Withdrawn

Well, it's happened without my meaning it to, and despite my best efforts. I'm finding myself once again in that place where I've got the world pretty much walled out and myself in.

I've been spending more and more time at home alone; it's becoming a serious effort to force myself to go out at all, even to the gym. Don't really talk to anybody when I do go out, beyond the shortest possible polite responses. Have no desire anymore to go out and walk around downtown, go to a movie, or sit in the courtyard outside the coffee shop and read. I've even been slowing down on my reading: it's hard to read anything that means anything. I started re-reading The Hobbit a few days ago--I've always had a few books which were my "safe place", where I went for comfort when I was feeling down, but even that...I just wasn't feeling anything.

Not that I have any illusions that I'm "getting better" or anything. It's all still there, and it comes out at the dumbest times. I'll be watching a movie, not even some deep tear-jerker; but there will be a little moment of connection, or affection, or truth, and it will just tear me open and it all comes out again. Seriously, the dumbest things. I'm embarrassed to even tell you.

I've just been sort of wrapping myself up in distractions and hobbies; things that pass the time and keep me occupied without really being engaged. And of course, I feel guilty and anxious about wasting time and not being productive. But at least it's keeping me in a sort of...well, contentment is far to strong a word...stasis would be closer. But at the cost of my really caring about anything. My friends from high school are having a big reunion...don't want to go. My son and his wife want me to meet them at her family's in Kansas for Christmas...don't want to go. My mother and brother have been after me to come down and visit them...don't want to go. Several other old friends in various places have invited me to visit..don't want to go. This sounds stupid, but I've even been drifting apart from my cat. I've always been very affectionate and had a really close bond with my pets. You know, like goofy, silly affectionate. With babies too. But I find I just can't summon the energy anymore. I kinda just want to be left alone. I've even been starting to just walk past homeless people and street musicians without looking at them, like every other jerk out there.

The new diet's not helping, emotionally. I mean, it definitely has its benefits, most of which are bacon. But a diet without carbs is a diet without comfort food. And there's a definite drop in energy too. But I can't quit now, even if I wanted to. Not only is there the fact that I was pretty much stalled in my losing, but also if I tried to change now, I'd just end up bloating up on carbs for a few weeks until my body re-adjusted, and I'd gain everything back that I've lost on it, plus a few more pounds. Because that's the way it works. And whatever path my life takes and whatever other factors are involved, there's no end that includes not being lonely which doesn't also include not being fat. Hard truth.