

The first and foremost thing for which I'm grateful is that God has always been real to me. Why he chose to begin speaking to me at such a young age, I don't know. But I can remember being as young as three or four, and knowing that he was there and that he loved me. I had a little gift new testament that had been given to me on the day of my birth, and even before I could read it, I used to hold it lovingly and leaf through the pages, longing for what was inside. He also made himself real to me in other ways. I have never had any doubt that there is a world beyond this one, because as long as I can remember, I've had spiritual experiences, including dreams that later come true. Not just a feeling of deja-vu, but times when I can remember the dream, remember waking up from it, remember the place and time and circumstances in which I'd had it, and in some cases even having talked to another person about it after waking. And there have been miraculous provisions, answered prayers, and spiritual gifts too numerous to mention. Here are some other instances of God making himself real to me:

I was in my late thirties, seriously overweight, sedentary, recently divorced, a single parent, depressed, physically disabled, overstressed, and overwhelmed. I began having chest pains. Eventually, it got to the point that I went to the emergency room, where they diagnosed me as having a blockage (the thing my father had died of at 44). So they sent me to have a nuclear stress test to confirm it. And it did: I had a serious blockage. So serious, in fact, that they scheduled me for a heart catheterization the very next day. In the middle of the night I was awoken, and a voice in my heart said "pray". I didn't have to ask what about. So I got out of bed, knelt down, and prayed. I didn't actually ask to be healed, but that God's will would be done. But the next day, the procedure showed not only no blockage, but completely clean arteries with no buildup whatsoever. The doctor said I had the arteries of an eighteen-year-old.

The day I had the truck accident which left my leg and back crippled, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. That same still, small voice which later told me to pray about my heart, told me to put my seatbelt on as I approached the top of the mountain where I was later to crash. I ignored it, thinking it was my own imagination. But it became more insistent. So I did. And it saved my life. When the state trooper came to my hospital room, he handed me my prayer book and bible. He said, "Usually when we have a truck accident, we find false log books and pornography littered all over the place. But here's what we found at yours. There was only one space in that truck in which there was enough space for a human being to exist, and it was where you were sitting. Your God was with you."

Another time, I had recently learned that my uncle had terminal cancer. That same voice awoke me in the night again, saying "pray". I did, and I felt he was telling me to ask for more years for my uncle, like King Hezekiah. So that's what I asked for, and he went unexpectedly into remission and lived a good number of years more, during which time I was able to see him quite a bit. Then another cancer came back and took him very quickly, as if it were just that his time was up and that was it. His last words to me were, "If it wasn't this, something would get me sooner or later. I'm ready to go." He was a Christian, by the way.

Although my marriage was foolish and done in disobedience, both to God's written word and to his explicit leading, I have been blessed with four children who are genuinely good people. They are all four full of love and compassion, devoted to trying to do what is right and honorable, and believers in Christ.

My oldest son, who is the one who is not mine biologically, has been known among his friends since childhood as the one on whom they can always rely: the rock to whom they go in time of need, hurt, or doubt; the one who will show compassion, loyalty, and wisdom when they need him. In fact, Michael earned the nickname "Papa Smurf" years ago because of these qualities. We've had our differences, but a few years back, after he'd been through a tough time, he called me up and said, "Dad, I just want to thank you for the way you raised me."

My second son is the bravest, toughest, and most determined man I know. Not much needs to be said on that head, beyond the fact that he's done three combat tours as an Army infantryman. But that's not all there is to him: he's also kind, compassionate, and sensitive underneath. Going to war is tough on anyone: but it takes a special kind of strength for the sensitive and compassionate soul to endure it without losing himself. Toby told me a story about how once, he sprained his ankle on a ruckmarch (for you civilians, that's kind of like backpacking, but not nearly as much fun). He had something like seven miles to go, and was ready to give up and quit. But, he said, he remembered "all the things I had taught him", and he pushed through: seven miles with a heavy pack, on a sprained ankle. I don't know what I've done to deserve that kind of love and loyalty, but I wasn't the source of those things he'd learned: God was. Oh, and by the way, Toby is also friggin' hilarious.

My older daughter, Bethany, is not only smart, but wise and brave. She's always been the best in the family with things like money, homework, and time-management, on top of being intellectually gifted. But the main thing I'm thankful for is that it is all contained in a person of extraordinary character. Once, when she was swimming with some friends at a lake, a man drowned. His friends, and others there including several men, just stood there paralyzed with panic. But Bethany was one of only two people who dove in the water and swam out to where he was, trying to save him. Unfortunately they didn't get there in time. But that doesn't take away from the courage of the act.

