Okay, that's enough now.

Conversation with my son:

"You know how many times I've tried, and how many times Life has knocked me on my ass. I just can't seem to find the motivation or will or purpose this time to get my shit together."

"Well, you know the best way to get your shit together is to get your shit together." 

The boy I raised. Quite right.

But, the real motivation is that he said that he's in exactly the same place (she was his sister, after all), and he needs to see me doing it in order to do it himself. That's the extra motivation I need.

So, resolution: Get up and get my shit together.

Plan:

1) Take the damn antidepressants (for a while).

2) Go on a fast, to  knock off the damn 50 pounds of grief weight that nothing has seemed to be able to touch. Or at least a significant portion of it. And for the other benefits: spiritual and mental clarity, reduction in inflammation (and therefore pain), etc.

These two are synergistic: the reason I keep failing in my fasts is because I feel so completely awful once I get a bit into it. The reason I don't take the antidepressants is because they cause immediate and significant weight gain. Hopefully, they will counteract each other. Rather hard to gain weight on 0 calories.

3) Manage the other undesirable med side-effects with supplementation. They tend to mess about my hormone levels.

4) Start walking at least 3-4 times per week. Also doing the back exercises I got from the physical therapist, to further reduce pain levels and increase functionality. Fasting is the perfect time for this, as you have to take it easy on exercise anyway.

5) Make appointment with VA to start pain management again--we were just going to start it in West Virginia when I left there and came back here. I'm going to get the radiofrequency ablation that I had in my lower back years ago and was so effective done in my upper back and neck.

6) Fucking let it all go.