U2 - Song For Someone

This is for Raymond. Most people have no idea how hard it is, buddy, but I've got your back.

For the rest of you...Ray is my friend from when I was working in the State Prison. I was teaching Adult Ed., and he was an inmate, and one of my teaching assistants. Staff and inmates are not supposed to be friends, but since when have I ever cared about rules? And he was a better guy than most of the people I worked with.

You hear all the time people passing judgement on these guys, writing them all off as just criminals. And how none of them ever really change--jailhouse conversions and all that. But Ray did change. Really changed. Got saved. Earned a high school diploma and an associate's degree. And finally, got out, went to work, got married, had a kid. But it hasn't been easy, and he's going through hard times again now. We talked about him staying up here with me for a while, but it's not in the cards. I'll be praying for you, though, and hoping that things are going to get better for you someday. You've been through enough, man. You guys think I've had a hard life...I'm not going to tell you about Ray's, but...Geez.

Yeah, they're criminals. Some of them are genuinely horrible people. Most of them deserve to be there. But remember, Jesus said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged with the same measure." And "I was sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not." I guarantee you this: some of these guys will be in heaven, and some of the people sitting in church pews will not.

I got the oddest collection of songs when I opened youtube this morning (it's one of the tabs that opens automatically--I like to listen to music while I'm working or whatever). But it was kinda great, so I made a playlist and thought I'd share it with you.

Would be nice if youtube suggestions could be taken as a reliable predictor of one's future. A new form of divination? Tubeomancy--show me your videos and I'll tell you your destiny.

I read something last week that, if I understood it correctly, was the best thing I've heard in--well, ever. Except for the Gospel. So good that it quite literally seemed too good to be true, and I didn't even know what to think. So I'm going to wait expectantly and see if I hear any more on the same. I hope I do.

Contemporary Composers

Posting about Arvo Part got me thinking about modern composers, and how I mostly dislike them. Every once in a while you hear something good, like Spiegel im Spiegel. But mostly I feel about modern "classical" music the same way I feel about modern "art": it's crap. There are exceptions, I know. And there's probably some good stuff going on of which I am as yet unaware. But mostly it's just ugly, stupid crap.

In both art and music, as in life, moderns have lost the ability to recognize and value Beauty. Along with goodness, virtue, truth, and pretty much everything else that really matters.

I actually think most of the good composing these days is being done for movies. John Williams, in fact, is responsible for my love of classical music. I remember the exact moment when I fell in love with the violin: I was nine, and I had borrowed a copy of the brand-new Star Wars soundtrack from my neighbor, after having seen the movie at the theater. I was listening to it on my little red-and-white checked record player by my bed, lying in bed with my eyes closed and imagining. And when it came to Leia's Theme, I was entranced: scenes of beauty, heroism, and love filled my imagination--and when those last, lonely violin notes played, they broke my heart.

Arvo Pärt - Spiegel Im Spiegel

I was watching a movie last night which had a little bit of this clip in it, and it reminded me of this, which I love and have watched over and over again. A perfect pairing of music and image: I look at all these people and think about how this was just an ordinary day of their lives, and how different yet the same the world was then. And how every single person in this video is now dead. It's kind of the same feeling as when I opened the refrigerator two days after my father died, and found his half-eaten Chinese takeout dinner, or my daughter who was telling me the other day how she keeps forgetting she's not pregnant. Life is here, and then it's gone.

What were their worries? What urgent business were they out on? Is the man rushing across the street trying to get to the bank to pay his mortgage on time? Is the woman strolling down the sidewalk in love? It all seemed so important to them, and now none of it matters...except maybe it does. Maybe the man paid his mortgage and was able to pass his farm to his son, who passed it to his, who built it into a successful family business that still runs today and provides for dozens or hundreds or thousands of people. Maybe the woman in love married the man who loved her, and their seventy-two great-great grandchildren are alive now. Maybe someone caught on film that day was the ancestor of someone who's going to cure cancer, or write a book that will change the world. Maybe one of them is my ancestor, or yours.

“Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt I love.”

