Why Falling in Love is so Hard

From the move Hitch. 

I've got an old friend who's currently going through a breakup after being treated poorly by yet another man. And she's wondering why, as she puts it, "Women always fall in love with douchebags." And I sympathize, I really do. And I hate douchebags, along with pigs, cheaters, abusers, and generally all men who treat women badly.

But I, also, along with every other "nice guy" in the world, wonder the same thing she does: Why do you fall for these guys? Or, more to the point, WHY WON'T WOMEN GIVE GOOD MEN A FRIGGIN' CHANCE? It's as if the experience of falling in love, or the method with which the man goes about winning her heart, is more important than the substance of his character and the potential for the relationship. The book I'm reading, Far from the Maddening Crowd, is a perfect example. Of the three men who are in love with Bathsheba, Troy is far and away the absolute worst for her. Yet, predictably, that's who she marries.

It seems sometimes like, as Hitch puts it in this scene, the only way for good men to have a chance is to "trick women into getting out of their own way". In case you don't know the movie, Will Smith's character, Hitch, is a dating coach for men--kind of like those guys who supposedly teach "pick-up artistry", but he only teaches decent guys who want to win the love of one woman but who don't stand a chance without his help.

So here's my answer to my friend's question: it's because you're listening to the wrong voice inside you. Listen to your heart, and marry Gabriel Oak, the guy who makes you feel safe, and valued, and comfortable--the guy you keep saying you "only like as a friend". Or at least listen to your head, and marry Farmer Boldwood, who adores you and will provide for you, cherish you, and take care of you--the guy who you think you "could learn to love". But for God's sake, and your own, STOP listening to that voice that says "I'm waiting to by swept off my feet by Prince Charming". Because I guarantee you this: the only way a man gets to be that charming is by practice. And the only kind of man who gets that much practice is the kind of man who is never, ever going to be satisfied with one woman, or be any good at all in a real relationship. Stop focusing on the courtship, and start focusing on the marriage.

End of rant. Remember, in addition to being a man in love, I'm also the father of two grown daughters.