My youngest, Adina, is the most compassionate and caring person I've ever known. I've seen her completely collapse in grief because she accidentally killed a mouse. And she is so gifted as an artist and a writer that I am awed. But she also has courage: a car accident in front of her house sent her running out to help the injured, in spite of her sensitive and squeamish nature, where most people just stand and look.

Also, in regard to that 'marriage', God's mercy followed us even though we were living out of his perfect will. He never fully blessed the marriage, but neither did he totally abandon us: like a parent who is unwilling to fully sanction and support a child's wrong lifestyle, but still helps out when that child really needs it.

I've been blessed with a few true friends throughout the years. My army buddies, Mitch Stein and Steve Richbow. Several people I knew in high school in Belgium, most notably Brian "Zoid" Kelly who's just the best buddy a guy could want, and sweet Michelle Frost. My old pastor, Ray Reynolds, his wife Helen, and their daughter, Ruthie. The guys from my old D&D game in Murfreesboro: Rob Williams and Mike Riley. Rob Sell, who was the only other veteran in our police academy class and who's been a good friend ever since. Jessica Eve, who was the first girl I met when I split from my wife, and ended up becoming one of the best friends I've ever had. And especially Maggie Thrash, who was the only person to stand by me when I was slandered and falsely accused in grad school, and has always been there for me ever since. I'd rather have a few true friends than a lot of false ones.

Another thing I'm deeply thankful for is that, in spite of all my disabilities and disadvantages, my life is really pretty blessed. I mean, compare the pictures you've seen on here of my life to the life that many disabled veterans lead. I have all I need, and even a bit of grace, comfort, and luxury, whereas without God's mercy and blessing I could have been that guy standing on the corner with a cardboard sign.

I'm also thankful for the trials and hard times he's put me through, and the lessons which have come out of them. Especially the recent ones. Although there is still no end or good resolution in sight externally, the degree to which it has all brought me closer to God is nothing short of miraculous.

"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed."

-- Ernest Hemingway

C.S. Lewis on Walking

"It's just the opposite of the army. The whole point about the army is that you are never alone for a moment and can never choose where you're going or even what part of the road you're walking on. On a walking-tour you are absolutely detached. You stop where you like and go where you like. As long as it lasts you need consider no one and consult no one but yourself."

Feeling restless, like I need to go walking again. Or something.

By the way, it's my birthday.

"Pray to desire not to be esteemed, not to be secure, and not to be in control."

-- Anonymous Trappist Monk

Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy

Article: "Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy"

-- from "The Onion"

I Know That My Redeemer Liveth (Handel) — Choir of New College, Oxford

Then Job answered and said,
'How long will ye vex my soul, and break me in pieces with words?
These ten times have ye reproached me: ye are not ashamed that ye make yourselves strange to me.
And be it indeed that I have erred, mine error remaineth with myself.
If indeed ye will magnify yourselves against me, and plead against me my reproach:
Know now that God hath overthrown me, and hath compassed me with his net.
Behold, I cry out of wrong, but I am not heard: I cry aloud, but there is no judgment.
He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths.
He hath stripped me of my glory, and taken the crown from my head.
He hath destroyed me on every side, and I am gone: and mine hope hath he removed like a tree.
He hath also kindled his wrath against me, and he counteth me unto him as one of his enemies.
His troops come together, and raise up their way against me, and encamp round about my tabernacle.
He hath put my brethren far from me, and mine acquaintance are verily estranged from me.
My kinsfolk have failed, and my familiar friends have forgotten me.
They that dwell in mine house, and my maids, count me for a stranger: I am an alien in their sight.
I called my servant, and he gave me no answer; I intreated him with my mouth.
My breath is strange to my wife, though I intreated for the children's sake of mine own body.
Yea, young children despised me; I arose, and they spake against me.
All my inward friends abhorred me: and they whom I loved are turned against me.
My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.
Have pity upon me, have pity upon me, O ye my friends; for the hand of God hath touched me.
Why do ye persecute me as God, and are not satisfied with my flesh?
Oh that my words were now written! oh that they were printed in a book!
That they were graven with an iron pen and lead in the rock for ever!
For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:
And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:
Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.
But ye should say, Why persecute we him, seeing the root of the matter is found in me?
Be ye afraid of the sword: for wrath bringeth the punishments of the sword, that ye may know there is a judgment.'

-- Book of Job, chapter 19 

How to Succeed in the Christian Life

"Many of you have been going through frustrations, and problems, and heartaches; and you may be saying, 'God, why?' And I'll tell you one probable reason God has permitted these problems to come in your lives: to show you, you need the Holy Spirit. Every day. Every hour. And every moment. There is no other way to succeed in the Christian life, than to be led by the Holy Spirit."

-- Derek Prince