That was more than I can bear.

I spent last night praying for God to end my life and take me home, and reminding myself that, if I did it myself, I might end up in the only place where my anguish and torment would be worse than it is now. That's not drama or a seeking after sympathy--it's just what's in my heart. It's just the truth.

Why is it that often when we need God the most, it is then that he seems furthest from us? It must be some kind of test, to see if we continue to seek him even in the absence of all hope and consolation, or turn to despair and thence to sin. A trap I have fallen into many times, but am trying my absolute best to avoid this time, with God's help.

If anyone reading this cares for me, pray for me. Pray that I come through this time without falling to despair, unbelief, hard-heartedness, and sin. But if you really care for me, join me in that prayer that it will all just be over.