May I introduce...

My granddaughters:

Elizabeth

and Hannah

Hannah is still in ICU.

Update: Hanna is home and doing well.

Hawaii!

My son and his wife have arrived in Hawaii, where they'll be living for the next several years. A bit of recompense from Uncle Sam for all the hell he's been through.

Now every time I think of my son, I'm going to think of this:

I am seriously thinking about going. Soon. Actually looked at tickets just now. But I think I'll finish my weight loss first. But I am gonna go. I've just decided.

More on the same theme

Continuing on the theme of black despair, here's a playlist I created sometime last year of songs about heartbreak, misery, and death. And listened to over, and over, and over...sort of the soundtrack of my life for the last five hundred and eighty-six days. Enjoy

Moments of Despair

I was having lunch today with a friend who is also going through a hard time, and we were talking about how, when you're seeking and trying to follow God with all your heart in such a place in your life, you have alternating moments of joyous hope and black despair. We tend, or at least I tend, to judge myself quite harshly over the dark times, berating myself for lack of faith and trust in Him. But one only need read the Psalms to see that it is just part of the process when the Lord is working in our lives. David had a multitude of those moments, even questioning God in some of them. Also, most if not all of the Psalms are prophetically the prayer book of Christ Himself, and we have the account of His passion in the Garden to show us that it is not only normal and human, but not sinful.

None of that, of course, makes one feel any better in the midst of the despair. And I'm having one of those times tonight. And nothing commiserates a confused and aching soul like opera.

Bruce Springsteen - Drive All Night

My Father's Birthday

Today would have been my father's seventy-third birthday. He's been dead for...what? twenty-seven years now. Which means I've lived without him longer than I lived with him. Rest in peace, Dad. Looking forward to seeing you again.

The Discipline of Spiritual Tenacity

Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered. The greatest fear a man has is not that he will be damned, but that Jesus Christ will be worsted, that the things He stood for--love and justice and forgiveness and kindness among men--will not win out in the end; the things He stands for look like will-o'-the-wisps. Then comes the call to spiritual tenacity, not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately on the certainty that God is not going to be worsted.

If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified. There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or dreamed of that will not be fulfilled. One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. "Because thou hast kept the word of my patience."

Remain spiritually tenacious.  

-- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (emphasis mine)

Persistence

/pərˈsistəns/

noun

1. Continuance in a course of action in spite of opposition, obstacles, difficulty, or discouragement.

Misterioso, Altero

From La Traviata

Alfredo:

One day, happy, ethereal, you flitted by me,
and ever since, trembling, I have lived in anonymous love.
That love that's the heartbeat of the universe; the whole universe,
Mysterious, mysterious and exalted,
Torment, torment and delight
Torment and delight, delight to the heart.

Violetta:

If that is true, forget me.
Friendship is all I can offer.
I don't know how to love.
I couldn't feel so great an emotion.
I'm being honest with you, sincere.
You should find somebody else.
Then you wouldn't find it hard
to forget me.

Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome

The key to a good plan is flexibility, and I've been revising my tactical objectives in order to overcome or circumvent obstacles and adapt to changing environmental factors, as well as implement new guidance from higher-up, in order to achieve my strategic goals.

On the weight-loss front, I've replaced the two-phase, thirty-pound per phase approach with a three-phase, twenty-pound one. My plan had been to reach 230 by the end of February, then take a break to let my body recover before pushing on. But I've found that my body was already seriously shutting down as I approached 240: exhibiting the same signs and symptoms that it does during an extended fast, and the weight loss slowing to one or two pounds per week. So, after finally hitting 240 last week, I'm taking this week off to rest and heal, and convince my metabolism that it's not starving. Plus, I pulled something in my arm lifting weights. On Monday, I start again on phase II: hoping to reach 220 in six weeks or so. I have a four-phase, ten-pound per phase approach on the shelf to implement if needed.