-- Shakespeare

The Mysterious Distance

It's so hard to know what the right thing to say is. You see or hear things that make your heart leap for joy, fill you with love and hope. You think you know what they mean...but then you're afraid to be sure. What if you're wrong? What if you're reading things into it that aren't there? You fear to say too much, because you don't want to alarm or drive people away. And because you don't want to be an idiot and a fool. And you fear to say too little, because you don't want to hurt them or make them think you don't value them or what they've said. And because you don't want to miss an opportunity. And no matter what you do, it never seems to be exactly right, and you end up with distance and regret.

At least, that's my experience. It doesn't seem like other people have this much trouble with it--do they? Am I the only one who can just never get it right, no matter how hard I try, or how good my intentions?

You know what my idea of heaven is? Being able to love others and be loved without all this fear. I just want to love. That's really all I want out of life.

“Her heart - like every heart, if only its fallen sides were cleared away - was an inexhaustible fountain of love: she loved everything she saw.”

-- George MacDonald, The Day Boy and the Night Girl

Dreams and Death

Remember what I told you about how God speaks to me? One of the ways he does so is through dreams. I think I've mentioned somewhere here before that I've had dreams all my life which later came true. I don't always understand them, and I don't even always remember them. But it happens. A lot.

Well, back in August I had one in which I was told "Fifty-two [something] and then a death." The 'something' is because I don't remember the word that went there: I was tired and went back to sleep after making a mental note of it, rather than waking up and writing it down. When God gives me especially significant dreams, he wakes me up the instant they're over, so I will remember them.

I have a text message I sent back in August, proving I had this dream. And by the way, I had no idea she was even pregnant until I learned of the miscarriage yesterday-she was only seven weeks along.

So I had no idea at the time what it meant. The first thought that came to me was that 52 meant "weeks", or one year until whatever was meant by "death"--and I thought perhaps that the death was symbolic, like dying to myself or something.

Well, turns out it wasn't symbolic at all. "Death" meant my grandson, and "fifty-two" was the number of days gestation.

Eternal Light Shine upon Baby Jackson

I received word this morning that my grandson, Jackson, has departed this life to be with the Lord, and with his cousin, Leslie, who preceded him a few years ago. His mother says she wants his very short life to have had some meaning, and not that it be as if he never were, so I am doing my little part to honor that.

She was knitting him a little blue blanket, to wrap him in when he was born, which now will forever be unfinished. And she says she keeps seeing him in her mind's eye as a dirty little boy with blonde hair and skinned knees. So that's how I will remember him too. And in my mind, he's a bit mischievous and hard-headed, and reminds me quite a lot of my son, Toby, when he was small.

I love you, sweet boy, and I can't wait to meet you one day.

Today is Bilbo and Frodo's Birthday!

Happy birthday, Messrs. Baggins.

I hate to associate my favorite book with those ugh--movies, being an unmitigated and unapologetic book snob and purist. But the music was good. The only consistently good thing in them.

This is a bit crude, but amusing.

I'm kinda liking this new art of manliness/backwoodsman/pipe-smoking fad. Seems I'm finally cool. Well, the fact is I've always been awesome--just the rest of the world is finally catching up to me.

Author, Author

Today I walked into Barnes & Noble and bought a book by one of my best friends.

Then I sat down and read it in one sitting, in the courtyard outside Panera--and was touched, impressed, and so proud. Yay, Maggie!

My Daughter Featured on BBC

For thinking for herself.

Isn't she beautiful?

Full article here: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-34229555

I'm proud of her: thinking for themselves is one of the things I tried hardest to teach my kids. I don't really know anything about the guy who was speaking, or whether I agree with any particular issue he espouses, but I do agree with Bethany that one should be respectful and gracious, and at least be willing to engage in intelligent dialogue, even with those with whom we know we disagree.

"I am weak and foolish, and don't know what, and I can't fend off my miserable grief! . . . I had some faint belief in the mercy of God till I lost that woman. Yes, he prepared a gourd to shade me, and like the prophet I thanked Him and was glad. But the next day he prepared a worm to smite the gourd and wither it; and I feel it is better to die than to live!"

-- Thomas Hardy, Far from the Maddening Crowd

It's Fall!

Opened the door to my back deck this morning, and was greeted by Autumn. What a lovely day. I wish I was going to church this morning.

Am I the only one who feels really bad for Martha in The Notebook? You know, the war widow he finds companionship with while he's going insane over Allie? Poor girl. That's why I'm so hesitant about dating--that's exactly how it would be. I've already done that to at least one girl in my life, and although she's brave and strong like Martha, and we're still friends, I know I've hurt her. I don't want to do it again.

Sure would be nice to have someone to keep me company, though. God, I'm tired of being alone.

Fiona Apple - I Know

Reflections on Answered Prayer

So you're probably asking why, if God answers my prayers all the time, I'm still in the situation I'm in: heartbroken, miserable, alone, and virtually friendless? (Yeah, I know--there's all of you. And thank you. But it's not the same as having someone physically present in your life, is it?) This is a tough question without a simple answer. But I feel relatively in my right mind this morning, so I'm going to take a shot at it.

There are several possibilities why, if God is there; if he loves me; if he does, in fact intimately concern himself in the lives of those who believe, guide them, and answer their prayers; why my prayers to be brought out of this place of grief have not been answered. I'm going to leave aside here, for the sake of space and clarity, both issues of atheism and agnosticism, and of bad religion--that is, of the kind of theology that says God is there, but he gave us intellect, volition, and free will, and beyond that we're on our own--which amounts to a sort of Christianized deistic materialism or "practical agnosticism" to borrow a turn of phrase from Joy Davidman Lewis. I'm going to leave all those aside as having been demonstrated conclusively false in my life by the power and frequency of answered prayers, guidance which later turns out to be demonstrably correct and of which I could have had no knowledge, and miraculous and supernatural occurrences. For details of some of these, read back through my blog archives. And also by the clear, plain teaching of Scripture that he does, in fact, lead us, speak to us, and answer our prayers.

Anyway, taking the presence, power, and love of God in my life as a starting assumption, why does he continue to let me suffer, and why has he not answered my many, many, many prayers?

Well, first of all, let's clarify--what have I been praying for? Most importantly--what have I not been praying for: I've had people repeatedly explain to me, slowly and in small words, that God is not going to force her to love me. Yes. I Know That. That is not what I'm asking him, and has never been. Not once, in all this time and all this longing, have I asked him to override her free will or "make her love me". Even if I could do that, I wouldn't--I don't want love that's been coerced or given grudgingly. I imagine those people think that my entire prayer life consists of me saying "Lord, please give me what I want." No, that is really, really not it. What I have been praying is the following:

a) That we would be reconciled. Truly reconciled to genuine charity and affection, not living in tension-filled bare tolerance of each other, with fake smiles and forced greetings, avoiding each other and living in fear. As part of that, I pray that, if she hasn't yet, she will see the truth about me, and that the truth would set her free from all fear. 

b) That I might also consequently be reconciled to her parents, whom I still love, and to our church, whom I also still love. And to all the lovely and beautiful things which had become the first version of my life with which I've ever been truly happy and satisfied: classical music concerts, cultural events, interesting theological studies, book reading groups, fellowship with like-minded people...and friendship.

c) That there would be whatever degree of love and kind of relationship between us is God's perfect will and best plan for both our lives: whether friendship, or whatever. I believe that he brought us together, that he put the love I have for her in my heart, that he explicitly led me to love her, and that it is his will for us to marry. But I acknowledge that even after all this time, after all this prayer, after all this effort to set aside my own feelings and seek his will only, and after all the countless words, signs, guidance, and many other ways in which I have perceived him guiding me in this, I could still be mistaken, so...

d) If I am mistaken, that he will, in his mercy, clearly and definitively show me that I am, and give me the strength, wisdom, and grace to let all of it go, move on, and find whatever is his will for my life. And that he would bless her with whatever is his absolute best for her, keep her safe from all harm, heal her from whatever pain and free her from whatever fear I might have caused her, and fill her life with love, blessing, peace, and beauty.

So back to the original question--why hasn't he answered? The possibilities I see are as follows:

1) I'm hearing him wrong. Effective prayer is a process of first seeking God's will, then asking him for it. Just asking him for what we want doesn't work, unless by accident what we want also happens to be what he wants. Jesus said that whatever we asked in his name, in accordance with the Father's will, we would receive. This is why most people have such frustrating and confusing prayer lives: they're missing a step--you've got to learn to hear his voice. Yes, some things you can pray for in complete confidence because they're revealed in his word as being his universal will. But the specifics of your life, you've got to become familiar with his voice for that, and to do that, you have to build a real relationship with him. I have been working earnestly, diligently, and fervently, on doing exactly this, but I am not Moses or Elijah and I don't have an infallible direct conduit to God, so I always intentionally remain humble and open to the possibility that I am mistaken.

That taken into account, however, I have to say that through three years of earnest and fervent prayer about this, what I have perceived is a clear, consistent, and unwavering leading in the exact same direction, confirmed over and over in more ways than I have space or wish to list here. And, as I've mentioned several times previously, I have objective evidence that I do, in fact, hear God's voice; especially in those circumstances when I have known, by what I perceive as him speaking to me, things that have not happened yet, and when I pray, in obedience to what I perceive as his leading, and my prayers result in miraculous answers.

I also want to be very careful here, because I'm afraid it will sound presumptuous--I don't want to seem to be saying that "God told me we're supposed to get married, so you'd better agree." I in no way presume that my believing I have been led of him to love her creates any obligation on her part to do or feel anything whatsoever. I would never ask nor expect her to act solely on a revelation that has been given to me. If he is speaking that to me, as I believe, then he either is speaking it or eventually will speak it to her as well. Which of those it may be, is involved with the next two possibilities as to why my prayers haven't been answered:

2) It's not time yet--I have to be patient, while he works in her life. Whether the final goal is restored fellowship, friendship, romance and marriage, or just being able to wish each other well and go our separate ways in peace, there may be something in her heart or life that I have to be gentle, patient, and humble enough to allow her and God to deal with. If I am hearing him right, then maybe he has been telling her the same, but she's not ready to hear it. Or she has heard it, and is not ready to act on it. Or she thinks she may have, but isn't sure. All of these apply whether his will is for us to marry, or just to be reconciled as brother and sister in him. If it is any of these, then take the time you need, sweetie: my heart will be yours to whatever degree you wish to claim it at whatever time you are ready to do so.

3) It's not time yet--there is more he has to work in my life. Obviously, he has done huge things in my life, through all of this. But there may be more. It could be that I have heard him right, that he did call me to love her, but that he hasn't spoken to her yet about it because I am not ready. Maybe I'm not yet worthy of her, or good and pure enough to love her the way she deserves (both of which I can very readily believe), but he's called me to it because I have the potential to be what she needs. I mean, obviously, she deserves the very best man in the entire world. I am exceptional in many ways, I humbly acknowledge. But even the best version of me doesn't rise to what I would wish to be for her. It could be that, when I have been sufficiently tested, refined, and improved, that then he will call her and tell her that I am the one he has for her.

4) I did hear him partly right--but I've mistaken the end purpose. It could be that he did, in fact, call me to love her, but never intended for that love to be reciprocated. That his purpose was to bring me to a place of suffering, trial, and brokenness to learn complete dependence on him. That he called me to love her in order to draw me into the furnace. This happens in many people's lives--often it takes the form of cancer or the death of a loved one. This would be hard. I admit it. And it might even seem cruel. But he knows what it takes for each of us, and he knew that this was my weak spot--love and acceptance. If he'd given me a fatal disease, I'd have sighed, smiled, and said, "Thank you," and patiently waited to go home to him. I don't actually think this is it, because of some of what I'm confident he's spoken to me. But I include it because, again, I could be mistaken. And if it is, then I submit to his sovereignty, and only ask that at some point he gives me grace for understanding and acceptance. And again, that he heals her from any harm I or the situation have done her.

So what do I think it is? Well, honestly--a bit of all four.

