Willing the Good

I have some days that are better than others. You get that, right? It's a struggle, and there's a constant back-and-forth. Some days I feel hopeful, and it seems like things are getting better. Some days I feel bitter and angry, and I just want to say to hell with it all and go back to being a smart-assed, pessimistic drunk. Some days I'm full of the Holy Spirit, and feel so close to God I can taste him in the air. It's those days when I feel the most love and hope for the Woman, and it's on those bitter, angry days when I feel convinced that she's just heartless and haughty and never gave a damn about me in any way, even as a friend. And I have some days when I feel the same way about God. Those are the days when I text my friend and tell her that I'm sitting on a bench thinking hard about whether the buses driving past are going fast enough to make it quick. I try to hide the worst of it from you, but sometimes it slips out. Like at 4 AM on a sleepless night of bitter darkness.

So what do you do, when your thoughts and feelings are so unreliable and chaotic? You choose. You can't make yourself feel differently, but you can decide to order your conscious thoughts according to your will.

So what I do, first of all, is praise God. No matter how I'm feeling about him. And I'm honest with him about it (may as well be, he knows anyway). So I say, "Lord, no matter how I'm feeling, you are worthy of my praise and worship because you are loving, good, holy, just, pure, true, faithful, kind, (etc.), and you are above all my circumstances, my feelings, my struggles, and my sin. Even if I were dead and in Hell, you would be deserving of my praise." No, it doesn't instantaneously make me feel better. At least, not most of the time. But that's not why I'm doing it.

Secondly, I choose to think well of her, no matter what I'm feeling at the moment, or what fears, imaginations, insecurities, or memories are tormenting me. So when I've got one voice in my head telling me that she's the sweet, wonderful, shy, beautiful person I always thought she was, and that all this between us is coming from some place of fear and perhaps pain inside her that I don't know about; and another voice telling me that she's that scornful, cruel woman who just couldn't care less about other people's feelings, then I make a choice to believe the good. Again, it doesn't always make some instantaneous change in my feelings. But it's the right thing to do. Even if I was wrong. I'm not: she is that good, kind, sweet, gentle, beautiful girl. But even if I was, I would be doing the right thing in believing the best, because that would be the best thing for my soul. The only harm I'm doing is that I may be making a complete idiot and fool of myself in other people's eyes. But that really just doesn't matter. But anyway, I know what's true about her, even when part of me can't believe it, just like I know that God is good all the time, even when I can't see it.

But this is the way it is in anything, really. There is no marriage or relationship this side of eternity which is free of these kinds of doubts, fears, and uncertainties. There are days when you don't like the people you love--you have to remind yourself that you love them. I've been told that I'm a naive romantic who doesn't know what love is: but I do. Love is choosing to love the ones you love even when you don't love them.

And I'm betting that this is the way it is for her, too; that she's got one part of her that wants to believe that I'm the person she thought I was when we were friends and she trusted me, and what I write here about myself. And another part which is afraid I'm...whatever it is she's afraid I am. I wish there was a way for me to convince her of the truth. But there isn't: in the end, it has to be her choice, and it takes courage to make the right one, because you are taking a big risk by opening yourself up to anyone.

(These times are probably not helped by my clumsiness and my stumbling around because of my own fears. We keep "missing" each other. Like that time in that church, when I came toward you, and you came toward me, but neither of us knew if the other really wanted to talk to the other, and it was all awkward and embarrassing, and just a big mess. But maybe it'll help if you know this: No matter what my outward actions may seem to say, no matter what I may be struggling with or whether I'm being successful in hiding it, what I want and feel in my heart of hearts is nothing but love, admiration, and affection for you. Don't pay attention to appearances: I ALWAYS want to talk to you, I always want to hear from you, I always wish you were near me. Always. If you say good morning and I croak and sputter and choke, it's because I wasn't prepared for it and the emotions are coming too fast and hard for me to get hold of in time. If you say something and I don't respond right away, or in the right way, it's because I'm trying so hard to find the right thing to say, and the right way to say it. And because I'm so scared of saying the wrong thing. Just something for you to keep in mind in making your choices.)

Anyway, there's one thing that I've learned from my experience, through all the things I've had to face and deal with: Whenever I've been confronted with a fearful choice, and one path seems to be the "easy" way, that is, the way that avoids risk and seems to be "safe", the right choice has always been the way of courage and risk. Every time. Not that I've always taken it; that's how I know.

"The person, who in decisiveness wills to be and to remain loyal to the Good, can find time for all possible things. No, he cannot do that. But neither does he need to do that, for he wills only one thing...and so he finds ample time for the good." -- Søren Kierkegaard, Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing