U2 - Song For Someone

This is for Raymond. Most people have no idea how hard it is, buddy, but I've got your back.

For the rest of you...Ray is my friend from when I was working in the State Prison. I was teaching Adult Ed., and he was an inmate, and one of my teaching assistants. Staff and inmates are not supposed to be friends, but since when have I ever cared about rules? And he was a better guy than most of the people I worked with.

You hear all the time people passing judgement on these guys, writing them all off as just criminals. And how none of them ever really change--jailhouse conversions and all that. But Ray did change. Really changed. Got saved. Earned a high school diploma and an associate's degree. And finally, got out, went to work, got married, had a kid. But it hasn't been easy, and he's going through hard times again now. We talked about him staying up here with me for a while, but it's not in the cards. I'll be praying for you, though, and hoping that things are going to get better for you someday. You've been through enough, man. You guys think I've had a hard life...I'm not going to tell you about Ray's, but...Geez.

Yeah, they're criminals. Some of them are genuinely horrible people. Most of them deserve to be there. But remember, Jesus said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged with the same measure." And "I was sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not." I guarantee you this: some of these guys will be in heaven, and some of the people sitting in church pews will not.

I got the oddest collection of songs when I opened youtube this morning (it's one of the tabs that opens automatically--I like to listen to music while I'm working or whatever). But it was kinda great, so I made a playlist and thought I'd share it with you.

Would be nice if youtube suggestions could be taken as a reliable predictor of one's future. A new form of divination? Tubeomancy--show me your videos and I'll tell you your destiny.

Contemporary Composers

Posting about Arvo Part got me thinking about modern composers, and how I mostly dislike them. Every once in a while you hear something good, like Spiegel im Spiegel. But mostly I feel about modern "classical" music the same way I feel about modern "art": it's crap. There are exceptions, I know. And there's probably some good stuff going on of which I am as yet unaware. But mostly it's just ugly, stupid crap.

In both art and music, as in life, moderns have lost the ability to recognize and value Beauty. Along with goodness, virtue, truth, and pretty much everything else that really matters.

I actually think most of the good composing these days is being done for movies. John Williams, in fact, is responsible for my love of classical music. I remember the exact moment when I fell in love with the violin: I was nine, and I had borrowed a copy of the brand-new Star Wars soundtrack from my neighbor, after having seen the movie at the theater. I was listening to it on my little red-and-white checked record player by my bed, lying in bed with my eyes closed and imagining. And when it came to Leia's Theme, I was entranced: scenes of beauty, heroism, and love filled my imagination--and when those last, lonely violin notes played, they broke my heart.

Arvo Pärt - Spiegel Im Spiegel

I was watching a movie last night which had a little bit of this clip in it, and it reminded me of this, which I love and have watched over and over again. A perfect pairing of music and image: I look at all these people and think about how this was just an ordinary day of their lives, and how different yet the same the world was then. And how every single person in this video is now dead. It's kind of the same feeling as when I opened the refrigerator two days after my father died, and found his half-eaten Chinese takeout dinner, or my daughter who was telling me the other day how she keeps forgetting she's not pregnant. Life is here, and then it's gone.

What were their worries? What urgent business were they out on? Is the man rushing across the street trying to get to the bank to pay his mortgage on time? Is the woman strolling down the sidewalk in love? It all seemed so important to them, and now none of it matters...except maybe it does. Maybe the man paid his mortgage and was able to pass his farm to his son, who passed it to his, who built it into a successful family business that still runs today and provides for dozens or hundreds or thousands of people. Maybe the woman in love married the man who loved her, and their seventy-two great-great grandchildren are alive now. Maybe someone caught on film that day was the ancestor of someone who's going to cure cancer, or write a book that will change the world. Maybe one of them is my ancestor, or yours.

The Mysterious Distance

It's so hard to know what the right thing to say is. You see or hear things that make your heart leap for joy, fill you with love and hope. You think you know what they mean...but then you're afraid to be sure. What if you're wrong? What if you're reading things into it that aren't there? You fear to say too much, because you don't want to alarm or drive people away. And because you don't want to be an idiot and a fool. And you fear to say too little, because you don't want to hurt them or make them think you don't value them or what they've said. And because you don't want to miss an opportunity. And no matter what you do, it never seems to be exactly right, and you end up with distance and regret.

At least, that's my experience. It doesn't seem like other people have this much trouble with it--do they? Am I the only one who can just never get it right, no matter how hard I try, or how good my intentions?

You know what my idea of heaven is? Being able to love others and be loved without all this fear. I just want to love. That's really all I want out of life.

“Her heart - like every heart, if only its fallen sides were cleared away - was an inexhaustible fountain of love: she loved everything she saw.”

