Here's the thing: when you've really met Him; when you've truly felt His Presence; when you've had that genuine religious experience, then there's no longer any doubt about what is ultimately Real and what is not. You Just Know. You've encountered Something More Real than reality itself. Like when people come back from death, and are asked if they think it was a hallucination--they laugh, and say, "No, it was the most real thing I've ever experienced: more real than you and I sitting here." It's like...it's like, if you've ever lived through a tornado or a hurricane; and you're in a windy place, and someone nervous says, "Is this that?" And you laugh, and say, "No. If it was that, you'd know." Because there's just no mistaking the power.

The problem is, He doesn't always show Himself in such power, or speak so clearly. He uses soft, almost inaudible whispers, vague hints, subtle signs. Why? I don't know. Probably because He wants us to grow up and learn to make our own decisions--to choose to do the right and prudent thing without being told. Or maybe because He wants us to try harder and harder to seek Him, so He keeps hiding Himself more and more. "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter. To search out a matter is the glory of kings." (Prov 25:2) Or maybe it's mercy, because He knows we're going to mess up, and the more clearly He speaks, the more accountable we are for disobedience. Or maybe it's for some other ineffable reason which we won't understand until we get There.

I've tried it both ways. I tried for years...most of my early adulthood...to live as most Western Christians do--in a sort of pseudo-deistic universe, where He is there, but remote and withdrawn. The clockmaker, who made and wound up the clock, and then let it run on its own. Even though I had had some of those encounters, early on. I rationalized them, even became dismissive to myself of them. It's pretty easy to lie to yourself. 

But in my late 30s, when my life had completely bottomed out, I came back. I sought Him again, and He let Himself be found by me. And the encounters became more and more powerful, more and more clear, more and more real, until absolutely all room for doubt or excuse was gone. You who have been reading this blog for some time have been with me on much of that journey--after all, it's been almost ten years since I started it. So now, not only is there absolutely zero doubt in my mind that at least some of the things I have experienced were absolutely real and absolutely Him; but there is no license for me to do so. He has revealed Himself to me so clearly, that to turn away now would be a very, very serious mortal sin--perhaps the Unforgivable Sin. 

"For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; seeing they crucify to themselves the Son of God afresh, and put him to an open shame." -- Heb 6:4-6

So, the problem is, about some of it, I am absolutely, positively, totally, completely, 100% sure. That it was real, that it was Him. But about much of it, I am not. Some of it, I'm very sure, but open to being shown that I'm mistaken--but it would take some convincing. Some of it I'm less sure of, but I think probably it was. Some I'm not sure of at all, but I think "maybe," so I try to figure it out before acting, because I don't want to miss it if it was Him. Sometimes He doesn't speak, but leaves me to make my own decision, and I do the best I can with the information I have. The part about which I am completely sure forms a smallish percentage, as far as practical life decisions go--most of it is more theological than practical. So I do my best to navigate the revelation I have received, the revelation I think I have received, the revelation I think I may have received, the revelation I have not received, the situation and evidence before my eyes, and my own judgment, feelings, desires, wishes, thoughts, fears, and dysfunctions. It's not easy. It's a mess. I get it wrong. I screw it up. But I keep trying, because NOTHING and NO ONE is more important to me than Him, and my relationship with Him. Because I have literally, truly, actually met Him, and He Is All. Accept that about me, or don't be in my life. 

If your belief system doesn't allow for that, then okay. Believe whatever you want. Believe that I am delusional, or self-deceived, or suffering hallucinations. And I will continue to believe that you are tragically mistaken, and that if you don't get right with Him, you will end up in Hell. But I won't patronize, condescend to, or insult you about it, and I would thank you to afford me the same respect. If you can't do that, then again, don't be in my life. One day, one way or another, you, too, are going to find out just how real He is. And then you will understand.

"And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God." -- John 20:28