I think--and this is just my perception and opinion on the matter when I'm most rational, most at peace, and least in the throes of doubt, fear, and despair--that God did bring us together for his purposes. I believe that, in spite of our age difference, she is the one he has for me and I am the one he has for her. I believe this not only because I think I've heard him telling me so, but because, once I surrendered all my own doubts and objections on the matter to him, I began to see in how many ways we actually were perfectly suited for each other. I won't go back into it here: I've touched on many of them in previous posts. But it's not like God has never brought together an older man and a younger woman before--Abraham and Sarah, Solomon and Abishag, Joseph and Mary, Dietrich and Maria, Jack and Joy...all clearly God's work. What are those purposes? I don't know, other than to serve and glorify him. Maybe she is exactly the helpmate I need to believe in me and encourage me to accomplish the work he's called me to--to finally get some real writing done. Maybe I'm the comforter, supporter, protector, and encourager she needs to really reach the fullness of her vast potential. Maybe I need some of her focus and discipline, and she needs some of my adventurousness and spontaneity. Maybe someone who's retired and whose calling is to stay home and write is perfectly suited to the life she's called to lead for him. Maybe a child of ours is going to be something great and extraordinary. Which isn't hard to believe, if you think about it: we've both been given a number of exceptional gifts--what would the combination of them produce? Or maybe he just really loves us both and wants to bless us with happiness, joy, and love.

I believe that reason number one is partially the explanation for our situation, because I did not clearly hear and obey him earlier on. I was a mess, and though I perceived his leading, my perception was vague and confused, and so I acted precipitously and foolishly. I spoke of my feelings too soon and to intensely, I reacted out of hurt and fear, and thus created more hurt and fear for both of us. And whereas I could have been suffering alone and allowing him to work in me through the pain of my unrequited love, while remaining friends with her in the meantime, I have instead caused her to suffer as well, and have created this rift between us. All of it, or at least a good deal of it, could have been avoided, if I'd perceived that he was calling me to love her but to be patient, gentle, and discreet. I also believe that it is because I did not hear and obey better earlier on in my life--that, if I had fully submitted to him years before rather than living as I did, perhaps I would have been the man I should have been when I first met her.

And I also believe that elements of reasons number two, three, and four are all it, in combination with each other. My own faults, growth and, testing I've spoken of too often to need repeating here. But it is certain that, perfect as she is to me, there are still things God needs to do in her life. I won't presume to say what, except that it seems quite clear to me that at least part of it has something to do with issues of fear regarding intimacy, vulnerability, and trust. (She even tried to tell me this early on, indirectly; but I didn't get it at the time.) Even the best person in the world (which, incidentally, happens to be her) has issues and imperfections, and he knows what they are and how to get at them. As I've said before, I think maybe he knew that my deepest and most debilitating emotional issues were a perfect counterpoint to hers, and his intention was for us to provoke each other, so that he could help us both get past them.

I do wish now that I'd handled it much better. I think it could all have been accomplished with much less trauma, if I'd been stronger and wiser. Of course, if I'd been able to react that way at the time, then I might not have needed to go through it. So I guess there's not much point in engaging in would'a could'as.

But, once again, I acknowledge I could be wrong. I only ask that if that is the case, he make it clear to me how to be right. In other words, I'm willing to be wrong, but I'm not willing for him to be wrong. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm saying that, if he leads me somewhere other than where I've thought he's leading me, I can accept that. Even if that answer is "You have been completely wrong about all of it. Repent, apologize, and move on." As long as it is clearly and definitively from him, I will accept and obey. What I CANNOT do is just say, "Huh, well I guess it didn't work out. Guess I'll go back to living without really knowing him, 'cuz he didn't come through for me, did he? Suppose I'll never know." I've come too far in him to turn back now. I know he's real, I know he's there, I know he loves me, and I ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE AND HOLD FAST to my faith that somehow, when his time comes, he is going to answer in a way that I clearly know it is him answering. I will settle for nothing less.

"I will not let thee go, except thou bless me." -- Gen 32:26

"And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee." -- Psalm 39:7

Answered Prayer

Woke up to a message from my son, saying they'd just left the Cardiologist's, who said this is the fastest they'd ever seen a heart heal. Thank you, Lord. First she went home early, and they'd said that other than the heart, she was amazingly strong and healthy for a premie; now her heart is completely healed. Well, no; the first prayer answered was that they both came through the delivery. Thank you for all of it, Lord. See; like I said before--God answers my prayers all the time.

