Easter Eggs

God sent me a gift yesterday. (Actually, he sent me two: I may tell you about the other one later.) You know those times, when you're struggling, and you just "accidentally" stumble upon the exact thing you need, like finding an Easter egg in the grass?

I've been pretty hard on myself about those years after my injuries, when I became grumpy, and angry, and withdrawn. Well, I'm hard on myself about everything; but I've been especially hard about that. I watched a movie last night about a woman with debilitating chronic pain after a serious accident. And as I watched, I saw myself during those years, dealing with the constant, terrible physical pain, the stress caused by the limitations it puts on your life, the anxiety it creates about your future, and the problems it causes in your relationships with other people.

Just a small example: we're talking about serious, constant pain here; and doctors legitimately prescribe drugs that were legitimately designed to help bear that pain. But no matter how careful you are with them, how conservatively you use them, how responsible you are about taking them, every time you go to get a refill or a re-write, or anything having to do with them, you get judged and treated like you're some kind of pathetic addict looking for a fix. Or, for another example, you'll be standing in a line, waiting to check in for something at a hospital or clinic. And it's killing you, standing there: just excruciating. And the clerk fools around, and dawdles, and ignores the patients, and talks on the phone. And finally, when you just can't bear it anymore, you try, as politely as you can manage in your pain-ridden and frustrated state, to say, "Could you wait on us so I can sit down, please?" But it just goes downhill from there. And somehow, it always ends up that it's your fault.

So after a while, between the never-ending pain, and the stress, and the frustrations, you end up changing. I mean, pain itself has an effect on your personality, even without all those other factors. Think about a time when you've been feeling awful: sick, or suffering a migraine, or whatever, and how hard it was to be kind and friendly to everyone around you.

So the gift that I received was seeing, from a different perspective, myself during those years. And I decided to forgive myself. Quit calling myself names, and beating myself up. I'm responsible for my actions: I'm not excusing them. I'm just forgiving them. I was a flawed man in a hard situation--that doesn't make me a horrible person.

So, thank you, Lord, for showing me this. For your forgiveness. And especially for all the changes you've made in my life: the healings, the treatments, the improved health and fitness, and the interior changes, so that I no longer have to live like that.

"The Lord is gracious, his mercy is everlasting, and his truth endureth to all generations." -- Psalm 100:5