On the life direction front, instead of selling my house and moving to Lynchburg to attend Liberty, I'm staying here and doing a master's in theology through Trinity Anglican in Pennsylvania, where several men at my church are studying. I can do it mostly online, plus some summer intensives on campus. The program looks much more satisfying to me, academically and theologically, than Liberty, and I may be able to avoid doing two M.A.s. Even if not, I feel better about spending the extra time and money on one I believe in than one which would basically just be a way to get my foot back in the door of academia. I know Liberty has some good programs, and I respect their commitment to biblical truth, but I took some classes in Bible and theology from them before, and it's not really what I'm looking for. Also, this way I don't have to uproot and move yet, and can continue to enjoy my place and this area for a while longer, and can also continue to build equity and (hopefully) let the housing market continue to rise before selling. Since I bought this place at the exact perfect moment when the market hit rock bottom, I stand to do quite well if things continue as they are now going.

As always, all plans and goals are "God willing" and subject to unexpected divine guidance and intervention.

"If you're not living from your heart, you're not living as a real person." -- Gene Godbold

Nancy Leigh DeMoss - Running the Race

This is long. But by the time you get to about 10 minutes in, you'll understand why I shared it.

Carrying the Weight

The first time you put on a genuinely heavy rucksack, it feels like it's going to kill you. You think, "My God, there's no way anyone can walk a thousand miles in this: I can't carry it to the end of the driveway!" But you force yourself to walk around the block with it. Then, in a week or two, you can make it a half-mile. Then a mile. And soon you're finding that there are times when you're not even thinking about the oppressive weight or the fantastic pain in your shoulders and back. And one day, you're walking ten, twelve, or fifteen miles a day, day after day, week after week, and actually enjoying it. The weight is still there. And it still hurts. But it bothers you less, that's all. Because you got stronger.

So it is with a broken heart.

"Love alone can end in contentment and joy." -- W.A. Mozart

Brahms Sonata op.38 1st mvt Camille Thomas and Beatrice Berrut

These two Swiss girls are breathtaking. I love when a musician is obviously as moved as I am by the music she's playing; I thought a couple of times that Camille was channeling Jacqueline du Pré. True of any performance art, really. That's why Method actors like Daniel Day-Lewis and Sam Rockwell have so much power in their performances: their heart and soul are being poured out for us. Many musicians actually succeed in making the world's greatest music boring, just as some actors and directors suck all the life out of Shakespeare. But with musicians like these, or Jackie, or...erm...well, nevermind...every note is a different-colored jewel, glittering in a different light.

Of course, it also doesn't hurt that they're lovely. Adding beauty to a superb performance is like adding wine to a good meal.

One more reason for Switzerland to be my favorite place in the world--and this performance was given in Belgium, my second favorite! I need to move back to Europe.

*Correction: one is Swiss and one is Belgian. Perfection.

The Art of Manliness - Always Treat Your Girlfriend Right: A WWII Case Study

Art of Manliness: Always Treat Your Girlfriend Right

Here's another good one from AoM: a very refreshing anti-modern view of dating, inter-sex relationships, respect, and chastity.

"In the HBO miniseries The Pacific, one story arc shows Sid Phillips (portrayed by actor Ashton Holmes) dating a pretty Australian named Gwen (actress Isabel Lucas) and eventually having a sexual relationship with her.
But Sid will tell you that “Gwen” was a composite character created as a Hollywood plotline. “Gwen” never existed, and the salacious scene with Sid and Gwen was fabricated by the writers of the miniseries.
In real life, Sid struck up a friendship with a pretty 16-year-old Australian named Shirley. She had an older sister who paired up with one of Sid’s friends, Deacon Tatum.
The girls’ mother was a widow whose husband had died from effects of being gassed in WWI, and right away the mother gave the boys a stern talking to. If the Americans were to date her daughters, then they always needed to stay in a group. Neither Deacon nor Sid was ever to take either sister off by herself.
The young people grew to be close friends. Shirley’s family was poor but hardworking. The grandmother was also living in the family’s house, and the family didn’t have a refrigerator or even electricity. So Sid and Deacon frequently went to the grocery store to buy steak and potatoes and other good food that they took back to the house. The mother would prepare the food for them all. For months the two men ate at the house nearly twice a week.
Most often for outings, Sid and Deacon took the girls to movies, amusement parks, and historical sites in Melbourne. They talked and laughed and went for long walks and all hoped the war would be over soon.
The Marines were stationed in Australia for nearly a year, and when the troops were eventually shipped out to fight the battle of New Britain, Shirley and Sid parted ways. According to Sid, their relationship remained chaste the entire time." (emphasis added)

"Years later, when Sid and Shirley were both in their forties, David and Shirley Finley visited Sid and Mary Phillips in the states. During that visit the Finley’s son met the Phillips’ daughter and they became fast friends.
The son and the daughter were both just children then, but some years later, after they’d both grown up, the Finley son and the Phillips daughter reconnected. They hit it off again and eventually fell in love and got married. Today they have three children and live in Florida where Shirley’s son is also a doctor."

