Monster and Bunny

Kitty

Indian Spirituality

I've spent a good part of the last week with a lady misionary from India. They take their spirituality seriously over there, and she's been encouraging me to do a complete fast--no water, nothing. I said it sounded medically dangerous, and she countered that that's kind of the point: seeking God and him only, and depending TOTALLY on him. And if you die, then you die--even that's up to him.

That last part has kind of sold me on the idea, and I'm thinking more and more that I might try it.

Ye shall henceforth be known as...

Punkin.

The Rain Song

This is not only one of my favorite songs, it's probably my favorite one to play on the guitar. It's in a special tuning only used for this song--DGCGCD, which gives the song its uniquely beautiful and haunting sound. I especially love playing the little walk-up and then the series of arpeggios at the end, and it closes with that last ringing chord that just lingers in the air.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." -- Phil 4:8

Fatherhood

Strange, how I was just writing here a day or two ago about my regrets as a father. And then, this morning, I get a message from my son that says "I need you to teach me how to be as good a dad as you were, because I feel like I suck at it." Which gives me the opportunity both to try and apologize for my failings, and to help him avoid making the same ones.

I won't relate the whole conversation, but here's the thing I told him which has really been on my heart for a while now: "If I could change one thing, I would have been kinder. To you in particular. You were such a great kid, but you reminded me so much of myself that I had a hard time expressing my love, because I hated myself."

Of course, the fact that he cares so much that he's plagued with guilt over not being a good enough father just proves that he actually is a good one. So I guess, in spite of my mistakes, I managed to raise a good man: not only strong and courageous on the battlefield, but tender and loving to his family. That makes me happy, and a little bit proud.

Justin Vernon - A Song For a Lover Of Long Ago

The Wanderer - Johnny Cash & U2

Speaking of movie scenes that break me up...

Sometimes I forget what a great movie this is, until I watch it again.

Installing Samantha

If this was really available, I would totally buy it right now.

Peace

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." -- Phil 4:7

We moderns tend to think of peace in a sort of new-agey, pseudo-Buddhist way; as an inner state of calm that is unaffected by external circumstances. And it can have something similar to that application in scripture, taken in the context of trust in God amidst trying circumstances. But it means much more than that. In Hebrew, it is often used as an active verb; for instance, when Jesus pronounces peace upon his disciples or upon the storm. (It is written in Greek, but he would have been speaking either Hebrew or Aramaic, which is closely related to Hebrew). When it is used this way, it doesn't mean, "I wish you peace," but "Be at peace!" It is a command.

In other words, peace is something one has to work at. We're not commanded to have peace, but to do peace, if I may be permitted the expression. And this includes our relationships. Just sitting around trying to feel peaceful and harmonious with others isn't what we're called to do--we're called to go and make peace with them. "Blessed are the peacewishers" is not a beatitude.

Of course, one cannot force another to be at peace with him. But one can do one's own part to the utmost of his ability to achieve that peace. "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men." -- Rom 12:18. Not just in an abstract, "Well, I wish him the best" sense, but in real, concrete terms. Christianity is not an ethereal, spiritual religion, but one of material, concrete realities. We could even think of peace between us as a sacrament; and that, I think, is what is meant by "the peace that passeth all understanding"-- not that purely mystical detachment, but the ability to truly forgive and live in love with each other. It's easy to wish someone peace and blessing in the abstract, while still harboring a secret grudge and cool aloofness. This is the sort of "peace" that is achieved by sweeping issues under the carpet rather than dealing with them. But it's hard to truly lay down our grievances, humble ourselves, and genuinely be reconciled. We're not really offered an alternative, though: "So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses." -- Matt 18:35

***edit*** It occurs to me after the fact that this could be taken as a "dig". It's not. When I write things like this, I'm mostly talking to myself. You know; thinking out loud, so to speak.

"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

-- Matt 5:4

It just dawned on me what the spiritual law is which I sensed was in there somewhere in my struggle against hard-heartedness. It's this. ^^

In the kingdom of God, everything works backwards from the way we think it does in the flesh. If you cling to your money and things and try to become rich, then you forfeit the blessing of God's abundance. But if you pay your tithes, give to the poor and are generous with your family and friends, then God will bless you in ways you can't imagine. If you harbor hatred and resentment, and try to wreak revenge on your enemy, then you fill your own life with bitterness. But if you forgive and love when you're not loved, then God will repay.

