The Lord's hand has clearly been in my meeting with Carolina. Patently. Unmistakably. We both see this, as does everyone who is observing, even those who don't normally believe in such things. But then there is also six years' worth of his messages and guidance to me, regarding You. So the question is, what is his intention here? What is his purpose? Or is it just my choice--is he giving me options?
One possibility I've been considering is that he has, in fact, been speaking to me about You for all this time, and that he's also been speaking to you about me, but you haven't been listening, or have been resisting. Perhaps he's been calling you to come to me, to love me, to heal me, and to let me love and heal you; but that since you have continued to refuse, he has brought me someone else who will, because he decided that it was time to end my suffering whether you cooperated or not. In support of this theory is a dream I had, after I saw you for the first time at the new church, before the last time. In the dream, I was kneeling in prayer, at the front of the church, and you were in the back. You came toward me to talk to me, then turned into a little girl and ran away.
Another possibility is that he brought Carolina and me together for a specific time and purpose, but that he has different final destinations for us. This has been my working hypothesis, and was the condition on which I accepted a romantic relationship with her in the first place. She promised me that she would be open to this, and that if you came to me, she would leave and wish us all happiness. But I promised that I would consider that he brought us together to stay together, and so I am truly opening myself to that possibility. I am going to keep that promise by spending the next months, as I travel, until Carolina and I see each other again, in prayer, seeking his will and guidance about our relationship.
However this ends, I have to say that I owe her a debt of eternal gratitude for what she's done for me. She treats me better than I ever imagined it was possible for a woman to treat a man in this age. She's given me more genuine love in one month than I have received from every other woman in my life, for the entirety of my life, combined. In all respects but one, it has been like she's been my wife for the last month, and it has been wonderful. A dream. The alternate vision of my life, in which I'm living with her in Italy, where my income would enable us to live very comfortably, bathing daily in her love, is quite tempting.
Even more appealing, in some ways, is the vision of her and I together traveling around, helping, ministering to, and freeing women who have suffered and been hurt in the worst ways possible. What I wanted to do before I met You, but it never worked out. She has a heart for the same thing, and it would work much better with a woman with me, to earn their trust.
But this is not, and has never been, about my wishes, feelings, and desires. It is, and has always been, about nothing more or less than God's will and guidance. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to vindicate myself on that count.
I have been told repeatedly, by numerous people starting with your parents, that I am being led by nothing but my own desires; that I am "ruled by my emotions"; that I am deluded by my own feelings. If that were so--if I were a man who was directed by desires and ruled by emotions--then the choice here would be clear and easy, and I would never look back. The fact that I am struggling with this decision--the girl who loves me more than I knew it was possible to be loved and is ready, even eager to be with me right now, or the one who has steadfastly ignored and rejected me for years, and may still for years to come--should prove that it is not my feelings which guide my decisions.
I also feel vindicated--or perhaps acquitted would be a better term--by the fact that she has trusted me, spent a month alone with me, much of it in my isolated house in the woods, and has gone home unharmed--in every sense. I am exactly the opposite kind of man than I have been made out to be, and she has given me the opportunity to prove that. For that, too, I am eternally grateful to her, and to God.
I feel justified in another sense as well: in that I have promised you repeatedly that I would love and accept you no matter what, whatever it is that you might think makes you unlovable or unacceptable. But Carolina's past is far more painful and traumatic than any I could ever possibly imagine for you, and I was able to do exactly the thing for her that I said I wished to do for you: to hold her in my arms, look in her eyes, and tell her that she was loved, accepted, and forgiven, no matter what.
So back to the question: what now? Again, I don't know for certain. But one thing, which I was seriously considering even before I met her, was that as of the sale of my house and my going on the road, I wasn't going to write to You anymore. I actually have several drafts of that in my blogger file, which I never completed. But I think now that this is right, and that her appearance in my life is confirmation of that. Not only for the original reasons I had for making such a resolution; that is, making a change in my own life, etc., but because it would be unkind, unfair, even cruel to her to continue writing love poems and confessions of undying devotion to you while I am in a relationship with her. And if I am going to honestly give this relationship a chance, and truly open myself to the possibility of God taking me on a different path, then I have to let that go, at least for now, and until it becomes clear which way I'm going to take.
And so, goodbye to You. I have loved you more than I knew it was possible to love. I will always love you, and part of my heart will always be yours, even if I am able to move on to a different kind of love with someone else. If your reason for reading my words for so long is, as I believe, that you have needed my love and adoration, then I am sorry that I will no longer be able to provide it; but I must move on: I have waited long enough. And I deserve better than what I've gotten from you, she has finally convinced me of that; which is nothing--or actually, less than nothing, because unfounded suspicions, false accusations, and unfair judgments definitely fall into the negative category.
If you still need to hear how wonderful you are, how much someone loves you, then you can still go back and read the old entries, and know that they will always be true.
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