Failure #4

Meds reinstated. I'm wondering if I'm just going to have to stay on them for the rest of my life. It's starting to seem that it may be the only way, as long as my life remains what it is now.

I'm always being asked why I don't: date; make some new friends; find a new church; get involved in (x) social activity--i.e., join a book discussion group, or a shooting club, or whatever it is.

I give various reasons, but what it really comes down to is two things:
a) It's so hard for me to find people I actually like being around, that I've pretty much given up. I try not to be judgmental or unkind, but I simply do not enjoy the company of 99.9% of people. Furthermore, I've come to the realization that, although all my life I've tried to adapt, to ingratiate myself, to find a way (short of being fake or becoming something I'm not) to fit in with the awful normals--that is the stupid and mean people who comprise the vast majority of the population, I don't. And I never will. And I'm tired of trying. They don't like me, and I don't like them, and so my best option is to eschew their company. And making the situation even worse, is the fact that I can't really immerse myself in any of the things I truly love, because it just reminds me and opens up wounds again.
b) Unless there is resolution, closure, and healing of the past, I'm never going to be able to trust anyone again. I'm never going to be able to be vulnerable and open myself up again. I'm never going to be able to love again. Not just a woman, but friends, brethren, and companions as well. I don't trust anyone anymore. Especially church people. If I don't find healing and reconciliation back where I belong, I'm never going back to church. Period. Disagree if you will, judge if you wish. But that's how it is.

Unfortunately, without the medication I have a much more profound awareness of that inconvenient and annoying need for human affection and companionship. And since it can't be satisfied, it seems the only solution is to go back to suppressing it chemically.

I probably will start doing some casual dating here shortly. But I'm only looking for companionship and, frankly, someone to pass the time with. I have no intention of ever falling in love again.

I know, it's a shame to have become just like every other emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic man out there. But I tried and I tried and I tried to be something different, something better, and got nothing but rejection, coldness, and scorn in return. So there you are.