And so it is with this: if you are grieved, then you should mourn. Because if you shut up your heart selfishly to try and protect yourself, then you're stepping out of the kingdom of God into the way things work in the world, But if you leave yourself open to pain, and offer it up to God, then He is the one who will comfort you. He promised.

"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." -- Psalm 130:5

Oh, the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus

You may ask what I've learned, or what I've gained, through all the prayer, agonizing, seeking, fasting, studying, and all that I've done over the last few years, since I've been writing here about my life. The answer is, This:

(Lovely performance; too bad the recording quality isn't better. They could have used a skilled sound editor.)

I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.
I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.
In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.
All the kings of the earth shall praise thee, O LORD, when they hear the words of thy mouth.
Yea, they shall sing in the ways of the LORD: for great is the glory of the LORD.
Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.
The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

-- Psalm 138

1
Ah, Lord God, thou holy lover of my soul, when thou comest into my heart, all that is within me shall rejoice.
Thou art my glory and the exultation of my heart: thou art my hope and refuge in the day of my trouble.
2
But because I am as yet weak in love, and imperfect in virtue, I have need to be strengthened and comforted by thee; visit me therefore often, and instruct me with all holy discipline.
Set me free from evil passions, and heal my heart of all inordinate affections; that being inwardly cured and thoroughly cleansed, I may be made fit to love, courageous to suffer, steady to persevere.
3
Love is a great thing, yea, a great and thorough good; by itself it makes every thing that is heavy, light; and it bears evenly all that is uneven.
For it carries a burden which is no burden, and makes every thing that is bitter, sweet and tasteful.
The noble love of Jesus impels one to do great things, and stirs one up to be always longing for what is more perfect.
Love desires to be aloft, and will not be kept back by any thing low and mean.
Love desires to be free, and estranged from all worldly affections, that so its inward sight may not be hindered; that it may not be entangled by any temporal prosperity, or by any adversity subdued.
Nothing is sweeter than love, nothing more courageous, nothing higher, nothing wider, nothing more pleasant, nothing fuller nor better in heaven and earth; because love is born of God, and cannot rest but in God, above all created things.
4
He that loveth, flyeth, runneth, and rejoiceth; he is free, and cannot be held in.
He giveth all for all, and hath all in all; because he resteth in One highest above all things, from whom all that is good flows and proceeds.
He respecteth not the gifts, but turneth himself above all goods unto the Giver.
Love often times knoweth no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.
Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things lawful for itself and all things possible.
It is therefore able to undertake all things, and it completes many things, and warrants them to take effect, where he who does not love, would faint and lie down.
5
Love is watchful, and sleeping slumbereth not.
Though weary, it is not tired; though pressed, it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded; but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upwards, and securely passes through all.
If any one love, he knoweth what is the cry of this voice. For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, the mere ardent affection of the soul, when it saith, “My God, my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”
6
Enlarge thou me in love, that with the inward palate of my heart I may taste how sweet it is to love, and to be dissolved, and as it were to bathe myself in thy love.
Let me be possessed by love, mounting above myself, through excessive fervor and admiration.
Let me sing the song of love, let me follow thee, my Beloved, on high; let my soul spend itself in thy praise, rejoicing through love.
Let me love thee more than myself, nor love myself but for thee: and in thee all that truly love thee, as the law of love commandeth, shining out from thyself.
7
Love is active, sincere, affectionate, pleasant and amiable; courageous, patient, faithful, prudent, longsuffering, resolute, and never seeking itself.
For in whatever instance one seeketh oneself, there he falleth from love.
Love is circumspect, humble, and upright: not yielding to softness, or to levity, nor attending to vain things; it is sober, chaste, steady, quiet, and guarded in all the senses.
Love is subject, and obedient to its superiors, to itself mean and despised, unto God devout and thankful, trusting and hoping always in Him, even then when God imparteth no relish of sweetness unto it: for without sorrow, none liveth in love.
8
He that is not prepared to suffer all things, and to stand to the will of his Beloved, is not worthy to be called a lover of God.
A lover ought to embrace willingly all that is hard and distasteful, for the sake of his Beloved; and not to turn away from him for any contrary accidents.

-- Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

It sounds strange, but I've never before been really, totally convinced that Jesus loved me. Intellectually, of course, if you'd asked me if he did I'd have said I know he does. The Bible tells me so. But I was never convinced in my heart that he actually did. I thought he just sort of tolerated me. You know, how you have some family members that you genuinely don't like, but you "love" them because you have to? I've always felt deep down that that's how God felt about me. After all, he knows everything about me. Yikes. And, looking at my life and how miserable I always was, I took that as evidence.

I had moments, where I felt differently. But then I'd always slide back into feeling like God's unwanted step-child. And I experienced divine love, of course. But I always redirected it to other people, because I didn't think I deserved it. What I'm trying to say is that I've been able to give love quite easily, especially over the last few years. But I've never been able to receive it.

But now, I am truly, genuinely, thoroughly convinced of his love. I live in it. It washes over me, like the song says. Astounding. 43 years a Christian, and I'm just now really getting hold of that most basic of truths. Why? Trust, I guess. He had to convince me that he loved me. Worse, he had to convince me to let him convince me that he loved me. Crazy. But his patience is as overwhelming as his love. Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free.

Dvorak and MacDonald

"But her chief pleasure was in her instrument. Her very fingers loved it and would wander about its keys like feeding sheep. She was not unhappy. She knew nothing of the world except the tomb in which she dwelt, and had some pleasure in everything she did. But she desired, nevertheless, something more or different. She did not know what it was, and the nearest she could come to expressing it to herself was -- that she wanted more room."

-- George MacDonald, The Day Boy and the Night Girl



I read this passage from MacDonald last thing last night before I went to sleep, and it was still with me when I woke up this morning. Then I heard the Dvorak romance just now, and they seem somehow to go together perfectly. I can see Nycteris the Night Girl practicing her virtuosity in her lonely cave, the only means of expression she has for the passions and longings buried deep inside of her. Not knowing what it is she's missing; not knowing what it is she's longing for; not knowing that sunlight, and freedom, and Photogen the Day Boy are waiting for her out there. And it sounds exactly like this.

Tchaikovsky and MacDonald

I love Sarah Chang's title for this album: "Sweet Sorrow".



“As in all sweetest music, a tinge of sadness was in every note. Nor do we know how much of the pleasures even of life we owe to the intermingled sorrows. Joy cannot unfold the deepest truths, although deepest truth must be deepest joy.” -- George MacDonald


There is no joy without sorrow--if you shut yourself off to one, the other goes as well. I know this well enough, but I have to continually be reminded. It's better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all.

Vaughn Monroe - I Wish I Didn't Love You So - 1947

Miserere mei, Deus

Johnny Cash - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

Be Thou My Vision

I've been hearing this everywhere I go for the past year or so. I don't know where I first heard it, but it's got some profound association down deep in my soul, and it stirs me every time I hear it. Mysterious.

Bonhoeffer on Faith and Risk

“The new situation must be created, in which it is possible to believe on Jesus as God incarnate; that is the impossible situation in which everything is staked solely on the word of Jesus. Peter had to leave the ship and risk his life on the sea, in order to learn both his own weakness and the almighty power of his Lord. If Peter had not taken the risk, he would never have learnt the meaning of faith. Before he can believe, the utterly impossible and ethically irresponsible situation on the waves of the sea must be displayed. The road to faith passes through obedience to the call of Jesus. Unless a definite step is demanded, the call vanishes into thin air, and if men imagine that they can follow Jesus without taking this step, they are deluding themselves like fanatics.” -- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

Just because "Look how beautiful my daughter is"

Army Veteran shot five times as he charged at Oregon college shooter

Forget Oregon’s Gunman. Remember the Hero Who Charged Straight at Him.

'He wasn't going to stand and watch something horrific happen'

Where do you find real men these days? Try the Army.

I'm not much for news, but happened across this, and this is my kind of guy. Hoo-ah. Way to go, brother.

New favorite movie line ever:

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just having a bad life. It'll be over eventually."

from People, Places, Things

Roy Orbison - In Dreams