Equivocation

Now I'm already kinda regretting signing up for online dating. I'm not interested in any of these women.

I had to turn off email notifications so I could sleep, because within an hour of going live, I was getting a constant stream of dings from my phone, telling me I'd received smiles and messages and views or whatever. Weird.

I had forgotten my absolute least favorite part of online dating. You'd think it would be rejection, but actually it's having to reject them. How do you say 'no, thank you' to a lady without hurting her feelings? I haven't found a way. And I always feel horrible about just not responding at all, because I know how that makes me feel when someone does it to me. It feels not only cruel, but cowardly.

Not that there's really anything wrong with all of them. Well, just the one thing--the thing they all have in common with each other, and that's not about who they are, but about who they're not.

Schwarzenegger on Strength

Lars and the Real Girl: Teddy Bear Resuscitation

I'm taking my own advice, and re-watching Lars and the Real Girl followed by Her. I just love this scene: one of my all-time favorites.

Changes

Well, I've done it: today is day 21 of my three-week fast. And to mark the occasion, I've finally changed my blogger profile pic from the one where I was in my early thirties and kissing Mr. Pooky, who's been gone now for many years. :(  Here it is larger, in case you care. This is the leanest I've been since before that old one was taken..

Also, I've joined a dating site. Never had much luck with them in the past, except making a few good friends. But since that's pretty much all I'm looking for now, I thought I'd give it a shot. I haven't found an option yet on this one that says "what I'm looking for", but mainly just friendship and maybe companionship. http://www.christianmingle.com/search/details.html?s=1&u=professorshrek&who=username Not much to see there yet: it's all still waiting for approval. But maybe in a day or so. Tell me what you think, if you're a lady. Sorry, if you're a dude I don't really care about your opinion. About this, anyway.

And one of my best friends just had her first book published! Congratulations, Sweetie!

“Love loves unto purity. Love has ever in view the absolute loveliness of that which it beholds. Therefore all that is not beautiful in the beloved, all that comes between and is not of love's kind, must be destroyed. And our God is a consuming fire.” -- George MacDonald

Why Falling in Love is so Hard

From the move Hitch. 

I've got an old friend who's currently going through a breakup after being treated poorly by yet another man. And she's wondering why, as she puts it, "Women always fall in love with douchebags." And I sympathize, I really do. And I hate douchebags, along with pigs, cheaters, abusers, and generally all men who treat women badly.

But I, also, along with every other "nice guy" in the world, wonder the same thing she does: Why do you fall for these guys? Or, more to the point, WHY WON'T WOMEN GIVE GOOD MEN A FRIGGIN' CHANCE? It's as if the experience of falling in love, or the method with which the man goes about winning her heart, is more important than the substance of his character and the potential for the relationship. The book I'm reading, Far from the Maddening Crowd, is a perfect example. Of the three men who are in love with Bathsheba, Troy is far and away the absolute worst for her. Yet, predictably, that's who she marries.

It seems sometimes like, as Hitch puts it in this scene, the only way for good men to have a chance is to "trick women into getting out of their own way". In case you don't know the movie, Will Smith's character, Hitch, is a dating coach for men--kind of like those guys who supposedly teach "pick-up artistry", but he only teaches decent guys who want to win the love of one woman but who don't stand a chance without his help.

So here's my answer to my friend's question: it's because you're listening to the wrong voice inside you. Listen to your heart, and marry Gabriel Oak, the guy who makes you feel safe, and valued, and comfortable--the guy you keep saying you "only like as a friend". Or at least listen to your head, and marry Farmer Boldwood, who adores you and will provide for you, cherish you, and take care of you--the guy who you think you "could learn to love". But for God's sake, and your own, STOP listening to that voice that says "I'm waiting to by swept off my feet by Prince Charming". Because I guarantee you this: the only way a man gets to be that charming is by practice. And the only kind of man who gets that much practice is the kind of man who is never, ever going to be satisfied with one woman, or be any good at all in a real relationship. Stop focusing on the courtship, and start focusing on the marriage.

End of rant. Remember, in addition to being a man in love, I'm also the father of two grown daughters.