Nor Boldwood

A little further along in this book, and I'm finding Boldwood's conduct nearly as inexcusable as Troy's. Using guilt and his own injured feelings to try and badger her into a promise which doesn't align with her heart--contemptible.

So that leaves Oak as the best man of the three. And indeed, in comparing fact with fiction, it was exactly my intention to continue to be a friend and servant to the Woman I love as he does to Bathsheba, leaving my feelings aside, only in my case she wouldn't allow it. I didn't have the wisdom and presence of mind to lie about it, as Oak did, and pretend that my feelings had passed, which is, I suppose, the only way to proceed with a woman in such a case. Is there ever a good lie? Sometimes I think there might be.

You may raise the question of comparing Boldwood's conduct with my expressing my feelings here. But there are some very important differences: Firstly, as I've pointed out before, she only sees what I write if she chooses to see it. I'm not accosting her and pressuring her by putting her on the spot in person, nor even sending her flowers, gifts, and letters. Do I believe that she reads it? Yes, I do. But the inevitable conclusion I must draw is that, if she does, then it is because she wants to. Why? I don't know, although there are obviously some reasons I would prefer to others. But even if it is only that she draws some kind of pleasure or self-esteem from seeing that someone loves her and thinks highly of her, that's ok with me. I'm glad I can do that for her.

Secondly, as I've also pointed out before, I've never asked her for anything. The thing which Boldwood does in the book is detestable to me. I want nothing from her that is not freely given; I do not desire, and would not accept, a promise or a relationship based on guilt or obligation. She owes me nothing, except perhaps what any person, or at least any Christian, owes to another when there has been unkindness or misunderstanding between them.

If I did have the chance to ask her for something, it would be the opportunity to earn her affection: not a commitment, or a promise, or an obligation. Only her permission to try and win her heart. I would merely request of her the chance to show her how good I would be to her; how kind, considerate, supportive, loving, tender, generous, romantic, passionate, poetic, steady, strong, patient, gentle, and devoted. And even funny and fun; I used to be both, and would be again if my heart were to come back to life. And how I would lay down my life for her at every opportunity, in every way, both big and small; take care of her, protect her, make sure nothing bad ever happens to her. Prove to her that I could make her happy; make her feel safe, cherished, valued, believed-in, and so very loved.