-- George MacDonald, The Day Boy and the Night Girl

Eternal Light Shine upon Baby Jackson

I received word this morning that my grandson, Jackson, has departed this life to be with the Lord, and with his cousin, Leslie, who preceded him a few years ago. His mother says she wants his very short life to have had some meaning, and not that it be as if he never were, so I am doing my little part to honor that.

She was knitting him a little blue blanket, to wrap him in when he was born, which now will forever be unfinished. And she says she keeps seeing him in her mind's eye as a dirty little boy with blonde hair and skinned knees. So that's how I will remember him too. And in my mind, he's a bit mischievous and hard-headed, and reminds me quite a lot of my son, Toby, when he was small.

I love you, sweet boy, and I can't wait to meet you one day.

Today is Bilbo and Frodo's Birthday!

Happy birthday, Messrs. Baggins.

I hate to associate my favorite book with those ugh--movies, being an unmitigated and unapologetic book snob and purist. But the music was good. The only consistently good thing in them.

This is a bit crude, but amusing.

I'm kinda liking this new art of manliness/backwoodsman/pipe-smoking fad. Seems I'm finally cool. Well, the fact is I've always been awesome--just the rest of the world is finally catching up to me.

Author, Author

Today I walked into Barnes & Noble and bought a book by one of my best friends.

Then I sat down and read it in one sitting, in the courtyard outside Panera--and was touched, impressed, and so proud. Yay, Maggie!

"I am weak and foolish, and don't know what, and I can't fend off my miserable grief! . . . I had some faint belief in the mercy of God till I lost that woman. Yes, he prepared a gourd to shade me, and like the prophet I thanked Him and was glad. But the next day he prepared a worm to smite the gourd and wither it; and I feel it is better to die than to live!"

-- Thomas Hardy, Far from the Maddening Crowd

It's Fall!

Opened the door to my back deck this morning, and was greeted by Autumn. What a lovely day. I wish I was going to church this morning.

Am I the only one who feels really bad for Martha in The Notebook? You know, the war widow he finds companionship with while he's going insane over Allie? Poor girl. That's why I'm so hesitant about dating--that's exactly how it would be. I've already done that to at least one girl in my life, and although she's brave and strong like Martha, and we're still friends, I know I've hurt her. I don't want to do it again.

Sure would be nice to have someone to keep me company, though. God, I'm tired of being alone.

Fiona Apple - I Know

Schwarzenegger on Strength

Lars and the Real Girl: Teddy Bear Resuscitation

I'm taking my own advice, and re-watching Lars and the Real Girl followed by Her. I just love this scene: one of my all-time favorites.

“Love loves unto purity. Love has ever in view the absolute loveliness of that which it beholds. Therefore all that is not beautiful in the beloved, all that comes between and is not of love's kind, must be destroyed. And our God is a consuming fire.” -- George MacDonald

Why Falling in Love is so Hard

From the move Hitch. 

I've got an old friend who's currently going through a breakup after being treated poorly by yet another man. And she's wondering why, as she puts it, "Women always fall in love with douchebags." And I sympathize, I really do. And I hate douchebags, along with pigs, cheaters, abusers, and generally all men who treat women badly.

But I, also, along with every other "nice guy" in the world, wonder the same thing she does: Why do you fall for these guys? Or, more to the point, WHY WON'T WOMEN GIVE GOOD MEN A FRIGGIN' CHANCE? It's as if the experience of falling in love, or the method with which the man goes about winning her heart, is more important than the substance of his character and the potential for the relationship. The book I'm reading, Far from the Maddening Crowd, is a perfect example. Of the three men who are in love with Bathsheba, Troy is far and away the absolute worst for her. Yet, predictably, that's who she marries.

It seems sometimes like, as Hitch puts it in this scene, the only way for good men to have a chance is to "trick women into getting out of their own way". In case you don't know the movie, Will Smith's character, Hitch, is a dating coach for men--kind of like those guys who supposedly teach "pick-up artistry", but he only teaches decent guys who want to win the love of one woman but who don't stand a chance without his help.

So here's my answer to my friend's question: it's because you're listening to the wrong voice inside you. Listen to your heart, and marry Gabriel Oak, the guy who makes you feel safe, and valued, and comfortable--the guy you keep saying you "only like as a friend". Or at least listen to your head, and marry Farmer Boldwood, who adores you and will provide for you, cherish you, and take care of you--the guy who you think you "could learn to love". But for God's sake, and your own, STOP listening to that voice that says "I'm waiting to by swept off my feet by Prince Charming". Because I guarantee you this: the only way a man gets to be that charming is by practice. And the only kind of man who gets that much practice is the kind of man who is never, ever going to be satisfied with one woman, or be any good at all in a real relationship. Stop focusing on the courtship, and start focusing on the marriage.

End of rant. Remember, in addition to being a man in love, I'm also the father of two grown daughters.