"The story shows what can happen when people genuinely hope the best for each other."

This is a message you won't often hear today: that you should respect a woman--especially a woman who is your friend--enough to respect her chastity and virtue, and to consider what the long-term consequences of violating it could be. 

A Love Letter from Robert Burns

"I have often thought it a peculiarly unlucky circumstance in love, that though in every other situation in life telling the truth is not only the safest, but actually by far the easiest way of proceeding, a lover is never under greater difficulty in acting, nor never more puzzled for expression than when his passion is sincere and his intentions are honourable.

I do not think that it is very difficult for a person of ordinary capacity to talk of love and fondness which are not felt, and to make vows of constancy and fidelity which are never intended to be performed, if he be villain enough to practise such a detestable conduct; but to a man whose heart glows with the principles of integrity and truth, and who sincerely loves a woman of amiable person, uncommon refinement of sentiment, and purity of manners, to such a one in such circumstances, I can assure you my dear, from my own feelings at this present moment, courtship is a task indeed. There is such a number of foreboding fears and distrustful anxieties crowd into my mind when I am in your company, or when I sit down to write to you, that what to speak or what to write I am altogether at a loss.

There is one rule which I have hitherto practised and which I shall invariably keep with you and that is, honestly to tell you the plain truth. There is something so mean and unmanly in the acts of dissimulation and falsehood that I am surprised they can be acted by any one in so noble, so generous a passion as virtuous love. No, my dear E., I shall never endeavour to gain your favour by such detestable practices. If you will be so good and so generous as to admit me for your partner, your companion, your bosom friend through life, there is nothing on this side of eternity shall give me greater transport: but I shall never think of purchasing your hand by any arts unworthy of a man, and, I will add, of a Christian."

 -- Robert Burns, from a letter to Ellison Begbie

"Now let us try to realise that we have within us a palace of incomparable splendour, built entirely of gold and precious stones, worthy in fact of such a Lord. Let your part be to see that this edifice is such, as in truth it should be, for there is no building so beautiful as a pure soul adorned with virtues, and the greater these virtues the more resplendent the jewels will be. Within this palace is the great King, Whose kindness has led Him to be your Father; He sits on a throne of priceless value, which is your heart...

...the important thing for us is that we give it to Him entirely, and empty it of its creatures, so that He may dispose of it as His own property."

-- St  Theresa of Avila

Edward Scissorhands - Ice Dance

I think I may have posted this before. But it's so beautiful and haunting. That moment, when she says, "Hold me," and he says, "I can't." To someone who knows what it is to break everything he touches, it's heartbreakingly resonating.

Fauré: Cantique de Jean Racine

Word of God, one with the Most High,
in Whom alone we have our hope,
Eternal Day of heaven and earth,
We break the silence of the peaceful night;
Saviour Divine, cast your eyes upon us!

Pour on us the fire of your powerful grace,
That all hell may flee at the sound of your voice;
Banish the slumber of a weary soul,
That brings forgetfulness of your laws!

O Christ, look with favour upon your faithful people
Now gathered here to praise you;
Receive their hymns offered to your immortal glory;
May they go forth filled with your gifts

"For while I held my tongue, my bones consumed away through my daily complaining."

-- Psalm 32:3

Laberinto Del Fauno

I suppose you've all seen this movie. If not, do so immediately.

Children believe in Faerie, instinctively somehow: they have to be taught not to. As if it's a place they've just left and the memory hasn't faded yet. But the Faerie they believe in is more like the one depicted in this movie, and in the old tales half-remembered, than the one in Victorian nursery rhymes.