The Guy in the Basement

A friend has asked me to do security at an event they're having this weekend, and I'm going to do it, although I don't really want to.

I gave them some conditions, though: I'll be the doorman, help and direct people, whatever. And I'm of course available, as I always am everywhere I go, in case of actual emergencies involving people's safety. But I'm not going to be the rules guy--telling people they can and can't do this and that. I spent most of my life being the heavy, and I don't want to be that guy anymore.

So it got me thinking about how much I've changed--how I totally used to be that guy, pretty much all the time. You know, with the big voice, and the assertive manner, always in charge, always out in front. And how much I really didn't like it deep down, even then. I hate trying to control people, or get them to do things they don't want. I just sort of fell into that role somehow, between being a father so young, and an Army sergeant, and a cop. But I'm done with it now. I want to spend the rest of my life being kind to people. That's all. Except for sex traffickers. Because f&%! those guys.

I mean, that guy is still there, in case I need him. Mr. Hyde isn't dead: I just keep him in a cage in the basement. I'll let him out if someone breaks in the house. But the guy I am now, the rest of the time, even my voice has changed. I'm soft-spoken, and often have to repeat myself if I'm ordering coffee in a loud cafe or something. And I don't have to tell you how sensitive I've become. I drove by my church yesterday on the way to meet with the people about the security thing, and just driving by elicited a tear.

Of course, I'd have to be authoritative again to some degree if I were to be a father again. And that's fine. But I think I'd be a different kind of father than I was before. Still strong, still firm; but kinder, gentler, more loving. I hate that I made mistakes with my other kids. But if I were to have more, they would definitely benefit from my experience. I was a good father before; I'd be a great one now.

I need to go and pay more attention to my grandkids, to make up to my kids for the mistakes I made.