Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Oh, the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus

You may ask what I've learned, or what I've gained, through all the prayer, agonizing, seeking, fasting, studying, and all that I've done over the last few years, since I've been writing here about my life. The answer is, This:


(Lovely performance; too bad the recording quality isn't better. They could have used a skilled sound editor.)
I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.
I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.
In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.
All the kings of the earth shall praise thee, O LORD, when they hear the words of thy mouth.
Yea, they shall sing in the ways of the LORD: for great is the glory of the LORD.
Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.
The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.
-- Psalm 138


1
Ah, Lord God, thou holy lover of my soul, when thou comest into my heart, all that is within me shall rejoice.
Thou art my glory and the exultation of my heart: thou art my hope and refuge in the day of my trouble.
2
But because I am as yet weak in love, and imperfect in virtue, I have need to be strengthened and comforted by thee; visit me therefore often, and instruct me with all holy discipline.
Set me free from evil passions, and heal my heart of all inordinate affections; that being inwardly cured and thoroughly cleansed, I may be made fit to love, courageous to suffer, steady to persevere.
3
Love is a great thing, yea, a great and thorough good; by itself it makes every thing that is heavy, light; and it bears evenly all that is uneven.
For it carries a burden which is no burden, and makes every thing that is bitter, sweet and tasteful.
The noble love of Jesus impels one to do great things, and stirs one up to be always longing for what is more perfect.
Love desires to be aloft, and will not be kept back by any thing low and mean.
Love desires to be free, and estranged from all worldly affections, that so its inward sight may not be hindered; that it may not be entangled by any temporal prosperity, or by any adversity subdued.
Nothing is sweeter than love, nothing more courageous, nothing higher, nothing wider, nothing more pleasant, nothing fuller nor better in heaven and earth; because love is born of God, and cannot rest but in God, above all created things.
4
He that loveth, flyeth, runneth, and rejoiceth; he is free, and cannot be held in.
He giveth all for all, and hath all in all; because he resteth in One highest above all things, from whom all that is good flows and proceeds.
He respecteth not the gifts, but turneth himself above all goods unto the Giver.
Love often times knoweth no measure, but is fervent beyond all measure.
Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things lawful for itself and all things possible.
It is therefore able to undertake all things, and it completes many things, and warrants them to take effect, where he who does not love, would faint and lie down.
5
Love is watchful, and sleeping slumbereth not.
Though weary, it is not tired; though pressed, it is not straitened; though alarmed, it is not confounded; but as a lively flame and burning torch, it forces its way upwards, and securely passes through all.
If any one love, he knoweth what is the cry of this voice. For it is a loud cry in the ears of God, the mere ardent affection of the soul, when it saith, “My God, my love, thou art all mine, and I am all thine.”
6
Enlarge thou me in love, that with the inward palate of my heart I may taste how sweet it is to love, and to be dissolved, and as it were to bathe myself in thy love.
Let me be possessed by love, mounting above myself, through excessive fervor and admiration.
Let me sing the song of love, let me follow thee, my Beloved, on high; let my soul spend itself in thy praise, rejoicing through love.
Let me love thee more than myself, nor love myself but for thee: and in thee all that truly love thee, as the law of love commandeth, shining out from thyself.
7
Love is active, sincere, affectionate, pleasant and amiable; courageous, patient, faithful, prudent, longsuffering, resolute, and never seeking itself.
For in whatever instance one seeketh oneself, there he falleth from love.
Love is circumspect, humble, and upright: not yielding to softness, or to levity, nor attending to vain things; it is sober, chaste, steady, quiet, and guarded in all the senses.
Love is subject, and obedient to its superiors, to itself mean and despised, unto God devout and thankful, trusting and hoping always in Him, even then when God imparteth no relish of sweetness unto it: for without sorrow, none liveth in love.
8
He that is not prepared to suffer all things, and to stand to the will of his Beloved, is not worthy to be called a lover of God.
A lover ought to embrace willingly all that is hard and distasteful, for the sake of his Beloved; and not to turn away from him for any contrary accidents.
-- Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

It sounds strange, but I've never before been really, totally convinced that Jesus loved me. Intellectually, of course, if you'd asked me if he did I'd have said I know he does. The Bible tells me so. But I was never convinced in my heart that he actually did. I thought he just sort of tolerated me. You know, how you have some family members that you genuinely don't like, but you "love" them because you have to? I've always felt deep down that that's how God felt about me. After all, he knows everything about me. Yikes. And, looking at my life and how miserable I always was, I took that as evidence.

I had moments, where I felt differently. But then I'd always slide back into feeling like God's unwanted step-child. And I experienced divine love, of course. But I always redirected it to other people, because I didn't think I deserved it. What I'm trying to say is that I've been able to give love quite easily, especially over the last few years. But I've never been able to receive it.

But now, I am truly, genuinely, thoroughly convinced of his love. I live in it. It washes over me, like the song says. Astounding. 43 years a Christian, and I'm just now really getting hold of that most basic of truths. Why? Trust, I guess. He had to convince me that he loved me. Worse, he had to convince me to let him convince me that he loved me. Crazy. But his patience is as overwhelming as his love. Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free.

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